To be absolutely fucking done now?

[BasinHaircut]

I’m done. Started getting weary of all this lockdown shit about a week ago but today has broken me.

Feel so guilty about DS, he is an only child and wants me to play in the paddling pool with him. I just can’t. I do not want to. I am not a child. I’m sorry I did not provide you with a sibling, but I just can’t replicate that for you. He would have loved a brother to wrestle with all day long and I do what I can but I’m his mum and an adult with adult things to do. It’s constantly demanding attention. He doesn’t know how to be bored or amuse himself without the TV (which I also feel guilt about)

So he wants to play on the Xbox all day and TBH I want to let him but again I feel so guilty about it. He is in there now playing via FaceTime with his friends. It’s the only interaction he is getting with other kids. It’s such a nice day he should be outside.

DH and I haven’t had sex since the first week of lockdown. I just can’t face it after being in each other’s pockets all day every day.

I am now laying in my bed, totally overwhelmed by the pressure of just existing today. FFS I feel like I could explode.

I get that you don't like playing. Not everybody does, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Could you try some other more grown-up activities together instead? Make smoothies, do some gardening, "paint" the fence (with water), wash the car, etc. It's not kid-centric so won't feel like playing, but at least you're spending time with him in a way that better suits you.

I hear you, 2 year old DD, both should be working fron home (kw jobs that have got busier than ever) I've just taken a month off unpaid sabbatical, worth it for our sanity. Don't know wtf we will do next month. DD has taken to saying "hey mummy" 20 thousand times a day. My heart leaps when its "hey daddy". These are unprecedented times, I'm using YouTube a lot abd trying not to feel too guilty. Although much easier now only 1 of us working. Nursery will resolve a lot of the spoilt behaviour when she returns as far as I'm concerned. Anyone else's kid got so much clingier? Give yourself a break, it won't scar them

What you said @verticalhorizon was there was never a reason for a parent not to play with their child. See 18.32.

How many children do you have and how much involvement have you had in parenting them through this lockdown? Because if the answer is none, or they are teenagers or older kids who will happily be amused by screen time, or if you are still working ft outside the home, or if you have some other set of circumstances that means it's not just you and a / a selection of small children 24/7 for the eighth week in a row, then seriously, who do you think you are to comment on this thread?

And if it turns out you are, in fact, a reincarnation of Mary Poppins, who is somehow managing an amazing job of this utterly bullshit situation, perhaps you could try to understand that it's not a refusal to do things we do not wish to do that prevents some people from getting in the paddling pool with their kids but the need to continue to earn a living, deal with the hugely increased levels of cooking and cleaning up and somehow manage to maintain a shred of ones own mental health which might mean attempting 5 quiet minutes with a cup of tea / a solo walk or something different. Note that I have only included the baseline things on that list - ensure ongoing provision of food, shelter and basic wellbeing. There are lots of other reasons too.

Please don't try to make people feel worse than they already do. It's a shitty way to behave.

How old is your ds OP? I've seen lots of people freezing toys etc in blo ks of ice and the kids have to get them out with tools, that might buy you 15 minutes or so?

@AuditAngel I am so lucky to have 3DC.
I'm sure the OP found your post really, really helpful

Don’t beat yourself up. DC get far too much screen time as I’ve also had enough of playing or even engaging sometimes. As soon as they sense me leaving the room I hear ‘muuuuummm!!!!’ sometimes I pretend not to hear . I’m mentally exhausted.

Also don’t worry about the only child thing, if I had been in lockdown with DB1 when we were kids, only one of us would have ended it alive. We couldn’t stand each other and are NC as adults. Plus my kids only sometimes play together. They miss their friends and Zoom chats aren’t the same.

I try and get up before the kids and tiptoe downstairs before they wake up just so I can sit quietly with a cup of tea (or maybe two if I’m lucky) before the day begins because once it does I’m on non-stop duty as well as doing coursework for my job during any spare time.

However, I’ve recently started meditating for 10 mins a day which is helping me feel less overwhelmed.

Also forgot to add that the current screen time usage won’t harm him. I grew up in the 80s and my parents had a tv in every room. We’d always have the tv on even just for background noise. We’d eat in front of it too. I had hours and hours of tv outside of school and so did my friends. I’m fine, don’t lack social skills, got a degree and a good job. He’ll be fine.

