In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

But I know q few very successful career women, none of them had kids or a proper relationship and guess what? In their fifties now they are lonely

I know lots of ex-smug marrieds whose DH's left them for something younger and fitter and they are now in their 50's and broke and lonely.

The thing that gets me with this topic is that there is always an assumption that in order to be happy one must get married and have kids. Why? I recall a conversation between a dear friend of mine and her daughter where she said "I want you to get married and be happy" - as though her happiness was dependent upon her getting married. The daughter is now married with 2 kids and posts frequently all over social media about her "wonderful little family" and there is the portrayal of the perfect life - yet I know that behind the scenes, it is FAR from perfect and her wedding, which she continuously posts photos of (even though it was ages ago) was, in reality, an unmitigated disaster with horrendous fights and all kinds of skeletons coming out the cupboard. She's so desperate to portray this "happy perfect life" that her social media is all lies and the reality is far from happy.

Personally I think it is very dangerous to make your personal happiness dependent upon any other person because you can never have any guarantee that the person will stick around.... so then what? You jump into another bad relationship because you're scared to be alone and your happiness is again, dependent upon another person.

I've been in relationships; I'm currently single, I have a decent career, own my own home and have many interests - I have a balanced life that makes me happy. If someone comes along who ENHANCES my life, then great - but I will NEVER allow my happiness to be dependent upon another person.

Another misconception is that alone = lonely - an assumption usually made by people who have never NOT been in a relationship and who are terrified of not being in one - so they settle for a crap relationship rather than going it alone. I know which I would prefer... I will NEVER settle for someone just so I am not on my own - I can't think of anything worse than living with a man I don't love just because it makes society feel better.

You are shooting the messenger - I didn’t say it debarred them in theory, but in practice it did. I’m just describing people I know. And I don’t know any men in their fifties in that position.

Even the divorcees have their kids, though, don’t they?

I spent my 20s working and socialising as well got together with dh at 30 and dc at 36.... having had those fun times for me and then with dh is what got us through the boring /tough part of early parenthood..

my only regrets from that time were the holidays I didnt take - would send more time/money on travelling and less money/time down the pub maybe...... and I would have liked to think about living in a different country ...

if all shes doing is pissing it up the wall then I'd be suggesting other ways of spending/saving her cash that you can do whilst have no other ties/mortgage / kids......

It is eminently depressing that "settle down" still means "find a nice man, pop out a couple of children"

Completely agree! Even more disheartening how many posters agree with the OP. Snidey little judgements like how it's "sad" to not be tied to a bloke and kids! Imagine saying you thought it was sad for people who choose to saddle themselves with husbands and offspring! Shot down in flames you'd be!

Or basically what alfagirl73 said.

Thinking of my three closest friends, all of them are in shit relationships with shit men because any man is better than no man. Now that is sad.

OP can you explain secure her future ?
She is secure now.
No one knows what the future holds and marriage is certainly not a guarantee of a secure future.

I lived that exact life (London, friends, shared house) until my early 30s. God I loved it. Wouldn't change a minute and would happily have carried on that way if life hadn't taken me elsewhere.

I've stayed up all night many many times and never touched any drugs. I'm a night owl who could easily pull an all nighter in my 20s and go into work and be productive the next day. Easy. And more common than you would think. We all knew who were the "drug" crowd and there were many more of us in the "non drug" group by far.
We still had an absolute whale of a time.

Now I'm in my 50s and knackered it would be a different story of course.

I think it really depends on the city v rural divide
I live in a town (I’ve lived in city’s previously for uni but moved home afterwards) in the city life yes I think your DD’s style is seen as the norm

In comparison I was married at 26 and bought my own house (with DH) later the same year at 27, we have DC and are both in our early 30’s - we don’t live in the country but our town is definitely not a big city (or infact that exciting)
You may find once she moves on from the city life her attitude changes, chances are she’ll regret not getting on the property ladder sooner though

It's her life and she's old enough to live it how she pleases. Some people never settle down. My sister has never had children, her and her DH don't want them, she's 41 so unlikely she'll change her mind. But a lot of people don't understand why they're not driven to procreate. None of their business!

I completely agree with the poster who said they wished they’d taken more holidays and travelled - I 100% feel the same!

I have five sons aged from 40 to 28. Only one of them is in a relationship. All five were born by the time I was 28, so a huge contrast.

It does seem that younger people take longer to grow up (settle down etc) these days. For guys it's not such a problem but for women if they don't settle down until their mid thirties they may find its not as easy to start a family as fertility drops off a cliff after the age of 35. In the end though it's her life and if she is happy in her life and has loads of friends and likes going out socialising and has a good job then thats the most important thing. I'm sure she will find the right person in the next few years. You are right about buying a property though as it's the better than throwing your money down the drain renting. You can only advise her though.

It is normal. You just have to trust that she knows her own mind and will live a life that makes her happy.

If it’s in any way reassuring, I was quite a party girl in London during my twenties/early 30s, then my priorities changed and I bought my first property (by myself), and then at the age of 35 met my husband, got married and had a baby relatively quickly. I wouldn’t change any of it.

How archaic of you! There’s more to life than husbands and babies. Quit judging her and you do you.

Mum - is that you posting about me again!??!

No but seriously, I'm older than your daughter but had similar conversations with my mum. As previous posters have said, this is the London way and if she's happy, and paying her own way, then you should leave her to it...

OP you are the opposite of me 😄. My DD was living a full-on and fun life in London. I was so happy for her and loved hearing her news. She then met someone and before we knew it they were phoning to say they were engaged. I feigned enthusiasm but it really annoyed and baffled me. I just thought "Why?!" Then they got married and moved out of London, and now they're having a baby. Again, I thought "Why?!" Daughter is 29 and a less maternal woman you couldn't hope to meet. I'm being unreasonable too, but I just hope she's happy.

also, @alfagirl73 totally nailed it!

I worked in London for thirteen years and all the younger people I worked with came to work, went straight out to a bar, spent all night drinking and partying, fell into a grotty bedsit when they’d had enough and then did it all again the next day.

It’s time limited. There comes a point when the shallowness of it all kicks in and people grow up. It might be in their twenties, thirties or even fifties but eventually people have enough of it - or they look around and realise they’re the oldest swinger in town which is sobering in itself.

Leave your daughter be.

I was your DD til I was 37 and I had the time of my life , the best and happiest days.
If it wasn't for the happiest surprise ( ds who is 6 ) I would be there now !
I'm single now so not " settled down " its not for me, hard sometimes for people to understand but every one is different.

Personally I would say it’s perfectly normal at 28 for her to be enjoying her life. She’s put in hard work to get to where she is career wise making good money and looking after herself. That is truly inspiring! If/when she decides she wants a relationship/ family I’m sure you’ll be the first to know.

This was my lifestyle until my mid 30s. Then I bought a house and had a couple of babies. These days I'm middle age mum who doesn't get out much and I don't regret a minute of it. It's very normal. Try not to worry.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a London thing (although it may be more prevalent there). I think it is common in general with young professionals. I don’t live in London but lived a similar lifestyle to your Dd. I got together with my DH when I was 29. Even then we still went out drinking a lot but as a couple. We got married at 32 but didn’t have children straight away. I am now 39 and have 2 beautiful daughters (age 4 and 2). I have a friend who lives in London and also has a professional job has just had her 1st child at 40. My next door neighbours are professionals and 40 are expecting their first child. It is very common for people to wait these days. You are also assuming she wants kids (it certainly isn’t for everyone). And just because she’s dated ‘suitable’ men it doesn’t mean they were right for her. As long as she is happy that is what is important.

Sounds completely normal and nothing to worry about.