To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

With the life changing inheritance buy a big house in your name only and rent it earning money every month

@dontdisturbmenow yes we started out at equal points, graduated together etc. We wanted children so the discussion re work and the cost of childcare came up and splitting our time equally. Long and short is we worked out it would be better financially for me to stay at home and his focus would be his career. As it happened me being in the background looking after children and the home has seen his salary increase about x 6. He started off earning just over average to now about 6 times the average wage. He was able to pull 6am to 8pm days because he had no worries about leaving to do a child pick up, no days off work when 2 had chicken pox for 3 weeks continuously. There is multiple literature to support this theory of crucial work years when women are off having babies then unable to match their male counterparts. I'm lucky he appreciates what I do and we have no issues with money.

Do you have children? What did you do when you had yours? Do you think it's okay that op is 100% the childcare and left with no money for herself whilst her husband pockets £800 p/m. What about the inheritance? FYI I had an inheritance but as DH sees us as a team and his money as family money I had no issue with my inheritance becoming as such.

This is how women become financially vulnerable.

Say a couple meet in their mid 20s. They're earning similar amounts. They get married, she becomes pregnant. Just before the end of her mat leave, he gets promoted. She goes back to work after ML but she's earning less than he is so it makes sense she takes time off to look after the baby when he's sent home sick from nursery.

She gets pregnant again (nice to have two close together in age) and the older baby now stays home during the mat leave. The husband's career is going really well - his house is clean when he comes home, his clothes are washed and his dinner is made for him. After all, she's not working.

Then he gets put forward to do a training course which will seriously enhance his prospects. It's going to be knackering but he can do it because his wife isn't working. And actually, with 2 preschool kids, there's not much point in her going back to work because childcare costs will be crippling.

Once the kids start school, she has been out of the job market for over 5 years. She's competing against much younger people to get a job at the same level. And she can't commute because the wraparound care the school provides doesn't allow that. Now her earnings are less than half her husband's.

And time and again, it makes financial sense for her to sacrifice her earning potential.

This isn't about you OP but it could be.

But if I were you, I would be very worried. Any man who isn't sharing his income with his family and is salting away for his own retirement doesn't intend to be married for the long term.

Tbh. Hes paying all Bill's so 600 pm is fine to manage on your luxuries. Ask him.weekly for 100 quid for shopping u can clothe kids and go out on 150 a week.

But that £600 pm isn't for "luxuries", it's feeding & clothing 4 people including one in nappies, plus all incidental costs (cleaning materials, household items etc). Having to go cap in hand to your own husband for the money you need to buy necessities puts him in a position of power and a position with the potential for financial abuse.

The problem isn't the actual amounts, it's the whole attitude of "I can spend what I want out of MY money, you need to justify every penny" and the old "what's yours is ours, what's mine is my own".

@Clymene exactly the point I was trying to make. Luckily I have my bases covered so will never need to enter the workplace again but time and time again on here women are up shit creek without a paddle.

I'm the considerably higher earner in my marriage OP. My DH insists on keeping separate accounts, and a joint acc for bills. Neither of us have any debt, both v open about our accs, amounts etc. My savings acc is pretty full as a result as I barely spend money outwith essentials (will be investing it in a holiday home to rent out for both our pensions soon as its doing nothing in the bank as long as I can get a mortgage for it...). I find it weird personally as we've been married 10+yrs now and as far as I'm concerned it's joint pot. Same when we bought the house, I put down all the deposit (his 1st house, my 4th) and he insisted the deeds reflected what % we both owned as 'didn't want me to feel I was ever being screwed over'. I think it's come from him having a DM who has been divorced 4 times and the financial headaches that came with it and seeing her struggle. I'm currently pregnant with our baby no 2, as far as I could ever tell we are both very happy anyway. I also put more into joint acc despite his protests.

I find your DHs attitude very selfish OP, its secretive keeping 'his money' and not being open about 'his' financials at very least. Making you account for purchases etc. and expecting to have no change to his contributions whilst you're on maternity as well? You're supposed to view your partner as just that, not a dependant. Certainly not someone you actively hide things from at very least. Hope you can persuade him to see things from your point of view and stop trying to financially control things like he is currently. Not surprised you are raging at his attitude.

Do you have children? What did you do when you had yours?
I have 2 grown up children. I was a single mum from the time they were 1 and 3. I have always worked ft in a demanding job. No family help at all and my ex only had them for a few hours on Saturdays. I
My salary almost doubled in 10 years.

So sorry but little sympathy with the 'I couldn't possibly work ft because my husband worked long hours'. If it meant financial sense for you to be the one to be at home then clearly you were not on the same footing at that point. It's easy to assume you'd be able to earn the same income from similar degrees. I did a Masters and kept in touch with quite a few on my course. We all earn very different incomes, with a couple on a 6 figures and some on £25k or so. We've all made different choices.

I said tell.him he needs to give u an extra 100 a week for food shopping. U then have 600 a month for luxuries. Whilst tour husband is paying everything. Sorry but your a kept woman. Go bk to work full time and earn 2k a month
I was at uni when I had my 1st and had 6 month of and went bk (nurse) had 2nd 4.5 yr later 6 month of and bk full time. I have a 10 yr old and a 5 yr old and work full time so does my husband. My money is my money and his is his. He gives me money for his half of shopping and his half of Bill's and we are equal. If u wanna be of and he is paying everything other than shopping just ask for 100 a week for food and u have 150 per week for clothes and coffees etc.

