To ask to split money this way?

[Wibu123]

DH raging, just walked out the house to cool off because I asked if we can change the way we do finances. I'm floored.

Current situation is difficult to explain but he earns appx 4k. I earn appx 2k but a SAHM until the end of the year so only get the £600 pm mat allowance. With that I do all grocery shopping for our family, buy family clothes, nappies, presents etc. With his 4k he pays the mortgage, bills, savings, private pension and loan repayments. When I return to work I'll earn appx 2k.

When I've been working we've paid money into joint account for mortgage and bills and kept the leftovers seperate. Since I've been off (2 years with children) I've spent out of the joint account and he checks it and often questions me about it, which is so infantalising and means I'm never comfortable spending and feel massive guilt buying any luxury items.

Tonight I said can we put all money into joint account and split what's left after we've paid everything into our separate joint accounts so that a. Our money is split equally and b. He can keep and eye on my spending. He's always said it's our money so I didn't think it would be a problem but he's just totally flipped his lid saying he's not giving me half his salary to put into my own account.

Who has been unreasonable?

Why is seen as a sacrifice to be a SAHM? Some spouses would see the by staying home you would see the children growing up in their younger pre-school years. I for one would have loved to be home for this but needed to work for family financial reasons.

Because it has a hugely damaging effect on earnings @saleorbouy

@saleorbouy I am extremely grateful that I don't have to work and can be here for the children but the fact is due to this time off I will now never be able to earn what DH does. Not even close actually despite being educated to a higher level. That's the sacrifice.

He’s a dick

It’s the whole what’s yours is mine but what’s mine IS mine.

We don't even have a quarter of your income coming in and hubby's wage and my inheritance was 'our' money. I am a SAHM and currently expecting our second.

Personally I would get your dad to hold off on the inheritance and think if you want to be in the relationships anymore. If you having moments, you need to look into what you want to do.

This though is a known effect of rearing children, anyone who has a period of time out of their chosen career will notice this, it's the same for everyone such as someone who looks after sick or elderly relatives. Why a sacrifice, surely it's a pleasure to raise your children when they need you most. The financial side is surely a reasonable trade off?

I find this concerning. So many women are now so determined that it's the right thing to do to be financially independent that they are penalising themselves financially by not sharing finances. I can understand that approach if you are just a couple, bug as soon as you have children, the woman's earning potential drops hugely.

Whether that's because she goes part time or becomes a SAHM, or simply that her employer now views her as a baby making liability who will need time off for sick kids etc. It's a proven fact that women of childbearing age, and women who have children, are viewed less favourably by employers, whereas men who have children are usually seen as more reliable as they are "family men".

It's not feminist to pretend these things aren't true. Fight against it of course but don't think it makes you weak to admit it.

You need to keep yourself safe financially, but that doesn't mean that you have to have access to only your income. Fwiw I'm a married SAHM. All money goes in to joint account. What's left we split equally in to individual savings accounts every month. The house is owned in joint names. DH and I have exactly the same financial situation. Except he knows that if we split, yes he'll already have a job and a headstart there but as we've young kids and I'm the primary carer, he'll be the one finding somewhere to live.

It's not perfect and I'll need to find employment (I'm a shortage subject teacher so not really worried about that) but for now, it's as fair as it can be.

Sale. Being out of the workforce looking after kids effects promotions and wage Long term. The main carer will often end up taking jobs that fit around the kids and childcare available when returning to work also. So more restrictions often resulting in lower paid work.

I think you should have your father put the inheritance to one side for you where you Dh can't access it.
Your Dh is of the Whats yours is mine and whats mine is my own attitude. What an arse.

@sale it's a reasonable trade off for me, one I'm very happy with. But you only have to read a few threads on here to see that it's not a reasonable trade off for many. Lots of women on here have taken time off to raise DC as encouraged by the DH or worst the DP to then find themselves earning peanuts unable to buy themselves a new bra whilst the DH/DP is off on several lads holidays a year.

If you go down the road of telling your DF to hang on to the inheritance it might be useful if he can find an opportunity to “tell” you both about his change in circumstances due to COVID, finds losing value, no longer a good time to cash in his investments etc. etc, blah blah.

*funds

I think once you are married or have children together all income goes into one pot , it’s family money . Much easier .

Leisure time and money should be equal between partners.

I am extremely grateful that I don't have to work and can be here for the children but the fact is due to this time off I will now never be able to earn what DH does
Can you honestly say that you'd definitely be able to say that you'd be on that same salary if you hadn't taken time off work for your kids? Were you earning exactly the same before you did? Did you argue over who would stay at home to look after the kids do the other could go and see their salary increased sharply? Or did you agree from the start it would be you because that's what you wanted?

