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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest Advice please

523 replies

emz771 · 08/05/2020 17:53

I have read MN for years - but never joined. I think sometimes it's good to get some third party advice so please help ladies.

Ok so just over 3 years ago my sister split with her husband. He wasn't very good with money and as such she didn't come out with anything. My husband is in property and said she could live in a property we have. We said (and the wording is important) it's yours rent free for as long as you need it.

Anyway about 18 months ago my sister met a man who is a really nice guy. He is great with her kids, is good company, and we often have a pub lunch with the kids or a dog walk on a Sunday and he treats her and the kids really well.

However about 8 months ago he moved in with my sister and my husband presumed that when he moved in we would get some offer of rent. To put into context he is an engineer for BT and does quite a bit of overtime and we understand he is on about 45k a year. My sister works part time as a secretary and earns about 16k a year. So they are a 60K household with no rent/mortgage.

Now it's been griping at my husband for some time - and yesterday he actually got really annoyed. This is going to sound silly but because he is still working my husband asked him to pick up some steaks from a farm shop he passes and leave on our door step. He did - but then my sister messaged me that night and said the steaks were £32. My husband who is a calm man lost it - and claimed he lives in our property that we could rent for £1500 a month and can't shout us a few steaks.

Now I need to say my sister is my best friend in the entire world - and it's not the money with my husband but the fact he feels this guy is taking the mick. The house would rent for £1500 - but I know my husband would let them have it for £800.

Now is it our fault with the wording "have it as long as you want" even though that was when she was a single parent living on a part time wage.I don't want it to affect my relationship with my husband.

Let me know - am I being a cow?

OP posts:
AlwaysCheddar · 08/05/2020 19:06

They are cf!

Nattyjackie · 08/05/2020 19:07

Its one of these scenarios:

A. your sister told him it was fine and he could live rent free, in which case she is taking the piss of your generosity

or

B. he saw an opportunity to live somewhere rent free and is a moocher.

Given the situation with the steaks I'm going with B.

They need to start paying rent and they should have offered as soon as he moved in. It might be difficult to face but your sister is taking advantage of you too. I'm with your Dh

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:08

I’ve missed off loads of into - my sister has had it rough. Both her kids have had to change schools in the last 6 months as she could no longer afford the fees and make new friends - which isn’t easy to do at 12 and 14.

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 08/05/2020 19:08

She should really have not put you in this position. If I were your husband I would feel the same.

opticaldelusion · 08/05/2020 19:08

What's with all the passive aggressive screaming about steaks? It's nothing to do with it.

Why haven't you told your sister that, now that her financial situation has changed, it's reasonable for her to pay you rent?

Doingtheboxerbeat · 08/05/2020 19:09

I totally blame your sister for this because you can't be sure what she has told her DP, but most people with any decency or common sense would have offered to chip in something ages ago. I would be so resentful if I were you and your DH.

harriethoyle · 08/05/2020 19:10

She was paying school fees whilst depriving you of 1500/m rent?!

Definite CF...

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:11

My husband wasn’t screaming by the way nor was he passive aggressive - he just called him a freeloading P taker! Which is very out of character for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:11

It’s not easy telling your kids to make new friends at that age - I get that.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 08/05/2020 19:11

Be glad your dsis's bf didn't need the steaks for his eyes....
He is a sponger..
Hard time or not they both HAVE JOBS!!

isadoradancing123 · 08/05/2020 19:16

Private school fees, mmmm ,yes would be easily doable if no mortgage or rent to pay.

bridgetreilly · 08/05/2020 19:25

I think you just need to say that her circumstances have changed and so have yours (I mean, everyone's circumstances have changed right now) and you won't be able to let them continue to stay rent free. They can either continue to live there, in which case it's £1000pcm starting in July (with an actual contract) or if they want to look for somewhere else, that's fine too. Be clear and calm and then let her talk to her partner and decide what they want to do.

SunshineCake · 08/05/2020 19:29

Isn't the boyfriend embarrassed to be subsidised by his girlfriends brother ? Does he pay his way with the food and other bills?

Pumpkintopf · 08/05/2020 19:29

I think you just need to say that her circumstances have changed and so have yours (I mean, everyone's circumstances have changed right now) and you won't be able to let them continue to stay rent free. They can either continue to live there, in which case it's £1000pcm starting in July (with an actual contract) or if they want to look for somewhere else, that's fine too. Be clear and calm and then let her talk to her partner and decide what they want to do.

This is excellent advice.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:32

I’m probably worrying about nothing.

I’m concerned our parents will think we are being mean as well. They know we don’t need it - so can’t pull that card.

Like I said I’m sure I’m being silly - and all will be fine.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 08/05/2020 19:53

You said it’s yours rent free for as long as you NEED it. She doesn’t need it as she can afford commercial rent.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:54

I’m going to call my mum tonight so she hears first from me.

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 08/05/2020 19:54

You should also tell your parents calmly and a jokey manner about the steaks and say we didn’t give them the money but then again they are not paying us rent.

tensmum1964 · 08/05/2020 19:55

To be fair, not being able to afford school fees is not having a rough time. 😞

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 08/05/2020 19:56

Had it rough because she can't pay the school fees?

If she split from partner 3 years ago, she should have put them both into state school when they started secondary.
At £1500 a month for 3 years, that's £50k you've subsidised her already - she's had time to adjust, live within her means - and either start paying rent or move.

If she does stay at less than market rent, make sure she knows what comparable rents for similar properties in the area.

It's a long while since I did tax on properties, but I remember an issue that's disadvantagous about letting below market rent for long periods- maybe on CGT? You should get some tax advice at some point.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 19:57

It is from the child’s point of view. If they were younger fair enough - but starting again at 12 and 14 is rough.

Nobody wants to see their kids upset.

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 08/05/2020 20:00

And we didn’t expect the steaks for free and I know it sounds massively immature - I just think it was the final nail in the coffin my husband.

It doesn't sound immature at all and your husband is totally right.

Your sister might not be "a piss taker" but on this one she has absolutely taken "the piss".

God when she is reminded tomorrow what a lovely thing you've done for her, she's going to feel very silly for having asked you for £30!

Your husband is completely right to feel let down by her. Living rent / mortgage free on a combined £60k salary would be life changing for most people in the UK.

She hasn't just done that, she's not made an attempt to offer you some money as time has gone on / ask what arrangement would work for you.

If market rent is £1500 then them paying £1000 is still a great deal and she will be a fool to have an attitude about it.

It will also be very telling to see what her partner says about it too. It's not like they're even being asked to suddenly pay through the nose, they are still going to be getting more for less compared to market rates.

Bluntness100 · 08/05/2020 20:00

I also agree with the others this is wrong, your sister should be ashamed. When they decided to live together they should have found their own place or offered you rent, it’s really unpleasant behaviour from them, I’m not surprised your husband is upset. The steaks really would have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Just tell your sister you need to start charging rent as there are two of them now and the intention was it was hers when she was on her own as yoi wished to support her but don’t feel comfortable with also supporting her partner.

As such, it’s her decision if she stays there but rent will be 1k a month and that is a thirty percent reduction. However you understand if the two of them wish to move out. That if she was on her own, you’d happily forego the rent to support her, but she’s not.

boobmoob · 08/05/2020 20:02

You say you don't need the money, are you well off? If so I'm not sure your sister will take it that well, even though she's in the wrong.

Original poster
emz771 · 08/05/2020 20:03

Well off is relative - but she and my parents know that we don’t need the rent.

OP posts: