Everyone forgot Mother's Day

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

I'm in Canada and today is Mother's Day. It's nearly 11:00 and neither my husband or my kids have even acknowledged it.

My husband just came upstairs and caught me crying and wanted to know what was wrong. When I said "it's Mother's Day and none of you have done anything." he got really defensive and said he reminded the kids earlier this week and it's not his fault they didn't do anything. He even said that I can't expect him to remember Mother's Day because it's the wrong date in Canada (he's English) and he blamed the kids. We've been here for 10 years so he should know by now. Also, the kids are 12 and 8 - hardly old enough to be expected to do everything themselves.

AIBU to be completely pissed off with my husband? He thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't care about presents or anything like that, but an acknowledgement and a hug from the kids would have been nice.

he didn't acknowledge Mothering Sunday in the UK either.

I would be very hurt if I didn't get something from my own son on one of the mother's days and he just left it to his wife. Maybe your MiL really doesn't care... but certainly you should stop covering for him. If you're lucky next year she'll give him such a row that you wont need to say anything more

he decided when we moved here that we would acknowledge the Canadian Mother's Day for his mum

Well he seems to have decided what you would acknowledge for his mum. From now on he needs to decide what he does about his mother. And he needs to deal with the fallout.

My English son is married to a Canadian and lives in Canada. He always remembers mothers day both sides. I am lucky in that I get two mothers days. I get the UK one, and then the Canadian one even though I don't live there.

Your children should have remembered and are old enough to do something, but it is harder at the moment with no one going out and seeing it advertised. Your OH should have made an effort!

Op what’s your dh like on your birthday?
If he’s the same, then start taking control of it yourself. There’s no need for your children to learn that mum doesn’t need to remembered or thought of on special days.
You get them to join in with celebrations, get them to draw you cards or bake biscuits or whatever.
I have a friend in a similar situation and it upset her so much when her teen ds bought his girlfriends Mum a birthday present and had never got his own mum a present.
The expectation was never there for his own mum. Her dh never bothered so the kids never bothered and she goes all out on birthdays and Father’s Day. It’s really sad.

I'm in USA and my family have managed to fail to keet my extremely low expectstions as well... I had hopes of a cup of tea in bed. Instead it is 12.58pm and the kids have only just got up (teens) and my husband suggested we stop on the way to the grocery store to get a take away and eat in th car without the kids. He doesn't see how that is in no way celebrating mothers day, and why I have no real desire to go queie outside Walmart for an hour then trail around alone to pick up everyone's food and drink choices for the week. No choice though since I ak the only one going into stores right now to keep us safe.

Bah humbug. Buy yourself a nice coffee and tell them it is 'fend for yourselves' night for dinner.

Some families are just more into celebrating things more than others - I came from a family where we loved marking all the special occasions and everyone always reminded each other to make sure no one was left out.

Unfortunately, I married into a family that is the complete opposite - 12 years on I now just make some very loud hints a week and a day before for anything that's important to me. Takes the element of pleasant surprise out of things but also don't end up quietly seething all day either.

I think if you love them just fine the other 364 days of the year then you have to get to that place of acceptance which is they are just not very good at this 'thing' so find a way to make the best of it.

YANBU and for him to blame young children would put me right off him. No respect = no cooking, laundry, sex Until he grew up and apologised . Plus sorted gifts and a card.

For some inexplicable reason dh didn't do much for valentines as he said he didn't think we were doing it. We've done if since 1996. He could tell I was upset, and I'd gone all out for him, so when he popped to the wherever he also brought back some sweets, chocolate and a jumper and said sorry.

Who cares.

It was a few weeks ago in the UK.

There are far more important issues at the moment than 'Mother's Day'.

Suggest you get dc and oh birthday gifts - but don't rush to give them. Act dumb. They will soon catch on that being forgotten and ignored hurts and when they whinge point out a few home truths before giving them their gifts. The only way they will learn

The traditional Mothering Sunday is three weeks before Easter. "Mother's Day" in May is a North American invention. No British mum should be upset - unless she forgot to bake a Simnel Cake.

Well, my eldest was up before me this morning and cleared up two piles of dog crap and a giant puddle of pee (elderly lab had clearly had a bad night) but managed to give me a hug and say happy Mother’s Day before she went back to bed. Everyone else is still asleep. We don’t really ‘do’ Mother’s Day/ Father’s Day. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time it wasn’t mentioned at all.
I’m mildly curious though. I’ve been running a ‘support local businesses’ delivery habit, so we’ve had all sorts of deliciousness delivered from the local deli/ two bakeries/ French bakery, chocolatier, cake-maker and candy store (and some groceries, obv, but have been making a real effort to support everyone in our little town whose tourist industry crashed overnight). I ordered handmade Easter eggs etc etc. Anyway, I made it super clear that I wasn’t ordering this weekend as it was all Mother’s Day brunches (ingredients for such), Mother’s Day teas with beautiful cakes, and chocolates. All lovely things to have delivered. Seemed a bit weird for me to be ordering Mother’s Day stuff. No idea if anyone else did. Time will tell
Your dh sounds like a knob, Annie, but I can’t get too worked up. Frankly if anyone has ordered anything here, it will be because they quite fancy posh afternoon tea deliciousness, with a suitable excuse.
That’s all good though. I’m happier that they pick up dog crap and mop the hardwood instead of yelling ‘muuuuuuuuum’. It shows me I did a reasonable job. Thatytge thanks I need.

