To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

[catsears1]

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

It would be interesting to know how many of the people being judgemental about this have actually had a miscarriage themselves
🙋‍♀️
Me,I've had a few!
Ds 1 has never been seen as a replacement to the children we didnt have before him.

I can sort of see what people are saying. But the term rainbow baby is used ‘because after every storm comes a rainbow’, they are referring to their child being a wonderful thing after a horrible painful, not someone else’s shadow.

Completely agree. I would never see that phrase as living in the deceased siblings shadow or think that the mother needs 'psychological help'. I personally just think it's a nice term to say how special a child is and how much happiness they brought after a dark time, but that's just my opinion when I see the term.

Hmm they often have “angel” as a middle name which I feel the same way about op
This happens? To many babies?
If the phrase is used to others and not around the child what harm is there.
It's not the previous baby who is the "storm" before the rainbow as a pp said, it's the loss of the previous baby.

I really don't think "society would prefer I didn't" is at all the case, Cleverer. Your bracelet sounds lovely though.

That’s really weird. I had a a miscarriage before having my DS. It would never occur to me to call him a rainbow baby, and he has no clue that I was pregnant once before having him. It’s not something that I feel he needs to know.

It’s not morbid, it’s just my own way of affirming what society in general would prefer if I didn’t- I had two babies.

Society doesn’t want you to pretend you only have one child! how odd. This isn’t about people keeping deceased babies secret- it’s about not referring to subsequent children in terms of their deceased sibling. Your bracelet sounds like a perfect way to remember you baby.

Is it a recent term? Dd is in her late teens. I had a mc either side of becoming pregnant with her and hadn't heard of "rainbow babies" at the time. If I had, I may have thought of it as a rainbow pregnancy but certainly wouldn't have called her a rainbow baby. It seems a horrible responsibility to put on a child, labelling them like that.

It's the mum that needs the help to get over her loss

You never get over it. You get used to it.

Btw I reckon if someone is openly referring to their toddler as a rainbow child on Facebook then they’re more than likely saying it IRL too. Probably not directly too the child but within earshot.

It’s not morbid, it’s just my own way of affirming what society in general would prefer if I didn’t- I had two babies.

This. It is really hard to be open about pregnancy loss because it's such a taboo subject and we're not supposed to talk about it.

We are constantly told not to announce our pregnancies before the all important 12 week scan because miscarriage is so common. The implicit message there is that if we have a miscarriage we shouldn't talk about it, like it's some kind of shameful secret. So nobody talks about their losses and failures, with the result that we believe miscarriage is less common than it actually is. And then if you're one of the unlucky ones and your first pregnancy ends in miscarriage (and maybe your second, third and fourth as well), you're not expecting it, and you don't know who to talk to about it because you have the impression that everyone you know with children just sailed through, and the ones without children are childfree by choice.

I would love to see people being more open about pregnancy loss on social media, and if referring to your living child as your rainbow is your way of letting people know retrospectively about the struggles you had, then who is anyone else to judge?

I would hate to think that anyone reading this thread who is pregnant after a loss, or who is trying to get pregnant after a loss, and wanted to refer to their baby as their rainbow, might now feel they can't do that because of all the nasty, judgemental things people have said on here.

You never get over it. I think that hugely depends on when the loss happened. A stillbirth - yes I believe that is something you will never get over. But I miscarried at 10 weeks, and although I was upset at the time, I would say I am totally over it. In fact, it means my DS wouldn’t be who he is, so it doesn’t even make me sad to be honest. It was just one of those things.

I think it is pretty odd to be honest.

Although, despite having had a miscarriage myself and having close friends who have also suffered that loss, I have never heard anyone use the term Rainbow Baby in real life - only on mumsnet.

But I miscarried at 10 weeks, and although I was upset at the time, I would say I am totally over it.

I think I could have totally got over it if it had only happened once, or even twice. But I am yet to have a successful pregnancy, so I'm currently living with this daily terror that it will never happen for us, and that we could be stuck in this miserable limbo of loss after loss after loss until we eventually give up.

Even if I get pregnant this cycle and it works out and I have a healthy baby at the beginning of next year, I don't think I will ever be able to forget this time.

You’re right @itsgoodtobehome. My son was born at 35 weeks so it’s definitely getting used to it, rather than getting over it.

Agree. I think it’s an awful thing to put on a child. A child deserves to exist in their own right and in their own identity and not be referred to in terms of a sibling that died

I agree. I understand why people do it but I think once the child is old enough to talk, you need to refer to them by their actual name, not with reference to their deceased sibling. Its not fair.

Both of my dc are rainbow babies

I have never called them that. They aren’t replacements but their own beings

It would be interesting to know how many of the people being judgemental about this have actually had a miscarriage themselves

I have. My opinion that its not fair still remains.

Not your child, not your business. Let those grieve/remember their losses/refer to their new blessing in the way that helps them.

For many people who have suffered losses either in pregnancy or after a child has been born it is their coping strategy. Please do not dictate how others grieve or show their love for both their living children and those they've lost.

I myself had two successful pregnancies, followed by 8 miscarriages and still born twin girls. My eldest son then went in to die from cancer.

I've had so many people tell me how I should or should not grieve. It is disrespectful and painful.

I never went on to have any further children but had I had another I would have seen that child as a rainbow baby - a child bringing sunshine after the rain. For those bereaved parents I know the rainbow symbol is one of hope, of love, of sunshine after the storm. It is not a memorial to their dead child.

If someone questioned me I would have told them to stick their opinion up their arse.

You have no real idea what goes on behind smiles and tears.

If referring to a child as a rainbow child is distasteful to you then that is your opinion.

Don't judge. Be kind.

@minmooch ❤️

I've never used it for my child, they know that there was one older than them which wasn't born and they wouldn't have been born if that one had been due to the timing but they also know that I'm glad I have them because I love them and know them whereas I didn't know the older one. They wouldn't know that if it wasn't for two older siblings who remembered it happening.

@minmooch💖

I think each to their own.

However, it is possibly worth knowing that referring to 'rainbow babies' and 'rainbow families' has another meaning (ie., same-sex families). Obviously you can sometimes tell by context.

The implicit message there is that if we have a miscarriage we shouldn't talk about it, like it's some kind of shameful secret

I think it's more so you are less likely to have to tell everybody that you aren't pregnant anymore so soon after telling them good news. Because it hurts to say the words.

Oh Jesus @minmooch, how are you still standing? 💐

I have one such child but I don’t like the term and would never use it.

I think it’s relevant to the pregnancy maybe, but once the new baby is born they are a person in their own right, not defined by anyone or anything else.