To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

The old banger was probably the difference between the price of the BMW and the loan he got.

Sahm is not a sacrifice for all depending on who you're married to

I honestly would consider LTB; he's not involving himself in childcare and there is no benefit to you of his higher wage. In fact, I would argue there is is detriment to your lifestyle. He is expecting you to finance a lifestyle that only he can afford (the mortgage company would have been literally banking on that).

What is the point of him really? What are you getting out of the marriage?

If he can make decisions about his earnings so can you. I would start putting plans in place for a lifestyle that you can afford and see if he prefers that idea.

I agree with you - either both of your income is joint money, or you both get to keep your own.

If you both get to keep your own though, I'm not sure where you end up. At the moment presumably you don't have enough income to cover half the bills? And he wouldn't be willing to work PT to cover half the childcare?

Makes far more sense when you have kids to pool your income and act as a family unit, like you suggested. It really doesn't bode well that your DH reacted so poorly :( I'm sorry OP.

I’ve never understood all this % paying of salaries into accounts, especially in married couples! It seems to me like the sort of things that young couples would do who are testing the water of their relationship by living together for the first time. We just dump all of our money on the joint account and take out an equal amount of spends into our personal accounts. After all, in a court of law it’s all considered family money isn’t it?

I personally don't see the issue with keeping finances separate, but obviously what he's doing is controlling if you are earning next no money on maternity leave.
I've been with DP for nearly 10 years and we have one DC together and we don't have a joint account, we just pay a proportionate amount of bills according to our earnings, making sure we've got a third of our earnings for ourselves for spending, but if there's something big we need to purchase we figure out a fair way of buying it/he often buys it as he's paid more.
I'm not good with money and spend it on silly things whereas he's great with money and I think I feel happier not being accountable for the crap I buy and he feels happier knowing that he has his own account still.
We're supposed to get married this summer which is now postponed, but I think in the event of us being married and then divorced (I hope not!) we'd split everything down the middle, even if it's 'his' savings account. So if I was getting a big inheritance I'd also split that with him. But then my partner has no history of being mean, micromanaging my spending, getting the best of everything for himself and shite for me.
I hope he sees sense and is more fair going forward but I think I'd do what PPs have suggested and tell your dad to hold off on the money for now tbh

Right from the beginning we had a joint account. We put the same amount in each month, what ever was left over would buy a holiday or something for the house. When we got married, we put all of our money together. At the beginning we earned similar salaries, years later I became the bread winner. Now I'm a sahm so my husbands the only one earning money. In a few years I will go back to work again and probably become the bread winner. Sharing the pot of money seems the most sensible thing to do in a partnership.

"He took out two loans for our cars a few years ago (he got a swish BMW for his fancy job, I got an old banger 😵 to cart the kids around in that he won't be seen dead in at work)."

I am a SAHM, Dh bought me a brand new 5 star Encap on the safety scale car because mine was the family car so it was me and the children in it daily. He kept his car until it was 15 years old and became too small to fit the now teenage children in it. His new car is now the family car.

I think this act in particular speaks volumes.

This morning I would tell him that your Dad is putting the early inheritance in trust for the children and watch is reaction to that. He is selfish, he cannot have it both ways.

Then you tell him you keep the inheritance it’s yours

chunkyriver
Agreed. Dh needs a decent car as work is some distance away on the motorway. When we change cars, I will have the family car. I’m happy with mine and have refused to change it. It was the family car until he changed his and he declared he wanted his to be the family car even though mine is slightly bigger - mine is just a couple of years older and as I said it’s my choice to keep it. I don’t drive far. It’s safe and reliable.

Not unreasonable to want to share finances as you suggested.

The inheritance I’d ask your dad to maybe keep it in trust for you. Or just hang on to it. Until you see what dh says and you decide whether to divorce.

Don't let him get his mits on your inheritance!!! I'd be stashing that away and not involving your dh at all. Also yanbu. DH and I put all money into one pot. Whatever is left after outgoings we can spend without scrutiny (unless it's something super expensive in which case we might say "I really need/ want this for £X. That ok?" I don't think either of us has ever objected to a big spend incidentally as it doesn't happen often). I think it's weird for one person to be spending so much more on themselves. It's selfish and you're a family unit.

I've been with DP for nearly 10 years and we have one DC together and we don't have a joint account, we just pay a proportionate amount of bills according to our earnings

That's fine as long as he doesn't expect you to do more childcare than him because you're a women / because you're the lower earner.

As soon as one parent takes on a bigger share of childcare, their ability to earn money decreases, which means they're effectively subsidising the other partner.

Your expenses should be put into a joint account but your salaries shouldn’t IMO

Your DH is "raging" and "totally flipped his lid". I think you need to re-read your original post OP. Rational discussions yes, but this extreme reaction?

And that's quite apart from his attitude to the finances which I find horrifying.

"What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." Ask him if this is how he views family.

@TheBusDriver
Women wanting their cake and eating it yet again.

Hardly. If the father was caring for the kids 50/50, taking half the time off work when needed, finishing early, being unavailable at short notice doing half the shopping, half the housework etc.etc. would he actually be able to hold down his 80K a year job.

Not a chance.

So many people, not only men but mostly men, completely fail to recognise that having kids is a team effort, and the team’s choice is for one person to pick up more if the childcare and housework then the other person has to pick up more of the earning. That’s what being a team means.

Have you spoken to him about it OP?

Paying a % in works well when one partner a spender, and one a saver. DH would spend £100 on a shirt. No way would I do that and wouldn't be happy it coming out of joint funds. After paying the joint account he can spend his remaining money, I can save mine and there's no discussions to be had.

I agree with Billy1966, all of it.

He's not a good man. Not really.

I would be very wary of any man that goes through the joint account with a fine tooth comb, is demanding that the gift of a life changing amount of money was shared equally but is very secretive about his own accounts. OP you need to ask yourself why he wont divulge that information and and insist you are treated as an equal, he seems to think he is the boss as far as finances are concerned.

We have always taken a one pot approach. When he was earning and I wasn't, it was our money equally. When we earned about the same, our money equally. Now I earn three time his wage, our money equally. I'm sure people make other ways work but for me it would be really, really weird.

And for op, with a dh who thinks his money is his money and her money is family money... that is so ridiculous I can't get my head round an apparently competent adult thinking that is ok or that anyone else would think it's ok.

Tbh. Hes paying all Bill's so 600 pm is fine to manage on your luxuries. Ask him.weekly for 100 quid for shopping u can clothe kids and go out on 150 a week.

Unless he's contrite and apologetic this morning he can fuck off.

I wouldn't want to be married to such a mean, selfish person.