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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice please on neighbour

167 replies

Sidalee7 · 09/05/2020 22:45

Live in a cul de sac with mostly semi detached houses. We live next door but one to a mum and her daughter who is 6. Since lockdown started the daughter is at the neighbour in between’s house shouting/screaming at the neighbour constantly. Apparently the neighbour told her off for something at the start of lockdown and the child now screams “I hate you” and “you are stupid/a poo/a witch ect ect” ALL THE TIME. It’s making being in our garden a nightmare.
Yesterday I saw the mum outside their garage and the daughter was shouting abuse into the neighbors letter box.
I said (calmly and in a low tone) : please can you stop her doing that, it’s horrible. She screamed at me YOU are horrible (never had a problem with her, would always smile and say hello) My daughter has SPECIAL NEEDS she is autistic it’s not her fault.
I still feel shaking and horrible from the confrontation. I hate the thought that she thinks I’m not understanding of her daughters autism. But surely she can try to stop her daughter rather than letting her and not telling her to stop?

OP posts:

KKSlider · 09/05/2020 23:36

Presumably the neighbour is able to contact help for herself though seeing as she isn't in immediate danger of being harmed? OP doesn't know if the neighbour wants the police or council involved or if she wants to ignore it and hope it stops which is why I said the neighbour should contact them if she wants to.

Original poster

Sidalee7 · 09/05/2020 23:39

Thank you for all your replies, I totally agree with allowances needed to be made - especially as she is out of her routine and probably feeling vulnerable. Reading your replies have made me realise that the mum is the real problem. I have spoken to the neighbour via text tonight and she said she is at her wits end. I might suggest that we both log the incidents and then report.

OP posts:

KKSlider · 09/05/2020 23:40

He daughter is verbal and articulate , and so should be able to understand a firm “Don’t do that, it is not kind”.

I am absolutely not advocating the behaviour of this child but verbal ability in neurodivergent people does not often reflect their cognitive ability. It can be easy to overestimate their level of understanding based on high verbal skills.

This thread is not going to go well. It is one of several recent threads about autism and neighbours and, if the other threads are anything to go by, will descend into a mass of ableist comments and vile statements.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/05/2020 23:40

Humm. Yes. I do see that point, maybe you are right, but as she is elderly and alone, she may just be sitting inside scared to go into her garden , and feeling frightened and upset. Sometimes people find it hard to know what to do, or to stand up for themselves. Do you have her telephone number OP ? Maybe you could call her and ask how she is ?

KKSlider · 09/05/2020 23:43

I have spoken to the neighbour via text tonight and she said she is at her wits end. I might suggest that we both log the incidents and then report.

That would probably be the best course of action, I wouldn't report it unless your neighbour wants you to. It sounds like the mum could probably do with some support and hopefully she will get some as a result.

Icanflyhigh · 09/05/2020 23:43

I would be worried about contacting police on neighbours behalf in case that causes more backlash and the girl and her mother continue the harassment but worse.
Definitely talk to the neighbour about contacting the police herself though if it continues

Itwasntme1 · 09/05/2020 23:44

@Sidalee7 even a call to the community police team on Monday. A chat explaining the situation might really help. They might call and speak to the mother. There may well need to be social service involvement, but a police visit might be enough to scare some sense into the mother.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/05/2020 23:47

I cross posted with you OP, I see you have spoken to her. What a terrible situation. At least she knows that you are looking out for her.

Original poster

Sidalee7 · 09/05/2020 23:47

I was really wary of posting because I don’t want this to be an autism bashing thread or to be seen as one, me and my teenage son were discussing it and saying if it was noise/screaming and it wasn’t directed at anyone/wasn’t abusive you could totally zone it out but because it’s targeting someone and it does sound shocking coming out of such a young child’s mouth it makes me feel I have to defend the old lady. Argh! What a crap situation

OP posts:

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 09/05/2020 23:48

I like the idea of reporting it together. It must be horrible situation and having someone by your side is always helpful.

