Everyone forgot Mother's Day

[AnnieOnAMapleLeaf]

I'm in Canada and today is Mother's Day. It's nearly 11:00 and neither my husband or my kids have even acknowledged it.

My husband just came upstairs and caught me crying and wanted to know what was wrong. When I said "it's Mother's Day and none of you have done anything." he got really defensive and said he reminded the kids earlier this week and it's not his fault they didn't do anything. He even said that I can't expect him to remember Mother's Day because it's the wrong date in Canada (he's English) and he blamed the kids. We've been here for 10 years so he should know by now. Also, the kids are 12 and 8 - hardly old enough to be expected to do everything themselves.

AIBU to be completely pissed off with my husband? He thinks I'm being ridiculous. I don't care about presents or anything like that, but an acknowledgement and a hug from the kids would have been nice.

Oh I'm done @FourDecades. I will continue buying for his sister and her kids because she is good and never misses a birthday or Christmas. He can deal with the rest of his family though. While I'm at it, he can also schedule his own doctors appointments, dentist appointments and vehicle services. Yes, I do it all!

If he can't remember the Canadian mother's Day date because it's not the same as in the UK then does he have an excuse for not remembering to do anything for you on the UK date?
I don't do any gifts for DH family just like he doesn't for mine. And they all get gifts. Having a willy doesn't make you incapable of sending a card/gift to others.

@Rubyroost I mean OP is upset and you’re calling her pathetic and ranting about how there are other things in the world that are wrong. No shit! If I cry because I have a bad day at work is that not allowed because I’m lucky I don’t live in a war zone? Just dial back on the nastiness, there’s really no need. Stop telling people how to feel and go elsewhere if it’s so offensive.

Then you shouldn’t.

I have a slightly different perspective. Every year growing up my mum would have a huge shit fit and spend mothers day crying. I dreaded it. Nothing I ever did for her was good enough.

I've vowed never to do that to my DC. We don't do anything on mothers day or fathers day except I might buy a cheesy mug or two, because I like cheesy mugs.

It really isn't worth getting upset over. What's much more important is how you are treated the other 364 days of the year..

Sorry that was a response to OP’s ‘I do it all’

You are his wife. Not his nanny.

If you'd come on here about your husband and kids being twats in general then fair enough. But it's one day. I would be more concerned about appreciation being shown over a period of time.

This is what your initial post should have been @Rubyroost instead of the nasty response you posted. This post makes a great deal more sense.

It feels like the only connection we have to our nieces and nephews there.

But it's not a connection if it's only one way. Connection could come via social media, snail mail or whatever, not through unreciprocated gestures.

I think your unappreciative DH is making you feel like crap by refusing to give you the acknowledgement you crave so you're trying to reach out for validation from his wider family in the hopes they'll fill the void for you - but they won't. Plough your energy into you - if you treat yourself with respect others are more likely to follow suit. No one bothers appeasing a doormat.

In the meantime have some

@Soarklesocks I'll do as I like I'm afraid. That's my opinion it is pathetic. Pippapeg has pretty much said the same without using the word. That's all.

I remember when my SIL moved to New Zealand (nearly 50 years ago now) and of course Mother's Day is today, the same as Australia, Canada etc. MIL was most upset that she didn't get a card from her, and of course no internet then, so no-one realised there was a difference, took a long time to placate MIL !

@AnnieOnAMapleLeaf - why not ask the kids why they didn't do anything to celebrate with you? And let them know that you were disappointed.

I'm just being honest, crying over mothers day is pretty pathetic.

OP, stop dong the gifts for his family. Yes, they'll likely not get anything, but if you keep caving and going back to buying on his behalf, then he'll never do it himself. If he ever does. It's really not your problem.

And do for him exactly for father's day what he did for mother's day. Remind the DC a bit before, and then drop the rope. They won't do anything but it is not your problem either.

I never got anything for mother's day until the DC were old enough to organise it themselves, unless we were out on the day, then it was usually a last minute spur of the moment purchase from a garden centre. (I didn't get much, if anything for birthdays and Xmas either, he was an arse, glad he's an ex.)

Sorry your thread has attracted a bellend anyway OP. I’m also sorry your DH makes you feel unappreciated, hope you manage to do something nice for yourself today even if it’s only small treats.

You know what, @Rubyroost is right! It may not have been conveyed in the nicest way possible, but she's right. I am responsible for the way I feel today. It's my fault that I've allowed everyone to take advantage of me for years and, what's worse, I've told them time and again that it's ok to treat me like that. And yes, that is pretty pathetic.

Also, I'd be telling him that I'm no longer doing sorting out the cards and gifts for his family back home in the UK, that it was on him now, and letting them know that too

I find it odd that it’s normal to assume the woman sorts all that out.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Dh sorts his family. I sort mine.

Plus DH is better at buying gifts and cards.

Rubyroost

I can understand the crying, been there, done that. In my case it was like a realisation that my ex didn't give a shit, and after I'd gone a long time with little appreciation of any sort.

People like to quote the languages of love and how people do things differently to show they care. But quite often, as in my case, it's simply down to not caring at all, which isn't great to realise.

Actually no, that's not pathetic. But if you feel unappreciated in your every day life you do need to consider how you will deal with this in the longer term. It can be the little things though that matter. Does your husband do stuff round the house, make you cups of tea, give yoh hugs, tell you he loves you etc?

YNBU. Of course you want them to remember it's mother's day. The three of them. Having said that, even if he's been there for 10 years, remember that he comes from a different culture. That doesn't make it right though, just saying. Cannot undo the way he's been raised. Happy mother's day to you. Have your Starbucks, enjoy your solitude and book in the park. They will probably come find you when they get hungry!

I find it odd that it’s normal to assume the woman sorts all that out.

It's called Wifework, the idea that women are responsible for everything. And it's normal. In fact, it's the idea thatmen sort their own family out that unusual. I got some huffing from ex's family for not doing stuff.

Rubyroost you’re well nasty.

YANBU OP to expect something on Mother’s Day. I think a 12 and 8 year old are still too young to sort it out without a little help from your DP.

You're well nasty. Well I thought I was on AIBU but clearly things have changed round here!

In the UK Mothering Sunday was right after lockdown. I bought a box of chocolates in the last big shop before lockdown, and told the kids exactly what I wanted from them on the day (a meal, and a board game).

Normally, I tell them what to buy but this was a funny year.

You have to tell them. Waiting for them to do something and then feeling sad is a recipe for everyone being sad. Go find them, tell them exactly what you expect them to do for the rest of the day. Birthdays and mothering sunday are great because they have to be agreeable. Go give them something to agree with.

YAnbu I take it Canada is on a lockdown? So where did your dh expect the kids to go and get anything from? He's being a lazy bastard blaming a 12 and 8 year old for not organising a present, a card and breakfast in bed.

My exh did this to me on my first MD so I returned the favour that year and did nothing for his first FD. He never forgot again.