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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

264 replies

catsears1 · 08/05/2020 16:01

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

OP posts:
mrsBtheparker · 08/05/2020 17:09

Friends of ours had a baby die shortly after birth and they gave their next son his name as a middle name, I always thought that odd but as many have said it was their choice.

nowiknowmynoodles · 08/05/2020 17:11

I do not like it at all. I've had three miscarriages and effectively three rainbow babies and I think it's a ridiculous moniker. That said all my miscarriages were in the first trimester which is completely and utterly different from experiencing a late miscarriage or still birth which is far far more devastating

SuchAFunnyBear · 08/05/2020 17:18

I know a family who call their primary aged children rainbows and often dress them in rainbow themed clothes.

Part of me thinks that the parents need to do whatever they need to live with their grief and if this helps them then there's nothing wrong with it - the children are clearly loved and cared for and seem happy.

But on the other hand it makes me a bit uneasy that they seem to be instilling an identity and sense of specialness into the children based on the fact that they have a deceased older sibling. They say things like, "it's hard for them, not every 6 year old has to tell people their big sister lives in heaven" and they seem to say it with a sense of pride (that's just my interpretation of the way they speak though, I could be wrong). And I think they don't have to tell people anything about their sibling if they don't want to. It's right that they can talk and that the sibling is acknowledged as part of the family but they should know that it's up to them to decide if and when and whom they want to tell, because their feelings matter too.

Mucklowe · 08/05/2020 17:20

Sentimentalist codswallop.

CherryPavlova · 08/05/2020 17:22

Parents can deal with grief how so ever they wish but it’s not really fair to dump your unresolved emotions onto a child. Sets up all sorts of damaging expectations.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 08/05/2020 17:22

They say things like, "it's hard for them, not every 6 year old has to tell people their big sister lives in heaven"

That’s decidedly strange and I think quite attention seeking. And before I get jumped on I am not saying people who mention their deceased children are attention seeking- just the above situation appears so. Of course if it’s in the context of a grief therapy session for the child then it’s perfectly fine. But I doubt that’s the context if such is hearing it.

Beeep · 08/05/2020 17:23

The implicit message there is that if we have a miscarriage we shouldn't talk about it, like it's some kind of shameful secret

Where are you getting this message from though? I don't see it.

I had a miscarriage years and years ago and I never felt like it was a taboo subject. I wouldn't go out my way to mention it but Im comfortable mentioning it if I want to.
Even all that time ago my work colleagues were all very supportive, even the men. People acknowledged the miscarriage and asked how I was. It wasn't awkward.

99% of the time if people are chatting about miscarriages half the people in the conversation will have gone through one too. It's very sad but it's 'normal' in some ways too.

I think it's better to directly acknowledge that you are feeling sad or that you want to talk about a miscarriage or stillbirth rather than obliquely referencing it by calling another child a 'rainbow' child.

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/05/2020 17:24

SuchAFunnyBear
That story is positively chilling. Those kids will end up therapy, not because they had a deceased sibling, but because of their parents tortuous way of dealing with their grief.
Horrible.

Bertucci · 08/05/2020 17:33

It’s peculiar. I have a friend that makes this reference to her youngest before whom she had a miscarriage at 5 weeks. 🙄

SandyY2K · 08/05/2020 17:34

Every child is a child in their own right. I agree with you OP ... why broadcast it and not celebrate the child's birthday as the individual that they are.

peperethecat · 08/05/2020 17:40

I think it's better to directly acknowledge that you are feeling sad or that you want to talk about a miscarriage or stillbirth rather than obliquely referencing it by calling another child a 'rainbow' child.

For what it's worth, I do agree that this is a better way of doing it, but not everyone feels comfortable with that. I would like to see more people being open about pregnancy loss and I think people who do choose to go public about it should be supported, rather than criticised.

I have been quite open about my losses with close friends and some colleagues, but I haven't ever referred to it on my social media. Part of the reason for this is that I haven't yet managed to have a baby and I don't want to be pitied. If I post something on Facebook today about my recurrent miscarriages then maybe people I know who have been through same thing would send me a message and let me know that they understand, and give me some hope or advice. But I also feel that the possible benefits of being open about it at this stage are outweighed by the risk that we might still be a very long way away from having a baby, and in a worst case scenario might never have one. It might sound stupid, but I would rather be thought of by my wider circle of acquaintances as someone who doesn't have kids because she's too busy getting ahead in her career, or enjoying being married and going on nice holidays (when we're not all on lockdown). I don't want to announce to the world that we've been trying for a baby for a year and I've had four miscarriages, and then go for another year or two or three without announcing any good news. I don't want people knowing that every three months or so I have arms like a junkie's because of all the blood tests I've been having to check whether my HCG is rising, and then to track it back down to zero after yet another miscarriage. I don't want people knowing about all the doctor's appointments I've had with different specialists in the hope that one of them will be able to figure out what's wrong with me. I don't want people speculating about how many more miscarriages I've had since I first posted about it, or whether we're doing IVF, or whether we've given up. I also don't want my brother and sister in law, who conceived a perfect baby on their honeymoon last year and welcomed him into the world on what should have been the due date from my second pregnancy, to feel bad about the fact that a month beforehand I had to go to hospital to have the remains of my third pregnancy scraped out of my uterus.

