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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
PoppyAnnie · 08/05/2020 20:12

You and your husband are good people @emz771!

1000/month starting July 1st is more than reasonable. If your sister is such a good person, she should have offered rent when her circumstances changed. She took advantage plain and simple. I know she is your best friend so I hope you can get back on track.

Ohtherewearethen · 08/05/2020 20:13

Did your sister ask/discuss with you about her partner moving in? Or did she just tell you? I'm.quite amazed at their cheek to be honest.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 20:14

She did discuss with us. At that point we presumed rent would be offered.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 08/05/2020 20:16

I would not involve your parents at all, tbh. You are both adults and the agreement is between the two of you. Your mother doesn't need to be part of the negotiations at all. I definitely wouldn't tell her before your sister. That's really out of order.

Doodar · 08/05/2020 20:19

I wonder if her partner will stay around once he knows he has to pay rent? Where was he living before?

TwistyHair · 08/05/2020 20:22

It’s not really about whether you can afford it. It’s just what you have to do in life. Pay rent. I think your DP should have made it clear when he moved in rather than waiting for rent to be offered. It’s better just to be upfront about it so there’s not resentment. Also, why do you need to tell your mum first? Sounds like that’s adding to the drama rather than it just being a normal conversation between adults

ANoiseAnnoys · 08/05/2020 20:24

You and your dh sound lovely OP.

And the pp who said this: What's with all the passive aggressive screaming about steaks? It's nothing to do with it of course it isn’t about the steaks. It’s about the fact the sister and bf have been living rent free to the tune of £1.5k a month and had the audacity to ask for 30 quid for steaks! If ever the term cheeky fuckers needs to be applied it’s here!

I cannot believe your dsis is allowing this to even continue - She should be ashamed. We own property and my own dsis was in financial dire straits a few years back. We offered her a property rent-free and my dm offered money too and she refused. Because she has her dignity and self-respect. She got a loan for the bank, worked hard to find a better paid job and didn’t take a penny from anyone.

Sorry OP, your dsis sounds like a selfish, entitled brat and her DP is a cheeky scrounger who probably can’t believe his luck!

Lynda07 · 08/05/2020 20:25

They should now pay some rent, whether you 'need' it or not is irrelevant. I'd have thought when the guy moving in was discussed would have been a good time to bring it up, bit late for that now but not too late to ask for some rent. You and your husband are good people but nobody should be taking the piss.

Him/her asking for payment for the steaks is dreadful. In his position I'd be glad to treat you.

ECBC · 08/05/2020 20:29

I understand wanting to help your sister out when she was having a hard time but I absolutely cannot believe she hasn’t at the absolute least checked in with you about the rent situation in three years? That’s shocking. You’re not a charity.

And then you mention private school fees. Yes it’s hard to change schools as a teen/pre-teen. Living rent free she should have been able to put together a plan by now to stop relying on your generosity.

HollowTalk · 08/05/2020 20:29

This does show that no good deed goes unpunished.

Are you saying that until 6 months ago the children were in private school? By then she'd been living rent-free for 2.5 years, hadn't she?

It's pretty obvious that "as long as you need it" doesn't mean "forever, if necessary" or "and free for anyone else who's shacking up with you."

You need to get tough, OP.

Mummadeeze · 08/05/2020 20:29

I see things a little differently actually. You have said you are well off and don’t need the rent from your spare house. You offered it to your sister for free for ‘as long as she needs it’. I actually don’t think she has done anything wrong at all. She probably has no idea whatsoever that you are seething behind her back that she is living there rent free because you offered it to her! If you now want rent for whatever reason, then you just need to tell her. And hopefully now her partner lives with her, she will talk to him and they will be able to put a direct debit in place between them. Definitely not worth falling out over, it just sounds like a misunderstanding.