It’s not just young kids either. Teen DD today has nearly broken me with constant chat. She even FaceTimes me from other rooms or the garden. I went for a shower this morning and she talked to me through the door.

I adore her. She’s my universe. But I need the universe to leave me in silence for a while now. And to top it off she’s older so goes to bed when I do. I don’t even get alone evenings.

Some days she FaceTimes her friends aaaallllll day. I love those days

OP I could have written your post almost word for word. Only child, far too much screen time, having to entertain himself whilst DH and I both work full time, struggling with home schooling because we are both working, always wants me over DH, the only thing that will drag him away from the screen is me playing intense and elaborate imaginary games with him that I always get wrong because I’m not a fucking six year old with the same imagination as him.

I cry every day because I’m so stressed and worn down and then I cry harder with guilt as DS doesn’t have the sibling he wants and is so very lonely at the moment.

No advice, but a handhold and you’re not the only one.

A really really long bath is good - with a load of toys - and you ca sit on the loo with your book - my kisd have never been so clean!

OP I know exactly how you feel. DS1 was an only for 10 years and he is an extremely social child who needs a lot of input and enthusiasm. I was exhausted by it. He also favoured me (still does) because I was a single parent for a while and then because even though he has a great relationship with DH, DH is less tolerant of whining and persistence and annoyingness generally whereas I feel guilty so I give into it even when it is making me crazy. I think it permanently damaged our relationship which I am just trying to get back now.

IME, you need DH to be proactive about getting in there and diverting DS's attention from you to either himself, or back onto DS, and not screens. You also need to learn to NOT FEEL GUILTY about having boundaries. Work out what it is you need in order to give him some attention that he needs, which BTW, is not attention all day, and prioritise that. Then when you've given him some attention, let him have some screen time, because that IS a useful way to connect with people outside of the house at the moment, but other than that, it is OK for him to just be bored.

We went from 12+ hours a day of screens (because like you, I was burnt out and I had no energy/ability/drive to tackle it) to "no more than half the day" to "no more than a quarter of the day". We still struggle and he still finds it very hard to occupy himself in that interim time, but it's better, and I've learned a lot about what I need to provide for him and how much I should be expecting him to do for himself and it has helped, a lot.

I'm shooting off to do something, but if you want to talk strategy (and shortcuts, and self care and fucking aaaaaaaargh ness) I can chat probably tomorrow night or in the week.

@newwnamme yesssss!!!!

No kids of my own OP but I did grow up with siblings. I have to say, we only played with each other occasionally (and quite often fell out). Lots of happy memories playing by myself with toys in my room, watching TV on a Sunday morning before anyone else was up etc... The only time I remember 'playing' with my parents was when we'd all play a board game while on holiday or at Christmas. I find it quite strange when I hear about parents having to spend time entertaining their children (although I understand that we are currently in special circumstances).

I'd say do what you have to do and don't feel guilty. Also, this won't last forever.

And I think people don't get it if they aren't in the same position of having one child (over about 3) but having always envisaged yourself with more, particularly if that child is very social. It seems IME that people either have multiple kids, or they are happy with their one/see the positives/have made peace with it. Having only one not out of choice but circumstance is rare and the guilt attached to it is mega as well as the full on ness and not necessarily enjoying the role you find yourself in, as some kind of weird concoction of parent/sibling-substitute/adult/child/playmate/entertainer/cook/etc. And you can't help but obsess over their mental health/milestones/development/behaviour etc because there is only them. And you're exhausted yet the only one they have.

God I found it so, so, so impossibly hard and I wasn't IN LOCKDOWN. So seriously, be kind to yourself, you're not shit, you're just doing a very difficult and unusual thing.

DD is 2 and an only child. Constantly asks me when she can go back to nursery. Cried the other day because she couldn't understand why she wasn't allowed in the park. I was so fucking pissed off with life on Monday that I rang my sister for a rant whilst out walking and basically ignored DD until she asked to go home. Neither of us have left the house since.

DP has guilt bought a slide and a climbing frame for a house with no garden so fuck knows how that's going to work. And I've just come upstairs in a sulk because we've run out of wine.

