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AIBU?

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Original poster

Advice please on neighbour

167 replies

Sidalee7 · 09/05/2020 22:45

Live in a cul de sac with mostly semi detached houses. We live next door but one to a mum and her daughter who is 6. Since lockdown started the daughter is at the neighbour in between’s house shouting/screaming at the neighbour constantly. Apparently the neighbour told her off for something at the start of lockdown and the child now screams “I hate you” and “you are stupid/a poo/a witch ect ect” ALL THE TIME. It’s making being in our garden a nightmare.
Yesterday I saw the mum outside their garage and the daughter was shouting abuse into the neighbors letter box.
I said (calmly and in a low tone) : please can you stop her doing that, it’s horrible. She screamed at me YOU are horrible (never had a problem with her, would always smile and say hello) My daughter has SPECIAL NEEDS she is autistic it’s not her fault.
I still feel shaking and horrible from the confrontation. I hate the thought that she thinks I’m not understanding of her daughters autism. But surely she can try to stop her daughter rather than letting her and not telling her to stop?

OP posts:
Notthecarwashagain · 10/05/2020 11:47

The only thing that this would teach an autistic child (or any, actually) is that when someone doesn't to what you want them to do, you hit them to make them.

mooching · 10/05/2020 11:50

Spank a child? Dealing with aggressive behaviour with violence? Ridiculous suggestion and will teach nothing. This child has either a parent who is really struggling mentally or with their parenting skills or isn't a particularly nice person. It is hardly the 6 year old's fault.

AintNoRainToday · 10/05/2020 11:57

The mother has a vendetta towards the neighbour. She is letting/encouraging her daughter to behave in this manner because she knows she can play the card of "she is just a child" or "she is autistic".

There is no way a responsible parent would let their 6 year old shout abuse through somebodies letterbox. Her response of "well she started it" tells you EXACTLY what you need to know. She is fine with her daughter doing this. The child is not at fault, the mother is. Special needs doesn't even come into this apart from the mother using it.

greathat · 10/05/2020 12:10

I'd doubt the kid is autistic, if that's the behaviour being excused as autism. Some parents (not ones with kids with genuine autism) need to learn how to parent. Feel very sorry for your neighbour

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 12:16

I'd doubt the kid is autistic, if that's the behaviour being excused as autism.

It did cross my mind too. Simply based on how the mother is reacting

Honeyroar · 10/05/2020 12:35

From the way that the mother turned and shouted insults at you it’s absolutely obvious that the child’s behaviour is directly learned from the mother and nothing to do with her autism. I’d definitely report her. I’d have told her there and then that I’d be reporting them if she didn’t take her child away, and I’d do it every time I saw her or her child abusing anyone. To the police, the council and social services. Let her know that her actions are going to have consequences for her.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 10/05/2020 12:44

Dont give the goady poster anymore air - they KNOW spanking the child is going to set things off Hmm yawn Zzzzzz

GabsAlot · 10/05/2020 13:47

i wouldnt be surprised if thers no autism sounds like an excuse

wouldnt a normal parent apologise and bring the child indoors explaning she has autism not using it as an excuse to harrass people

magicfarawaytrees · 10/05/2020 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KKSlider · 10/05/2020 14:43

Nowhere on Mumsnet does anyone ever say that.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 10/05/2020 15:10

Do you know what it’s like trying to calm an autistic child having a meltdown

I certainly do but even if my DS was having a meltdown I would not allow him to abuse a neighbour! If he tried to shout through someone’s letterbox he would be removed. Meltdowns in his own house cannot be helped and I have, in the past, apologised to my neighbours about noise (although now late teens and he has developed coping mechanisms so his meltdowns are rare and quieter).

The mother is displaying a shocking lack of respect by allowing her child to behave in that way.

lifeisgoodmostofthetime · 10/05/2020 15:21

Autism or not that is clearly harassment and the mother is letting her do it. Maybe she said she can? I'd call social services as she is setting her up to be a bully and harass people when they say no to her.

Saucepanlid · 10/05/2020 15:36

Terrible for the victim but awful for the child who is being allowed .. encouraged even.. to behave like this . What kind of future will she have if this is the way her mother behaves .

Stinkycatbreath · 10/05/2020 15:57

Yes her special needs need to be understood but this is just shit parenting. It is not a meltdown.

magicfarawaytrees · 10/05/2020 16:26

Some of the posters on this website are pathetic, why has my comment been deleted? Yes people in Mumsnet do say that, if you can read you will find some said it on the first two pages of this thread. Heaven help some posters if they stepped into the real world outside- I read someone on here post yesterday that this site is ‘extremely racist’. Is it bollocks.

Explain to me why it’s so offensive that I said she is highly likely not autistic from what has been described, and that to use autism as a blanket excuse as an excuse for awful behavior in children is actually extremely offensive to people with autism?

Brefugee · 10/05/2020 16:47

This thread is not going to go well. It is one of several recent threads about autism and neighbours and, if the other threads are anything to go by, will descend into a mass of ableist comments and vile statements.

I read some bollocks here sometimes but this is some of the orst.

The threads here recently have all been overwhelmingly sympathetic to the child/ren with ASD and their families. But they have also been ovewhelmingly sympathetic, too, to the neighbours having to put up with some shitty conditions.

My mum is elderly and lives alone and i'd hope a neighbour would look out for her and support her in calling the police. For sure nobody should have to put up with being shouted at through their letterbox.

Brefugee · 10/05/2020 16:48

*orst = worst

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 10/05/2020 17:00

I'm not sure the police are under great stress atm. My DD had to call them due to a (non emergency) neighbour issue and they arrived immediately in numbers and were extremely helpful. I think a chat with a community police officer might be what's needed.

KKSlider · 10/05/2020 17:04

The threads here recently have all been overwhelmingly sympathetic to the child/ren with ASD and their families. But they have also been ovewhelmingly sympathetic, too, to the neighbours having to put up with some shitty conditions

There have been sympathetic comments but there have also been comments likening autistic children to animals, advocating causing deliberate distress in order to prove a point, comments saying that autism is down to a lack of boundaries and control, that the rights of disabled people should not be at expense of the convenience of non-disabled people, that disabled people often look, sound, or act in a scary way.

And that's just in the last few days, I've seen far worse in the ten years that I've been here. You can see where the ableist comments have been made as a thread will have many posts showing as deleted for breaking talk guidelines.

why has my comment been deleted?

You're probably best asking MNHQ seeing as they're the ones that deleted it for breaking their talk guidelines. If you report your post and ask they will tell you why.

acatnamedfox · 10/05/2020 18:36

@KKSlider I think you’re being over dramatic for the sake of an argument.

I think this thread has been supportive and positive (bar a few)

You seem angry, like you’re looking to provoke?

I hope you’re okay Smile x

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 18:37

@acatnamedfox I have very much the same feeling tbh

KKSlider · 10/05/2020 18:39

Very much not looking to provoke and I am not being over dramatic, they are all genuine comments made on a thread this week.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 10/05/2020 18:49

But not on this thread, so there is no need to bring it in, is it.

KKSlider · 10/05/2020 18:49

It was brought up in the context of the thread. Why are you so bent in picking an argument with me? You're very odd.

BovaryX · 10/05/2020 19:05

But not on this thread, so there is no need to bring it in, is it

@OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow

No, it's completely irrelevant. This thread is about a campaign of sustained harassment and its target is a vulnerable old lady. Let's hope that she is given the support she needs. Let's hope the relevant authorities intervene. Because this needs to be stopped. The child's behaviour is appalling. The mother is encouraging and justifying it. It's dreadful.