PamDenick · 09/05/2020 23:48

If you know what school the child goes to, a call to their Safeguarding lead wouldn't be out of the question.
Schools' safeguarding/concern for child well being is far reaching.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 09/05/2020 23:49

I meant for the neighbour having someone by her side

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 09/05/2020 23:49

"If you see someone being bullied, especially vulnerable, you should always help and call help."
I totally agree. The lady is at her wits end and elderly. She should not have to endure this behaviour. The fact that the child is autistic is irrelevant.

LilacTree1 · 09/05/2020 23:51

“ but a police visit might be enough to scare some sense into the mother.”

I’d go for this, the lady might be too nervous to report without back up.

KKSlider · 09/05/2020 23:52

The fact she has autism is relevant though because it implies that there is probably a degree of vulnerability there and potential problems with understanding that what she is doing is wrong.

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 09/05/2020 23:54

You've probably helped your ndn already by acknowledging what she is going through and understanding how hard it is. Definitely logging it is the way forward imo, ignoring things obviously hasn't worked.

Overcomplicated · 09/05/2020 23:55

@Sidalee7 too many people use autism as an excuse. Autistic children can still understand right and wrong but only if they're taught it.

GlomOfNit · 09/05/2020 23:59

Agree it doesn't sound like a typical autistic meltdown behaviour, though perhaps could be obsessive behaviour that the child now finds it hard to get out of, and presumably lacks impulse control?

One of my sons is severely autistic and certainly lacks impulse control. He can't talk much and wouldn't develop an antipathy towards another person like this, so this isn't something he'd do - however, his obsessions and sudden whims are something we do have to control, and often have to, otherwise he'd be putting himself and sometimes other people at risk. (I'm thinking about things like escaping from the garden to run into someone else's house, or run across the street to touch the wheels of a bus.) And of course, we stop him. We do our best to limit his behaviour when it has a detrimental impact on his life or on someone else's. The girl's only 6 and may not be in control of herself but her mum has no bloody excuse!

That poor neighbour - her life must be utter hell. I don't think I'd talk to the police but I'd certainly try finding out what school the girl usually goes to and contact them. They need to know and they should be able to help.

Atalune · 10/05/2020 00:01

Call the police for sure.

Poor neighbour and well done you for stepping up and being supportive.

I would also consider gluing my letterbox down for now and leaving a note with the postie to leave any mail in a box by the door. Lots of people have mail drop offs outside their door where they mail cane left to “decontaminate”.

KKSlider · 10/05/2020 00:02

Autistic children can still understand right and wrong but only if they're taught it.

Some people with autism, not all.

MuthaFunka61 · 10/05/2020 00:03

I used to work in CAMHS and it was a frequent occurrence that we had to help parents what's normal developmental behaviour,what's due to neuro diversity and what was simply a child pushing boundaries.
It sounds in this case that the mum and child need an intervention to help them understand this.

I'd alert any relevant services and tell them of your concerns,this is unlikely to get any better on it's own

G'luck

Supersimkin2 · 10/05/2020 00:03

Yuk. Autism isn't a licence for bullying.

Itwasntme1 · 10/05/2020 00:05

Although will the school really be able to do much to help this lady? The mother is clearly not willing to stop the behaviour, and has no sympathy towards the targeted elderly neighbour.

While there do seem to be some issues with parenting here,It’s not a case of giving a Struggling mother support - the mother is perfectly happy for her daughter to behave in this way. How can the school change that?

Original poster

Sidalee7 · 10/05/2020 00:07

@GlomOfNit that’s interesting and I had wondered was it a lack of impulse control, she is really articulate but that could mask it.

OP posts:

user1471590586 · 10/05/2020 00:07

My son is autistic and has meltdowns, but I would never allow him to do that. Autistic kids need boundaries too. I know how hard it is from experience, but the mum needs to try strategies to stop the behaviour.

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