Yes I took so long writing my imaginary scenario that I cross posted @overtly!

And actually I downplayed the earning potential considerably because I didn't want to be accused of hyperbole but as you demonstrate - double the earnings is considerably conservative as an estimate.

I would stick the inheritance into an isa or something in your name only.
As it is, you are going to be earning a much smaller pension as you are earning a much smaller amount. I would definitely stash it somewhere. It can still be 'family' money in theory.
Buy some premium bonds in your name you can buy up to 50,000 pounds worth and keep it safe until covid blows over.

Think VERY hard about whether this is a marriage you want to stay in and tell your Dad to keep that money very much in his accounts until you decide.

A life changing amount? Stay fucking angry and make sure that for now that money is not in your name, and a thousand miles away from him being able to claim it in a divorce (because it is by no means certain that he couldn't).

He sounds a nasty fucker.

Oh and yes, 'as you're female, you're entitled to his wage' -err no, most people would correct that to 'as the person staying at home taking on the bulk of the raising of your JOINT children on a low or non-existent wage/pension/career trajectory while he takes that time to build all three in his name', fucking right it's your money too!

I would stick the inheritance into an isa or something in your name only

No, no no.

If you have assets in your name they will be considered in a divorce.

Don't let your parents give you money.

If they want to invest it let them do it in THEIR names right now, if you think there is even a small chance that you will split (and, I think your eyes are being opened, so watch and wait).

I agree with most others: you either share everything or you keep everything separate. He can't have it both ways. I understand (and would recommend) wanting to keep money separate when you are not married, but I wouldn't have married someone without being prepared to share everything with them.

My husband and I have lived by the words we spoke when we got married over 25 years ago: 'All that I have, I share with you'.

That has carried us through a variety of times: the times I earned more than him, the rather longer times he earned more than me, the times when I earned nothing at all because I was at home looking after our children, the times I inherited money, and the times that he inherited money.

He seems very mean. Horrible trait. I dont know op. Just be wary now. Some people get defensive so its hard talk about things. We joint here it flies out some weeks but we have teenagers spending more on food as we all here.

I think his anger and unwillingness to talk is very telling. I suspect it’s because he knows when he speaks he’ll sound like a selfish arsehole but is still indignant that he has to explain it even tho he knows how wrong it sounds. I had really similar with my exH (no kids). We started off both on £15k (about 18 years ago) so just split all bills 50/50. my parents helped us out a little in the beginning by buying us a banger and some white goods etc and paid for our (Fairly cheap) wedding. Then he got a new job on £38k. I was really struggling with money and one day was crying because I had holes in my shoes and he then took out a £400 camera he’d treated himself to. I said I thought we should Pay proportionately and he got really angry saying how unfair it was that he’d waited for ages to have nice stuff and now I wanted to deprive him of it. He started asking other people what they thought, convinced they would all side with him. Not one did. In fact a lot of people were pretty disgusted with his attitude. Especially his mum.

Clymene - your imaginary scenario is very similar to mine. When I met H I was on £38k and he was just starting a new promotion on £45k. I was made redundant and it was the recession (and I was 35) so we decided to start a family. He got a new job on £63k. We had 3 close together and he travelled a lot, often at short notice. Worked weekends. Did a phd while I did all childcare, house hold stuff and organised caring for his father with dementia etc. He is now on over 3 times his salary when we met and I suspect I can only work as a cleaner.

Op I would take a very dim view of your H not wanting to share finances and leaving you with very little. When I had ds1 I told my H that I either went back to work and we shared everything at home or we had joint finances. He chose joint finances after realising how much better off he’d be with that arrangement.

You are being financially abused.
Keep the inheritance out of it tomorrow.
And or get your dad to hold off until you get home sorted.

Everything should be joint.

My DH brings home about 2.5 times more than I do each month but he would never, ever make claims that it was “his money”.

Both our monthly wages go into our joint account and then we each get a set amount of spending money (equal amounts) debited into our personal accounts.

The money (any money) that comes into our household is 100% shared.

Any update op?

How's things today? X

I'd ask DF to hold off giving anything until this has been sorted out properly.

You say life changing? Is it enough to set you up so you both end up with a house each - with a bigger mortgage on his obviously because he'll be bringing in more money.

Sorry no help here really but I’d be on a higher wage than my dp if I worked full time but I do part time so I can look after the kids too. He wasn’t overly happy initially at him paying more than me because I could earn more so I pointed out I don’t and if I did he’d need to give up work as we couldn’t afford childcare.

He pays 65% I pay 35% and it works out ok. He’s better off each month but if I need anything extra for the kids etc he transfers extra over.

It’s not true that all inheritances are split in a divorce I k Oenone such couple get kept it all

Did you speak to him?

Lanurk that sounds awful too I'm afraid. One half of a couple should never be "better off" than the other due to one being part time. If you were literally part time so you could spend more time doing a hobby, for example, then I could see the argument but being around for your dc ( and probably doing household stuff) is beneficial to you both.

We share all money. My husband earns 3/4 times what I do, but only because I fit my work around the children and he is free to do what he wants/needs to when it comes to work. We could both work full time, and would have less money than we do now, and would have to pay childcare! We have a much nicer life this way, and he works hard but comes home to happy children, a clean house and dinner on the table.
I would absolutely not allow myself to be in your situation, and do not have that inheritance put in your name!!!!