Advice please on neighbour

[Sidalee7]

Live in a cul de sac with mostly semi detached houses. We live next door but one to a mum and her daughter who is 6. Since lockdown started the daughter is at the neighbour in between’s house shouting/screaming at the neighbour constantly. Apparently the neighbour told her off for something at the start of lockdown and the child now screams “I hate you” and “you are stupid/a poo/a witch ect ect” ALL THE TIME. It’s making being in our garden a nightmare.
Yesterday I saw the mum outside their garage and the daughter was shouting abuse into the neighbors letter box.
I said (calmly and in a low tone) : please can you stop her doing that, it’s horrible. She screamed at me YOU are horrible (never had a problem with her, would always smile and say hello) My daughter has SPECIAL NEEDS she is autistic it’s not her fault.
I still feel shaking and horrible from the confrontation. I hate the thought that she thinks I’m not understanding of her daughters autism. But surely she can try to stop her daughter rather than letting her and not telling her to stop?

I would wonder if the mum is special needs too or perhaps the daughter is copying the mum.
I don't think anyone should be abusing a neighbour like that every day no matter whether they are special needs or not.
Does the neighbour who is being shouted at live alone?

The mum could surely stop her? Have you spoken to the neighbour the child is shouting at?

Yes she is an elderly lady living alone.
It’s such an awful situation and I don’t know what to do.
The mum literally ignores it, she doesn’t ever acknowledge it. She said “she started it” meaning the neighbor telling the daughter off. But all she did was say “don’t pick my flowers” - she doesn’t deserve to be screamed at every day. But it was like the mum thought the daughter was justified? So odd

Do you know what it’s like trying to calm an autistic child having a meltdown

Yes, have spoken to the neighbor and she said it’s making her life a nightmare

This doesn’t sound like a meltdown though.

No londonsuffolk I don’t, and I really sympathise with the mum, but surely she could do something? Even to just take her in when she starts. It’s like the mum is allowing her to do it by saying nothing

You should speak to the police to see what they can do. NO ONE should be targeting and bullying their neigbours like this

I did think about that OMG but it just seems ridiculous- we are in lockdown and police are under massive stress and she’s 6 /7 fgs!
! But it is such an awful situation. I’m literally looking forward to the weather getting bad again so we won’t hear it.

Just do it. This must be incredibly stressful. Targetted bullying is just unacceptable. It's possible police will be able to get contact on someone who can help the mum to prevent this.

The next time she's trespassing on the neighbour's property shouting through the letter box I'd call the local police station (not 999) and see if they can send someone around to have a quiet word sometime.

This sort of harassment is never acceptable, regardless of any special needs involved. It doesn't sound like trying to resolve it amicably is going to work so you'll need to take it to the next level.

That isn’t an autistic meltdown though @Londonsuffolkmummy - that’s something that needs to be dealt with.

No parents should let their child behave like that - it’s entirely preventable.

YANBU OP - I’m not sure what the solution is.

I have an autistic child. No way would he a) do this b) be allowed to do this c) be allowed anywhere near the house if he did

@Londonsuffolkmummy
Deliberately targeting someone to harass them is NOT a meltdown, it’s nasty bullying and for the mother not to be stopping it is disgusting.
An adult to say she started it is pathetic.
I’d call Social Services.

Thank you @Overcomplicated that’s really helpful.
I hate the thought of bad feeling and confrontation. We’ve never had an issue and we’ve all lived here for years with no issues.

Unacceptable behaviour. Neighbour needs to report this. You can back her up. Bloody ridiculous that the mother isn't dealing with it. If she won't, someone needs to escalate it.

I'd call if it happens again, your neighbour who is being targeted sounds vulnerable and with nowhere to escape to right now, I can't fathom what she must feel. There's a difference between meltdowns and inappropriate abusive behaviour. It does sound like the mum has her own needs.

I would wonder if the mum is special needs

No one is special needs, people are not their disability, they have special needs. Please get the terminology right.

OP, I'd stay out of it. If the neughbour is bothered by it then she should contact the council or the neighbourhood policing team but other people getting involved is only going to make the situation worse.

Let the police know the girl is harassing the elderly lady, and the mother is allowing it.

Poor lady. Have you spoken to her to check she is okay. Lock down is stressful enough without being targeted like this.

And to be clear, she isn’t being targeted by the child, but by the mother and is allowing, and by the sounds of it, encouraging this dreadful behaviour.

Yes as a society we should be understanding of special need’s, however everyone’s needs and rights need to be considered and I am sure this poor lady is living through hell.

Contact the community police officer and say you are concerned that an elderly, isolated lady is in a difficult situation. Explain what is happening and I hopefully they will have a chat with you very one and calm it down.

thats not a meltdown thats abusing someone-she asked her not to pick her flowers totally resonable

Sorry, but the pointing out of it being hard to calm down a child in meltdown is bloody ridiculous. I have an autistic child. This is not meltdown behaviour. This is downright unrestrained bad behaviour, bullying and wrong. Autistic people still know, or should be taught, right from wrong. It's not a get out of jail free card. Yes, allowances and adaptions must be expected but this is outrageous

Sounds like a little brat to me. The mother should be able to control her child regardless of whatever issues they may have. If it is relentless then I hope your neighbour takes action herself and puts a stop to any trespassing onto her property. Hounding an old lady like that is despicable the kids issues are irrelevant if she is a horror, control your kid!

OP, I'd stay out of it. If the neughbour is bothered by it then she should contact the council or the neighbourhood policing team but other people getting involved is only going to make the situation worse.

Absolutely disagree with that. If you see someone being bullied, especially vulnerable, you should always help and call help.

Agree on calling the police. This sort of stress for an elderly woman living alone ? She must be so upset, and it isn’t as though you can call in for a cup of tea and support her.
It is completely unacceptable behaviour from the parent of the child. She should be taking her daughter inside. He daughter is verbal and articulate , and so should be able to understand a firm “Don’t do that, it is not kind”. It sounds as though she is using special needs as an excuse for horrible bullying, basically using her child to bully the elderly lady.