Advice please on neighbour

[Sidalee7]

Live in a cul de sac with mostly semi detached houses. We live next door but one to a mum and her daughter who is 6. Since lockdown started the daughter is at the neighbour in between’s house shouting/screaming at the neighbour constantly. Apparently the neighbour told her off for something at the start of lockdown and the child now screams “I hate you” and “you are stupid/a poo/a witch ect ect” ALL THE TIME. It’s making being in our garden a nightmare.
Yesterday I saw the mum outside their garage and the daughter was shouting abuse into the neighbors letter box.
I said (calmly and in a low tone) : please can you stop her doing that, it’s horrible. She screamed at me YOU are horrible (never had a problem with her, would always smile and say hello) My daughter has SPECIAL NEEDS she is autistic it’s not her fault.
I still feel shaking and horrible from the confrontation. I hate the thought that she thinks I’m not understanding of her daughters autism. But surely she can try to stop her daughter rather than letting her and not telling her to stop?

School can contact appropriate intervention services to provide her with parenting support although provision is patchy and very much dependent on area and funding. The more direct route would be neighbourhood policing team and/or the council.

I am absolutely not advocating the behaviour of this child but verbal ability in neurodivergent people does not often reflect their cognitive ability. It can be easy to overestimate their level of understanding based on high verbal skills.

That's very true but the dd isn't the problem here, it's her mother who's letting this happen and not even attempting to put a stop to it. I think the autism is irrelevant.

@bluebooby my post about verbal skills was a response to a poster who said that the DD has the verbal skills to tell right from wrong when in reality verbal skills don't also match up with cognitive abilities.

@MuthaFunka61 but surely most parents knew their child shouldn’t bully or abuse other people?

I find it hard to believe this is simply a mother who doesn’t understand autism. I have friends with autistic children. When the behaviour I
Impacts negatively on other to a degree where it is clearly intolerable, the child is removed (usually with copious apologies which are waved away).

this mother just doesn’t seem to care About the distress her child is causing. Not all parents are decent people.

My son is autistic and this would never be allowed to happen.

Yes Autism affects every single person differently but mum should be taking her into the house even if she's still screaming her head off. It doesn't sound like mum cares or knows how to cope with her child.

My children are autistic as am I, meltdowns and vocal ticks, stims are hard to control, this child’s behaviour is not a stim, she is harassing the neighbour and needs to be taught right from wrong, now that’s a challenge in itself but by doing nothing the mother is just reinforcing the negative behaviour and not setting her up with good life skills.
Have you thought about speaking to the neighbour on the receding end?
They may need help and not know how to get it, I can’t imagine how distressing this must be especially during lockdown.

Police OP. She shouldn’t be going onto someone else’s property without a proper reason at the moment anyway, let alone to bully and harass them.

I’m sorry but the people on this thread defending the girls behaviour due to ‘autism’ are making a complete and utter mockery of autism and special needs.

This girl and her mother are bullies.

No one has defended her behaviour, do read the thread before posting.

Op, you and your elderly neighbour must speak to the police. I would first ring child welfare department and ask them what to advise and I would also ring the local public health department to ask them what can be done because this is affecting everybodies health.
Pleas ring the required services. Your poor elderly neighbour 😧

@acatnamedfox

Exactly what you said.

Do you know what it’s like trying to calm an autistic child having a meltdown

I do, as I have three ASD sons, now adult. However, not once, not ever did any of my sons shout abuse through a neighbour's letter box while I stood by and let it continue. Yes, they may well have a meltdown if asked to stop, but that is still preferrable to tormenting an elderly neighbour. And one thing that it took me many years to realise and then recognise, is that children with ASD can be naughty just like any other child without ASD.

The phrase 'She started it' tells you all you need to know here.

I would call the police to report harassment of the elderly neighbour, after asking her if she would like you to.

Do you know what it’s like trying to calm an autistic child having a meltdown

Well this isn't a meltdown and more importantly the Mum isn't doing anything!

If you are reluctant to call the police, is there an organization you can call that assists older people? Maybe they could help sort it out.

Sounds like mum.would benefit from a disability socail worker or family support worker.we have one.

I have a son with ASD. Generally life is better for kids if they grow up to try to have boundaries. Unless they wear a badge as a adult, a stranger on the street wont see the dx, just a rude individual to thump.
You could phone MASH and ask to speak to the disability team.

Because I know shes just a little kid now, but one day she will grow up. As i say i have ASD in my family. Being a arsehole and having SEN isn't mutually exclusive. So she needs help to try to ensure she grows up with what ever boundaries she can achieve.

It's really not ok to say because someone has ASD that they can not learn or developed some kind of empathy, socail skills. Its not a catch all for her mum not stepping in or no one helping the child manage her emotions. That's quite sad. That's why children have therapy and SEN schools. Because things out there can and do help.

The fact she has autism is relevant though because it implies that there is probably a degree of vulnerability there and potential problems with understanding that what she is doing is wrong.

And this is where the mother steps in. Which she isn't.

I wouldn't hesitate to call the police if an elderly neighbour was being abused in this way. The 'look the other way' attitude suggested up post is disgusting.

Sounds like social services need to be involved. That’ll soon stop it

Nothing about autism means your mother must allow you to scream abuse through a neighbour's letterbox. Nothing.

Both your neighbour and the little girl are vulnerable. The mums reaction sounds odd and perhaps she also has special needs. I think the behaviour needs reporting sooner rather than later and both to the police and social services. If the mother thinks the behaviour is acceptable, there needs to be intervention and she needs support.

OP,
The fact that this mother is allowing her daughter to scream abuse through the letterbox of the poor neighbour? That is appalling. There is no excuse for allowing this behaviour. None. Her neighbour is being subjected to what is a hate campaign. And you can hear it from your house. It should be reported. If this is not anti social behaviour, what is?

The mum is a twat. I dont care if your kid has autism or not they shouldn't be allowed to do things like that. using autism as an excuse for poor and quite frankly disgusting behaviou, is despicable. I would inform social services adult and child social service as that is obviously a mother who couldnt give a shit it's quite neglectful allowing her daughter to act like that, and also the poor older lady who is getting harassed and bullied in her own home awful.

^Op, you and your elderly neighbour must speak to the police. I would first ring child welfare department and ask them what to advise and I would also ring the local public health department to ask them what can be done because this is affecting everybodies health.
Pleas ring the required services. Your poor elderly neighbour^😧

I agree. Report her to the police. This is a campaign of sustained bullying and abuse. There is no excuse for her mother who is enabling this to happen. Her child is being taught it's acceptable to scream abuse through a letterbox. It needs to be stopped.

Even though you got abuse for it, did you saying anything make any difference. Sometimes people will snap back, but the. Still make an effort to change their behaviour..

the little girl (and the mother who may also be autistic for all anyone knows) clearly need additional support and careful assistance in learning how to manage their feelings and live in harmony with neighbours and they should certainly get that support. the fact that they need support should not mean than any neighbour has to put up with this awful situation.

I agree that community police would be the first appropriate step but the support and help to get the abuse to stop will probably need to come from social services or CAMHS - the community police involvement will help to trigger getting the case an appropriate priority.