Everyone forgot Mother's Day

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

I'm in Canada and today is Mother's Day. It's nearly 11:00 and neither my husband or my kids have even acknowledged it.

My husband just came upstairs and caught me crying and wanted to know what was wrong. When I said "it's Mother's Day and none of you have done anything." he got really defensive and said he reminded the kids earlier this week and it's not his fault they didn't do anything. He even said that I can't expect him to remember Mother's Day because it's the wrong date in Canada (he's English) and he blamed the kids. We've been here for 10 years so he should know by now. Also, the kids are 12 and 8 - hardly old enough to be expected to do everything themselves.

AIBU to be completely pissed off with my husband? He thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't care about presents or anything like that, but an acknowledgement and a hug from the kids would have been nice.

OP are you in lockdown?

I have no idea what day it is half the time.

Unless you stop facilitating everything then there won't be any change. You are unappreciated, he will get the credit for sending the flowers. His family don't reciprocate and neither does he. I'm sure this leaks into other areas of your relationship.
It's lovely that you are so thoughtful but you aren't doing yourself any favours, especially when their thoughtless and selfish behaviour hurts you so.

@emwithme no he didn't acknowledge Mothering Sunday in the UK either.

@VenusTiger I don't want to involve his mother. She's hard work at the best of times and she doesn't need to be involved with our issues.

Why would you bother with Father's Day? It clearly doesn't matter to him or he would have made an effort for you today.

You need to learn from this, Op. You've already said you are down from having to 'do it all'.

@MyCatHatesEverybody I know I should just stop sending cards and gifts to the UK but we rarely get back and it feels like the only connection we have to our nieces and nephews there.

It is only important to acknowledge the day for the father if the day for the mother has been acknowledged.

If you are not important enough to celebrate then nor is he.

He reminded the kids in the week-but what did he expect them to do?

Did they have money & could get to shops?

Well do the same for him for FD-remind them & leave it at that-I don't get why you feel you couldn't & then about the shift from child to parent for a day-seems as if you place far to much on it. He obviously doesn't so won't care if nothing is done.

I agree with others that you do far to much re presents.
Young nephews & nieces maybe-but his adult siblings-no fucking way!

You organised something for his mum from him when it's not even MD for her-why?

Op sorry but you're being too nice.
His harsh reaction shows he doesn't really care about how upset you are so he won't learn anything unless it hurts him as well. I would definetly not let this pass and even if you don't forget Fathers Day at least let him sort out taking care of his own family's birthday cards/gifts.

@Rubyroost I'm prepared to be told that I'm being unreasonable but calling someone pathetic is a little nasty, don't you think?

You mean he didn’t listen to either krista freeland or justin! Rather ignorant since both mentioned Mother’s Day in their daily briefings twice this week.
You have the power and it’s still early to make it special. Go to the garden center buy yourself a beautiful hanging basket, order out for supper YOUR choice.
You have several good hours ahead to refocus and enjoy your day your way.

I've threatened to hand it all over to him before. But when he missed our niece's birthday, I started taking care of it again. Why should they miss out because he's a wanker?
Because there is no other way he will ever learn to step up. He knew fine well you would step back in if he missed just one - and sure enough that's exactly what happened.

If you celebrate Father's Day for him you are merely reinforcing the message - he can do none of this emotional labour for the family and it doesn't matter.

I think you're just setting yourself up to be disappointed every year. If he can't be arsed, that's up to him. I would buy yourself flowers on Mother's Day (never mind his mother) and hole yourself up and ignore them for the day. Make that your treat to yourself.

@Rubyroost ouch!

@Rubyroost there’s really no need to speak to people like that, Internet forum or not.

Thanks everyone. If nothing else, I've learned that I need to stop doing so damn much for everyone else. My husband likes to "joke" that he leaves it to me because I enjoy doing it. 🙄 Minimal effort from here on out unless the effort is reciprocated.

To the person who asked why we bought for his mum, he decided when we moved here that we would acknowledge the Canadian Mother's Day for his mum but apparently not for me.

So what will you do now @AnnieOnAMapleLeaf?

Will you continue doing everything for his side of the family now that you have realised they don't reciprocate.... or will you hand over some of the wife work and mental load to a grown man who is perfectly capable of remembering dates?

Having a penis isn't an excuse....

@AnnieOnAMapleLeaf, I am also in Canada from UK. This is the first year I have been separated for Mothers Day which is awesome because I am not expecting anything, instead of being upset that he doesn't give a shit! My stbxh is also childish and defensive. The day before my first mother's day as a parent (a long time coming), a few years back, I remember walking through Sears and he said "Oh, is it Mothers Day tomorrow? I hope you're not expecting anything from me". What a dick. He just couldn't stand the attention being on me, I think. He was also fond of the excuse "Well, you're not my mother".

If you'd read the actual thread @Rubyroost you'd know I wasn't upset about not getting a card. I wanted a hug and an acknowledgment of the day.

And yes, I fully appreciate that there are other issues going on in the world, but that doesn't negate my feelings. I'm allowed to be upset about not being appreciated.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sorting out cards and gifts for his side of the family. I do this for our extended family because I'm much better organised than my DH and I remember easily, whereas he doesn't. But he's a heavy lifter in other areas of our marriage that I happily leave to him so it evens out.

What he always does, though, is buy me great presents for Christmas and birthdays, and always helped the kids get something for Mother's Day when they were small, so I don't think YABU to expect a token from your family with his help.

If you'd come on here about your husband and kids being twats in general then fair enough. But it's one day. I would be more concerned about appreciation being shown over a period of time.

"To the person who asked why we bought for his mum, he decided when we moved here that we would acknowledge the Canadian Mother's Day for his mum"

But you did it?

He wants it acknowledging-he does it!

There's obviously more than this though I'm guessing.

I thought that MD would be forgotten about by my lot today.

It wasn't.

If it had been I would have been disappointed, but wouldn't have thought my husband a wanker.

So if he calls his mum today to check she got the flowers - I do hope she asks or the kids got some for you.