Greenlorry · 08/05/2020 20:31

I can see how you wanted to her your sister. It has back fired on you and now it’s awkward to raise the subject I can totally understand. Has your sister been saving for the last 18 months for a mortgage? She could of had a deposit for a small flat by now.
I would speak with your sister but I wouldn’t mention her new partner as it could end badly I’m sure she will know herself so you won’t need to point that out to her.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/05/2020 20:31

Jesus! What a pisstake! Boyfriend or not, who lives in their sisters house without paying a penny for 18 months?

Itwasntme1 · 08/05/2020 20:31

You have been very generous to you sister. Living rent fee for this time has saved her nearly 30,000. At your expense.

What kind of man happily moves in and lives off a couple he barely knows? Then can’t even pay for some meat. He doesn’t sound like a good person.

Absolutely reasonable to have to talk. Your husband is right to feel resentful and taken advantage of. This arrangement seemed to stop before it totally fractures your relationship with your sister.

PolloDePrimavera · 08/05/2020 20:32

You sound very kind OP, too kind though. She should have known she ought to pay rent when he moved in. And I totally get it re the steaks, it's a point of principle, a token.

Itwasntme1 · 08/05/2020 20:36

My sums were off - just saw she has been in he house for three years. So over £50k.

You are a brilliant sister. But you can’t subside a man your hardly know, and your sister shouldn’t expect it. She should have asked you what you wanted to do when the boyfriend moved in.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 20:37

I was living in an apartment about 5 mins away. We actually have a couple there and even the one beds are £1100 - so he is getting a 3 bedroom house for less. No real cause for complain and I’m sure there won’t be.

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 08/05/2020 20:38

Yes a chat with your Sister is a must, if the new man is acting oblivious about everything..It is very easy for your sister to let things slide,but you need some dosh from the new man., all needs to be sorted out properly.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 08/05/2020 20:38

you have done a lovely thing, helping your ds and her children out when they needed it, but how long are you going to pay for her and her partners housing? you may not need the money but that does not mean that someone has the right to take it, especially when they are on above average income themselves.

You and your husband need to decide on the rent you want and ask them for it

lilyboleyn · 08/05/2020 20:43

Bear in mind it’ll probably come as a big shock to them - they’ve probably spent the next few months’ ‘rent’ in their heads already so may well argue with you.
That said, here’s my tuppence worth: if you genuinely don’t need the money, I wouldn’t ask your sister to pay. But I’d raise with her the fact the boyfriends been living there rent free for eight months, and you feel it’s time for him to contribute. Don’t mention the steaks - they’ll use it to derail the conversation.

Lou197 · 08/05/2020 20:44

You and your husband have been very kind. Your husband is being 100% reasonable - even offering a rent of £1000 is very generous. I hope your sister and partner appreciate it. Good luck

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 20:48

I wish I hadn’t mentioned the steaks! Haha

OP posts:
Spied · 08/05/2020 20:49

I think there's a very good chance this guy thinks he's paying his way and giving your dsis 'rent' to pass on to you. Surely he wouldn't be able to look you in the eye otherwise and you say he's a nice guy.
Your dsis has been through big changes and unfortunately I I think she's keeping this money and in the nicest possible way hoping that you never ask for rent and hoping it is never brought up in front of dp.

lynzpynz · 08/05/2020 20:49

You have been very kind to DS at a difficult time but the fact boyf has moved in and no rent was even offered at this point is extremely rude. You shouldn't have had to raise this. DH has clearly been annoyed about this situation but hasn't felt able to say anything and yes he's overreacted about the steaks but it's the 'straw that broke the camels back' and come from his feelings simmering under the whole situation!

100% agree bring it up, and I'd ask sis what she feels is fair given the rent should be £1500 - if she's being fair you'll know she will offer a reasonable amount. Wouldn't drop it below £1k though regardless but would give them a chance to redeem themselves.

SeriouslySoDoneIn · 08/05/2020 20:52

Yeah, they’re taking the piss. I hope your convo goes well Flowers