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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
tara66 · 08/05/2020 20:56

The steaks brought the situation clearly home to your and DH's mind. Sister and DP expected you to reimburse them for the steaks without thinking what you are giving them. They seem very entitled and how long will the rent/no rent matter continue if you do not nip it in the bid now?

tara66 · 08/05/2020 20:58

That should be -''nip it in the bud now''!

BreatheAndFocus · 08/05/2020 21:04

In one way you’ve been very kind to your DS, but in another way you clearly haven’t. She’s now so used to the idea that she’s entitled to live for free that it hasn’t even occurred to her to offer rent or discuss her DP moving in. That was incredibly rude of her.

Proof of her entitlement is that she felt perfectly ok passing on her DP’s request for money for the steaks.

Tell her circumstances have changed and that you now need rent. Either she can pay it with her DP or she can move out. If it’s worth £1500, I’d ask for £1200 personally. If her DP were to move out, you could then lower the rent for just her.

BusyMumHere · 08/05/2020 21:10

Why would you be offering your sister and her boyfriend a discount in rent when she didn't offer you a discount for the steaks? She is clearly using you and taking advantage of your and your husband's good nature and benevolence. Unless you want to be taken advantage of, I really don't see why you should bend over backwards for them.

crispysausagerolls · 08/05/2020 21:14

I don’t understand why you need to run it by your parents first

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 21:15

Because I know my mum especially thinks we should be helping her out.

OP posts:
stardance · 08/05/2020 21:20

I'm shocked they haven't offered to start paying rent!

You could ask what their plans are now they live together- will they be moving elsewhere or will they start paying rent to your husband?

sixthtimelucky · 08/05/2020 21:20

What a difficult situation. I don't think your ds is taking the piss, she's just not thinking - not that I'm exonerating her as she should have been thinking! I would be upset at the steaks thing too. I do think it was a wee bit silly of you not to be more upfront about rent once he moved in. Good luck x

crispysausagerolls · 08/05/2020 21:21

You don’t need anyone’s permission. You have helped her out! Massively and for ages! It’s time now to step back. You aren’t her mother you are her sister and you aren’t responsible for her.

theharleyquinn · 08/05/2020 21:21

I think if you genuinely don't need the rent £800 is very fair - that's 400 for each of them. Id not ask for more tho I don't think , mates rates ? Could they rent for less than 1k a month in the area ? I get where you're husbands coming from , and yes the steaks thing would have annoyed me. But I'd start by asking 800 then review it yearly ?

stardance · 08/05/2020 21:21

Sorry I missed the bit about this going on for 8 months

SophieB100 · 08/05/2020 21:23

Take your mum out of the picture OP, it's muddying the waters - doesn't matter what she thinks.
I can sympathise with your husband.

The problem here is that he has brooded over this for a long time, and agreement about a fair rent should have been reached when the partner moved in.
They must realise that they have taken advantage of your kind nature for too long. I think that your sister sounds entitled, egged on by your mum?
And, whether you need the money or not is irrelevant. You mustn't justify why you want rent. I would just email or zoom, saying that you're assessing all your income from properties, and now she in a better financial situation, you are happy for them to continue living for XXXX amount per month. If this doesn't suit, you are happy for them to have another month or two to find elsewhere, whilst you look for tenants to take the place on.

Decent people would have known they should have been paying rent, and would feel bad about this. That's why I wonder whether your sister feels entitled.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 21:55

I wish I could take my mum out the picture!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 08/05/2020 21:58

You are an adult. You don't need mummy's permission.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 21:59

Yes I know - but I also know her views.

OP posts:
66redballons · 08/05/2020 22:01

Ask for rent, resentment with ruin your relationship.

Izzabellasasperella · 08/05/2020 22:01

Send an email tonight with a tenancy agreement attached and rent rates..
If she won't sign you evict them.
Piss taking twats..
She isn't your friend imo.
User maybe

Way too harsh! She's her sister. I think a conversation about it is needed but it can be done nicely and hopefully an agreement reached.

Letsbekindplease · 08/05/2020 22:03

Emz, you sound like a lovely person and sister. I think it will all work out of everyone just takes a breath. Money and family is never a good combo.

SunshineCake · 08/05/2020 22:03

Doesn't matter that you know her views. This is nothing to do with her.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 22:03

I will ask for rent - but not going to ask for a tenancy agreement.

OP posts:
ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 08/05/2020 22:03

I’m concerned I’ve portrayed my sister as p taker and she isn’t

Hmm Er OP she's a blatant piss taker!

CalmdownJanet · 08/05/2020 22:04

Your sister has been living rent free for three years, even at the £1000, you have saved her £36,000 and as you said the house would actually be more so you have saved her £36,000 or sacrificed £46,800 income for her, whichever way you want to look at it if anyone says anything about you should still be helping her out then they are as cheeky as your sister so definitely stand firm.

And it's not about needing it, if you put that income into an account for your kids imagine how that would accumulate? Needing has nothing to do with it.

Itwasntme1 · 08/05/2020 22:05

Agree no tenancy agreement. And if you are giving them a discount t on commercial rent, make sure she is aware of that.

And do leave your mother out of this. No matter how controlling or interfering she is. You are both adults, if your sister goes running to her that is her issue not yours.

CalmdownJanet · 08/05/2020 22:07

You would be a complete fool if you didn't use this as an opportunity to get a tenancy agreement in place, a complete fool

bridgetreilly · 08/05/2020 22:07

Honestly, a tenancy agreement makes all this kind of thing SO much easier. You all know where you stand without all this awkwardness about who is expecting who to talk about rent and so on.

And it does not matter AT ALL what your mother's views are. This is between you (and your DH) and your sister (and her partner). Your mother doesn't get a say.