Everyone forgot Mother's Day

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

I'm in Canada and today is Mother's Day. It's nearly 11:00 and neither my husband or my kids have even acknowledged it.

My husband just came upstairs and caught me crying and wanted to know what was wrong. When I said "it's Mother's Day and none of you have done anything." he got really defensive and said he reminded the kids earlier this week and it's not his fault they didn't do anything. He even said that I can't expect him to remember Mother's Day because it's the wrong date in Canada (he's English) and he blamed the kids. We've been here for 10 years so he should know by now. Also, the kids are 12 and 8 - hardly old enough to be expected to do everything themselves.

AIBU to be completely pissed off with my husband? He thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't care about presents or anything like that, but an acknowledgement and a hug from the kids would have been nice.

You poor thing. That's horrible of them. And your husband sounds awful. I would stop the UK gifts except with the people who reciprocate. You must feel like shit buying them presents and cards and just being ignored by them for birthdays and Christmases.

I would talk to the kids on your own and say you're really hurt and that you always remember their special days and you want to be treated with the same respect. Don't laugh it off. Tell them how you feel. They have to learn to think of others.

I am so sorry that your family treats you so poorly and takes you for granted

It does seem like there is a pattern here where you do everything. Are you a SAHM or do you work? I only say that because I have noticed that SAHM often do take on absolutely anything which needs doing at home and that is not a healthy example to set children and certainly abstains your DH from doing anything to support you. If you do work why do you feel the need to go above and beyond your job and your share of household responsibilities?

I am sorry you are upset, I would be too but I would definitely have said something earlier on in the day and let your husband and children know that you feel unappreciated. Going out and giving yourself a treat and some quiet time for you and some contemplation time for them is a good idea. I would stop with the fathers day arrangements and your 12 year old needs to take on some of the planning for that or will you expect their husband or wife to remember mothers day for you when they are adults much as you do for your MIL? My DH was never brilliant with remembering birthdays etc but I made sure he knew I would not be dealing with his mums birthday, xmas presents or mothers day. All he had to do was remember my birthday and his mums. Everyone else on my side I dealt with and no one on his side except his mum but his brother was always quite happy with that.

OP remember these words and repeat them whenever you feel like reverting to doormat mode "We teach others how to treat us". You acknowledge that you've allowed your DH and DC to treat you like a skivvy, so let today be the motivation to change. I've been married 34 years, I've never bought for DH family, never made a doctors/dentists app for him. Why the hell would I? I'm not his mummy. Would your DH make your appointments? Would he remember your family's special days? Why is it a woman's job? I'm off on a rant now, but I'm an old bird and I despair this is still going on in the 21st century.

You need to speak to them all op in a day or two. Say what you’ve said here. Kids need telling you we’re upset and feel over looked. How would they like it if you forget their birthday or Christmas. You need serious discussion with DH.

That's very hurtful of your DH, and YANBU. But I agree with everyone else- you're setting your DC a terrible example because you're teaching them that women are doormats who have to do all the emotional work in a relationship.

Your kids are old enough to be told - in a calm and factual way - that you are sad that they didn't remember Mother's Day. Children have to be taught how to meet other people's emotional needs if they are going to function as successful adults. At the moment, they are on course to grow up to be like your DH.

I am perhaps a bit unusual in that I place a very low value on whether people acknowledge my special occasions (with the exception of my birthday, which I feel very strongly about NOT allowing people to acknowlege it!). It's nice, but it's not IMO important: people show their caring and concern, or the opposite, by how they treat you every day, not on a 'special day'. I think it's rather poor of your dh to instantly put the blame on the kids, but otherwise I don't think it's a big deal unless it reflects a general tendency of your family to ignore and disrespect you. One further point: at least in the UK, it is often the schools that remind children of Mother's Day and encourage them to make cards and presents. Are schools closed where you live? If so, they won't have had that push. In the future, I think there's no harm in you being the one to remind them!

I had a chat with the kids this morning and let them know that I was upset, not about the lack of cards or present but by the lack of even an acknowledgment. I got upset so they both know they've hurt me. But I made sure I didn't blame them for it. I realize my 12 year old is capable but I still think my husband should have guided them.

I work full time in a very demanding job. Over the past two months I have been splitting my time between home and the office, so I can be home to help the kids with schoolwork. But because I'm home in the afternoon, there's an expectation that I will do dinner, regardless of the fact that I have been working all afternoon and helping the kids with homework. My entire routine has been thrown out of whack and my days are now incredibly long. His days have not changed in the slightest but he's "super stressed"????

He is now being very apologetic and keeps saying he didn't do it on purpose. I've tried to explain that Mother's Day isn't the real issue - the real issue is that it didn't register for him. That I didn't register for him. He doesn't get why I'm so upset.

Hi op

I'm sorry you've had a bad start to the day, and I guess really just highlighted to you where your marriage is really at.

I hope when lockdown is over, you can look at what you want to do.

But your comment about him being generally nasty to the children made me feel so sad for you.

So let today go. Let all the wife work you do for him go.

Tell your kids and ask them to make lunch or dinner today.

I'm sending you a hug.