Thank you for this thread OP. You're doing a marvellous job and we will all get through this by hook or by crook.

😂 @AppearingNormal

Having only one not out of choice but circumstance is rare and the guilt attached to it is mega as well as the full on ness and not necessarily enjoying the role you find yourself in, as some kind of weird concoction of parent/siblingsubstitute/adult/child/playmate/entertainer/cook/etc. And you can't help but obsess over their mental health/milestones/development/behaviour etc because there is only them. And you're exhausted yet the only one they have.

That is an incredibly accurate summary of my life. Wow. That actually makes me feel much less alone with this conundrum, BertieBotts, thank you.

I have admitted defeat this week and as a result I felt almost exhilarated with relief. I have been turning myself into a corkscrew and I’m done with it. I’m not doing any more home schooling, other than reading if he wants to, because it’s just too tough, and I am only doing 2 sessions of timed 20-minute playtime with him per day. The rest of the time he can go on his screens or listen to music or mooch around as I do other stuff and either join in or not.

I’m also doing a course on re-examining your beliefs, especially around parenting and screens, and it’s helping massively. I have genuine breaks from that crushing sense of responsibility and guilt. It’s great and it also improves my relationship with DS.

@jillyhilly that course sounds great can you say what it's called ?

Raising my cup of tea to you all. We will prevail.

It’s a Byron Katie course HRH2020 which looks at any beliefs, I am focussing on parenting and screens. It is making me realise In particular how hostile (and fearful) I am about his screen usage, why that is, how that changes my behaviour towards him, and what that does to our relationship. How so much of the fest is related to projecting negatively into the future. It’s just making me question things more in a good way and as a result I’m more relaxed about the whole thing.

I’ve also come across some really interesting unschooling stuff (I’m not an unschooler but find it very interesting) about trusting your child more around all sorts of things (food, preferences, likes and dislikes, screens). It’s just really helping me. That and vodka .

Sorry don’t want to derail the OP’s thread!

I choose not to participate in the Mothers Guilt Olympics. DD is on her third straight day of playing Animal Crossing on the Switch. She has gone from a tent to a partly furnished house and is feeling very accomplished. As long as her setwork is completed and she lets her face see sunlight for at least ten minutes, she can spend her day however she pleases within the narrow parameters we have.

@BertieBotts I agree with your view completely, except to say I don’t think it’s that rare. Am in that boat - 1 dc and multiple failed IVF since. I’m slowly accepting it’s not going to happen now based on age but lockdown without siblings has made the sadness creep back. However I think lots of people assume I’m ‘one and done’ as I had my first relatively easily and have a career, so they just assume was by choice. When I’ve occasionally opened up about the reality of years of IVF, about 9/10 People tell you to ‘relax and it’ll happen’ or tell some other shit story about their or a friend’s anxious 6 months of ‘infertility’! Sorry a bit off point, more just to say there’s probably more of us out there, so solidarity.

Huge sympathies to all the Mums of younger kids.

It is a really useful life skill for a child to be able to amuse themselves (so that is what I told myself). Your child has scope to be a pro as a grown -up!

If that means they sit there watching TV for 3 hours in lock down, so be it, especially if it makes the parents happy enough to get through this lockdown.

It is okay to explain to a 3 or 4 year old that you need to be busy so they can watch XYZ for 20 minutes. Just remember to check what they are up to every so often and they will get the hang of needing minimal input (don't worry if they can't cope with 5 minutes at first...just keep expanding the time). That said, do chat to them about what they are watching (feign interest, especially if there is some colouring or activities you could download for them).

When it comes to activities you hate, it is absolutely fine to say "I'm sorry, but Mummys don't play this game, but I would love to watch you/ film you". It might take a few days, might involve a few tantrums, but if it helps you get through the next couple of weeks.

Hopefully we'll be allowed out for longer next week. Otherwise you ALL need to walk/run/skip to a family food shop (and leave 2 of you outside) as well as parents taking it in turns to have an hour of peace and quiet.

I doubt that it helps, but DD(12) has few memories of anything that happened to her before she was 8 or 9.

@Standupthisisnotateaparty Oh do fuck off Perfect Peter. This isn't the thread for you.