That’s not the point - it sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

DS is a sweetie but hopeless for things like this. I was a bit when he didn’t bother his backside to get me a Christmas present - and I knew I was feeling a bit crappy this year as we couldn’t go to family and I always really miss my parents on days like this - but I chose to take the mickey and focus on the food, music, films... I could very easily have got very upset.

This Mother’s Day I bought the card, gave it to DH and told him to pass it on. I knew he wouldn’t get organised so decided to bypass it.

@torkandgrunt

OP isn't British - she's Canadian (DH is British) and today IS her Mother's Day

“Don’t do a bloody thing for Father’s Day”

She shouldn’t have to, same as the dad shouldn’t have had to today.

The kids are 12 and 8, not 6 and 2

Happy Mothers Day, OP. I remember feeling like this at times and telling DH I was disappointed in the lack of thought. Now (as adult kids) everyone remembers and makes a bit of a fuss. Do go off with your coffee & book for a lovely day - look after yourself first for once! Hopefully they'll get the point.

As several posters have said, I'd say something to your kids about how you felt. Your DH did remind them and they chose not to prioritize, though DH should have followed up. Your dh is the product of his upbringing, and you can influence your children to be more thoughtful as they grow up. I would remind the kids about Father's Day and then leave them to it.

12 & 8 is well old enough - but if they've not seen caring behaviour they'll need to be taught. Right now they're learning that mom is a martyr & take it for granted that mom does everything for dad & them. Do they do chores to contribute to the family household functioning? That helped mine become more aware of the efforts required to run a house/family.

And definitely offload many of the tasks you do for DH that he should be doing for himself, but let him know ahead of time that you're no longer doing them. Don't offload any that will drive you crazy to have undone (otherwise you'll do them, and DH will be reinforced in his behaviour). Have you read the mental load?

My kids may be old enough, but, as many of you have said, I've taught them that I'll take care of everything. That's on me, not them.

TBH this thread just brushes the tip of my issues with H. He is obviously oblivious to my feelings and takes me for granted, but he's also controlling and moody and generally nasty to the children. I really need Covid to run its course so I can make some decisions about my marriage.

Why do you sort out gifts and cards for his side of the family?
Does he do the same for your side of the family?

@MostlyHappyMummy because I am an idiot. He went from being babied by his mom, to being babied by his nan and now he's being babied by me. I'm such an idiot.

And I never ever sort out presents for his family
Why would anyone do that?
Why not?
I consider Dh's family my own especially the way they treat me which is nothing short of fantastic. I have much more down time to shop and organise things and the money in the bank is joint money. I'm not seeing a problem. It's not me V Dh's family!
Some people on here make the in laws sound like they are the enemy!

@MockersxxxxxxxSocialDistancing
British Mothers Day/Mothering Sunday is to do with Mum actually. I've read that it stems from the days when children were in service in big houses and the only day they got to go home and visit their families was on a Sunday on their day off. With the houses being in the countryside they would pick flowers on the way home to present to their mother.

No, you're not the idiot. He is. Kind people, usually women are subtly bullied into these roles by lazy, selfish men.
But now you see it clearly, maybe stand up for yourself and introduce some boundaries

YANBU - Little sods for not remembering and your husband could have hinted to them or 'helped' by buying flowers/card.

Having said that - when they're teenagers (in my house anyway) you get literally nothing but a grunt (and that's if you're lucky) hehe

The argument that he couldn't remember because he is British is not very good one. You have the reminders of the shops, news etc. of mothers day in the country you are in but you don't get it for the other date.
So really he should be forgetting the British date not the Canadian one.

I always forget until the day (and then message my mum like I never forgot) because I don't get the reminders of todays date, only the British one until I read the news from home on the day and see everyone go about it on social media.

It is hard when your DH doesn't take the initiative on these things or if you are a single parent. When my kids were too young to organize anything, I still wanted to make it special for all of us and teach them that it's nice to celebrate each other- so I took us all out for lunch or a walk or something. When they were old enough I would take them to a small shop, give them money and then wait outside while they bought me something small. They loved hiding the present and giving it to me on the day- and yes I would remind them! I don't think it's a bad thing to want to be celebrated or to join in with celebrating yourself!

You do everything for your husband.

Your kids see this and they grow up to believe that these gender roles are fine and so it continues.

The longer you let it continue you pass it on to the next generation

Mine forgot UK mothers day. 12 and 15 and I had reminded them several times on the run up. I wasn’t upset really and joked with them about it but did point out that its not a nice feeling to be forgotten and if I'd forgotten their birthdays they'd have been really upset.

I then suggested I be american for today and gave them a do-over.
This time cards were made, and bacon rolls and a cuppa were produced!