This concept of sacrifice stated each time a sahm is not happy with the money she gets to spend is nothing more than an excuse to try to justify their discontentment.

In most cases, it was her choice and decision and it made sense because they were not earning as much to start with or not in a role when a significant increase was likely.

Most women I know who had a genuine well paid career job before their kids have returned to it except for those who couldn't wait to give it up to be a sahm.

Can't you just have joint finances and agree a set discretionary amount each per month eg we can each spend £100 on personal stuff without consultation to the other? I always had a joint account and just wasn't an issue but my exh never questioned my spending because he trusted me not to overspend and vice versa (we still actually have a joint account despite waiting for our decree nisi because we are keeping our house in joint names.)

1. I don't really understand why you ended up covering all household food etc from your mat pay until the point you're left with nothing each month; was this what you agreed would happen before you had children? DH and I choose to keep our finances separate, but for this to continue to work when I was on mat leave he used to transfer enough to my personal account to top up my income once it dropped down to SMP.

1. As above, I don't necessarily agree that all money earned is family money. That might work for some people, but it doesn't seem very fair or equitable to me. DH earns 3x my salary so to make things fair in terms of the household bills I've always contributed 25% into the bills account and him 75%. We then each keep whatever's left as our disposable income. If I wanted or needed something I couldn't afford on my own, DH would again be happy to top up my income without question and we have a joint savings account that he pays into whenever he has spare money.

1. He can't have it both ways. If he sees his money as his and your money as yours then the inheritance shouldn't be family money at all. Ask your dad to keep hold of it for now and get some proper legal advice on this before you're in possession of it

Hope he sees sense when he’s slept on it, but bmw v banger I fear he won’t have

Definitely ask your father to put the inheritance in a trust for your children perhaps so it never comes to you and your husband cannot get his hands on any of it perhaps? Your father could take a bit of legal advice on what works best for inheritance tax and to protect the money for the next generation.

On the other thing we only had joint accounts in 20 years of marriage and I ended up earning 10x more than my husband. On the divorce he got more than half as I earned more but certainly during the marriage everything joint worked fine which was pretty much how my parents managed things. Mindy ou I always worked full time - we both did so none of the career sacrifice thing and just 2 weeks (yes week not months!!) when I had the babies.

Ugh what a man

And you agreed with it to start with

This is what happens when people don’t value childcare/housework, the sahp’s contribution is seen as worthless

If he is really stuck in that attitude, go back to work full time ASAP, you both contribute to nursery/nanny/living costs, you both have equal free time to pursue hobbies/studies/me-time

Women wanting their cake and eating it yet again.

Is the father working for himself or is he paying the household Bill's? He has paid for her car and paying it off?

I do not see how you can regain trust because of the inheritance. Whatever he has says next will be tainted by it. There are many ways to share finances, but none for me would involve two married people living separate qualities of lives because of money. Why bother, why not find someone of equal financial status. I would hate to be the rich one who occasionally treats the other to a haircut and equally hate being the poor one trying to work out if I could afford to go on the family outing or will I need to ask for some pocket money or a loan.

It's a marriage and I really think decisions should be shared, nice BMW versus banger, you have to get family clothes and you say food shopping out of £600 per month?! All family bills should come out of a joint account (that includes food/kids clothes) or it's not fair that one of you pays for all of these. It sounds like he gives you housekeeping money like the 1950s and takes £800 for luxuries/savings for himself!

Just for example I make about the same as you and my husband makes £1000-1500 more than me, we both pay same into bills and have the same in 'personal money' £750, with the rest (DH) into mortgage overpayment and joint savings. When I was on maternity everything would still go into joint account and divided the same - I still got my £750 personal money even though by the end I wasn't even putting anything in. That made me feel that my role was still valued and we were a team. He would never think about taking a loan for a better car for himself even though I think he should, and he thinks I should have the better car because I work part time and pick up dc more. I think it's about having the same view of finances that's important and it can be part of showing how much you value each other. It just isn't fair if one person has more of a share (without more outgoings/need) and not being transparent when the other is. If things aren't great between you I would ask DF to hold off on the inheritance for now. Good luck with your chat.

You each pay proportionately into a joint account relative to what you earn. DH earns five times what I do, so he pays in five times as much for all joint expenses. Then the remainder is for us to spend individually as we wish with no interference from the other as all family commitments have already been met. Set up direct debits.
My inheritance is mine. Kept separately, and if DH gets one that will be his.
And think about your pension and the longer term possible implications for you and your DF of him giving you a large sum of money.

I'm a bit confused as to why he needed to take out a loan to buy an old banger of a car when he earns 80k? Seems very odd. What on earth is he doing with the money?