I'd be fuming. I dont understand how people dont care about being ignored or forgotten. If you've made an agreement within your family to not bother with any of it then fine. But here everyone has to be acknowledged and appreciated except for the person who does the most for everyone. Just stop doing anything for him. I certainly would make a hell of a point about it today about how much he's let you down. There's not much children that age can do, a handmade card if prompted, he should be appreciating what you do for his children.

Is it weird that I sort out presents for his family, @user1487194234? They're my family too -

I do that too. My brother's long-term partner used to do it for him but she stopped a few years ago. I had a special birthday last year and got a text from him in the evening. I was pissed off - One his friends posted a 'thank you' message for the lovely birthday flowers she had received from the DC (my DNs). These were sent by DB's partner but she won't get involved with his family gifts. He usually appears a week after our DPs birthdays with a gift voucher.

I understand why she won't help him, but he's never going to do it for himself and it does hurt.

From your updates you need rid of this selfish arse as soon as possible.

Mostly for yourself as nobody deserves to be treated like this

But also so your dc no longer keep learning to treat people like shit with no thought or consideration for their feelings.

I shouldn't be shocked yet I repeatedly am at the appalling treatment so many women put up with.

I've been on another thread that queried that "Ltb" is said too freely on this site, I strongly disputed as 99/100 the poster is being treated despicably even abusively.

Op I would classify his treatment of you as emotionally abusive.

He's a lazy, selfish dick who needs to grow the fuck up, but unfortunately given he's likely well into adulthood now there's very little chance he will change.

Kick him into touch as soon as practical. While we are in lockdown here people in abusive relationships have been advised they can and should leave despite lockdown, I can't imagine it's any different in Canada.

He brings nothing of use or value to your home or family from the sound of things.

As for "apologetic" words are cheap, unless his BEHAVIOUR changes drastically don't be fooled into forgiving him based on a pretence at remorse.

@Chocolatedeficitdisorder Sorry but that's on your brother NOT his partner! She's likely in a similar position to op being expected to do the graft and effort with little appreciation and she's rightly had enough! Take it up with your brother.

@WillAshton OP meant it was 11am not pm! If it was PM then they'd be ahead of us!

Thank you @Graphista. I have spent the majority of the day looking at apartments/houses online. Unfortunately, until the housing market resumes, we can't list the house for sale. And I can't afford to leave before the house is sold.

Sorry you're somewhat trapped for the moment. Hope you're able to change things soon. This does sound like it was last straw really

Do you know what though? Despite being trapped, I feel excited at the moment. I know it won't be easy, but I can almost picture a little house or apartment for just me and the kids. I can see it and it's not nearly as scary as I thought.

Crying doesn't achieve anything.

You said he doesn't get it as to why you are upset.
He does, 100%. But acknowledging your feelings meants he has to take the blame.
That is what he doesn't (want to) get.

No @Daphnise it doesn't, but unfortunately it's what quite a few humans do when they are upset.

@CrazyTimesAreOccurring I agree

Op I raised my dd alone from she was 2 after splitting from my ex. I won't say it was easy, but it certainly wasn't as hard as I feared it would be. And as time went on I actually found I preferred being single.

I think a lot of women fear the unknown of lone parenting which is understandable but I think we need to correct the myth that being in a bad relationship is preferable to being alone, it really isn't!

I believe there's a long running thread on happy singledom but I can't find it right now.

I really believe such a shift in attitude would actually make men step up too. Though it somewhat baffles me that men are stupid enough to alienate the very people they depend on. Many studies show men benefit more from marriage/ltr than women.

I’m a single mum who works full time from home during lockdown with no family nearby to help in Canada. You can bet your ass I managed to get extra stuff for ds birthday during lockdown. If I can do it he could have too.

I had to remember to order his present well in advance so it would arrive in time. Larger grocery stores all have cards and gifts, just like in the uk. And we have dollarama which has tons of cheap party supplies including cards and small possible gifts, and they’re all still open (also sell groceries and cleaning supplies).
Zero reason he couldn’t have popped off to shops without the kids and done a grocery run along with cards/gift. I did mine with kid in tow because I had no choice.

After dday, I stopped doing all the wife work for xh. He forgot his parents/family birthdays every year after that. He couldn’t even tell you when any of my families birthdays are or how old any of my nieces/nephews are. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear he didn’t call his mother yesterday either.

OP, Stop doing the wife work, get yourself through this pandemic/lockdown and take care of your mental health first and foremost (and the kids), and get your ducks lined up ready to go for when we come out of this.

YANBU, OP, and I feel your pain. Why should you have to remind them?

YANBU plus he got defensive due to feeling guilty

OP I totally understand your feelings, and I would feel the exact same way. Your DH is particularly unimpressive (to put it mildly).

However may I put this out there as a possibility - with everything that is happening now with lockdown, no school etc, this is a highly unusual year, and normally your DH and kids would be reminded about the day in advance everywhere, shops with cards, school would surely mention it etc. Maybe without all these external clues, they can be forgiven for not remembering? (But surely your DH's response should have been 'shite we forgot, let me get the kids to make a card, food etc'.)

Next time (hopefully there won't be one!) just take control, hug your DC and do something nice with them.