To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

[catsears1]

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

I think it’s a bit sad for a baby to be basically referred to via another baby who has passed, but as long as the new baby doesn’t have this shoved in their face when aware, up to the parents, I suppose.

I guess is about acknowledging both children in one go, but I agree with you. I wouldn’t like to carry the label rainbow kid but I suppose most people who use it, only do when the kids are very young.

Agree. I think it’s an awful thing to put on a child. A child deserves to exist in their own right and in their own identity and not be referred to in terms of a sibling that died.

I understand people are in pain but to keep referring to your child through a term referring to a death is not fair on the living in my opinion.

Maybe you don’t realise how much her miscarriage affected her? I’m sure it won’t go on the child’s whole life but rainbows, and the metaphor of something beautiful after a hard time, is positive. Maybe find other things to get annoyed about

It's a way of remembering her angel baby as well and for the toddler to know they had a brother/ sister. It's also a way for the world to remember their angel baby as people don't say their name anymore. Rainbows are to do with hope, joy, etc. Nothing wrong with having your identity to do with that.

I probably wouldn't do this myself (assuming I am ever lucky enough to have a baby) but certainly wouldn't judge anyone who does. If my next pregnancy is successful then to the outside world I'll be a woman with a child but in my own mind I'll be a woman with a child and four little ghosts of the ones that didn't make it. I get why people want to acknowledge their previous losses.

Rainbow babies are babies born after stillbirths as well as miscarriage. I have twin rainbow babies. Had two miscarriages before I caught on with twins - they are 14 months. I don't refer to them openly as this but would have no issue with anyone in similar circs calling them this.

My darling darling sister in law had a 35 week stillbirth having had 3 miscarriages prior and then 2 more miscarriages post stillbirth. Her little girl is 7 and we still call her our rainbow. She understands what it means as they talk about her sister - who would have been 2 years older than her regularly.

If it helps how does it harm.

I do wonder what some of these kids will have to say about being Rainbow Babies when they are older.

Also, if she is doing this on social media then maybe it's her way of raising awareness of pregnancy loss in her wider circle. Perhaps she's doing it because when she was going through her miscarriage(s) she didn't know of anyone else who had been through the same thing and felt utterly alone.

Nothing wrong with having your identity to do with that.

If you choose that for yourself, yes. But children shouldn’t have that choice made for them. Do you know a single adult who refers to themselves as “Jack- brother of deceased Michael”?

Hmm they often have “angel” as a middle name which I feel the same way about op.

It would be interesting to know how many of the people being judgemental about this have actually had a miscarriage themselves.

It's dreadful. I've had several miscarriages, pepe, it's completely irrelevant?

I wouldn't want to be called that. Its borderline emotionally abusive in my opinion. You're making them into a memorial of their dead older sibling.

I say that as someone whose older sister was still born.

I lost a child aged 6 months and went on to have another (after a mc) . I consciously choose not to use the term because I want them to have their own identity and not feel in a shadow of their lost sibling. However, I also feel aggrieved if they're referred to as my first baby - especially by people who are fully aware and met my other child. I can understand why some would use the term as a way of reminding people there was another child before.

But children shouldn’t have that choice made for them. Do you know a single adult who refers to themselves as “Jack- brother of deceased Michael”?

It's on SM, the OP says, so it's not really the child's choice at all. If it makes the mother feel better about remembering her child, then why jump all over her?

Agree. I think it’s an awful thing to put on a child. A child deserves to exist in their own right and in their own identity and not be referred to in terms of a sibling that died.

I couldn't agree more. If a woman wants to privately think of their child like that, it's her call. But the living child should never know of that label, and should never be called it by anyone. To be tied to a sibling that died is a terrible thing to inflict on a child. They should be celebrated for themselves, not tied to grief.

I’ve had 3 miscarriages and have 3 dds. I really hate the concept of a rainbow baby. I feel sad I never got to meet those babies but the three I have a not linked to my losses in any way. I have a rose in the garden that reminds me of those babies and also my twin sister who died. That’s my way of dealing with it. I understand others deal with things differently and can’t quite figure out why the term “rainbow baby” grates so much but I irrationally hate it... would never say that out loud though.

My second son was stillborn. I never got a rainbow baby. I completely understand why people do this.

Why is it dreadful? Genuine question.

Every time I go on Facebook I see people who got married three or four months ago posting 12 week scan photos, or people who got married last June or July announcing the arrival of a new baby, or people with two toddlers announcing that they are pregnant with a third and it kills me to know that it was so easy for all those people.

If I saw someone posting about their rainbow baby I would want to double, triple, quadruple "like" it because I have nothing but empathy for people who have been on this long, hard lonely path to have their babies.

so it's not really the child's choice at all.

Exactly.

You're making them into a memorial of their dead older sibling.

Yes, and that. I don't understand how people can't see that that's a terrible burden to put on a child.

I just think it's wrong to judge people for how they deal with their grief. You're entitled to your opinions, but when they're about something as sensitive as this you'd be better off keeping them to yourself.

I had a late MC and had a baby after and I think I'd have sicked in my mouth if anyone had called him a rainbow baby, but I can't bear contrived sentimentalism.