So I'm not brave enough to share anything more widely just yet. Not until I have a healthy baby in my arms, and then, yes, I would like to find an appropriate way of letting people know that it wasn't easy for us. I want any woman scrolling through her Facebook news feed who sees my baby announcement and thinks "oh god, not another one" as she's still bleeding from her loss to know that we went through what she's going through and we got there in the end.

I probably won't do it by referring to my baby as my rainbow (although I might do if I can't think of any other way of doing it that feels right) but I completely get why someone might want to publicly acknowledge their loss in this way, and I think they should be encouraged to do it.

momtoboys · 08/05/2020 17:42

I think I may start calling my 19 year olds my "Rainbow Babies".

Thisismytimetoshine · 08/05/2020 17:44

Sorry, pepe Flowers

MrsFrankDrebin · 08/05/2020 17:51

Is this a new thing? I hadn't heard of it before this thread. I had a miscarriage 23 years ago, and then had a healthy baby a year later, but (while I always remember the day I lost my baby, and I know how old it would be now) I've never thought of my subsequent DC as a 'rainbow' baby, or a baby born after a dark time.

I guess it is a new thing, though, and I'm just very behind the times. My partner's mum had a stillbirth (at full term) the year before he was born, and he's never heard the term either.

Ultimately, no one wants a miscarriage. It's awful, especially when the feotus doens't pass and you have to have a D&C like I did (and the surgeon calls it a 'missed abortion') at 14 weeks. No one told me I'd still 'feel' pregnant for a week or so after the operation either. And no one wants a stillbirth - it's every pregnant woman's nightmare scenario Sad

My thoughts to every woman on this thread who had lost a child that was so desperately wanted. But please don't put the pressure on any subsequent child to 'live up to' the child that was lost - that's not their role to fill. Flowers

NoSauce · 08/05/2020 17:55

Where are you OP? How nice of you to start such a sensitive thread then piss off.

SunbathingDragon · 08/05/2020 18:00

It doesn’t bother me at all and I can understand why people do it. One of my children died neonatally and it always grates on me when people say I lost a child as if I misplaced her in the supermarket, but it’s just terminology; they mean well and the issue with the wording is all with me.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 08/05/2020 18:03

women who have had miscarriages have probably spent enough time blaming themselves and their bodies for not being able to take care of the babies that didn't live. Suggesting that they are damaging their living children by not wanting to forget the ones they lost is really quite nasty.

And it's not really a thread about the wellbeing of those children (after all, what is it possible practically to do about the way others choose to grieve? Report their parents to the Social Services)? It's about judging those parents, and posting snippy comments online about beahviour they deem inappropriate. There isn't a rule book, and too often grieving 'with dignity' equates in people's minds to suffering in silence. It's damaging and cruel. Dignity has many faces.

Yes, there is a taboo about miscarriage, still birth and infant/baby loss. People would rather not discuss it. The result is that many parents are left lonely, isolated and without support in their grief. The comment that 'society would rather pretend' the PP didn't have the other baby are very near to the truth. There's a reason miscarriage is called the silent grief.

I've lost five babies. We have one surviving DC. That DC has never been referred to as a 'rainbow'. But suggesting the use of that term is tantamount to child abuse is obviously patently absurd, and more than that, it's also morally offensive.

I choose to commemorate my 5 lost babies by observing the 'Wave of Light' every October. Different parents find different things helpful as grief is a very individual process. But they should do whatever is helpful to them personally, particularly as 'Society' has already ensured that for the most part ,they're on their own with this.

Sending empathy to all parents who have been bereaved in this way. @minmooch you have been through hell, and I'm so sorry. Flowers

MarylandMayhem · 08/05/2020 18:03

I remember reading a thread on here a few years about Replacement child syndrome, the op and the posters responding had ended up suffering mental healing problems as a result of being the 'rainbow baby'.

It's awful that miscarriages and still births happen but that doesn't make it right that we can't question something that can have a devastating impact on a child's (then adults) life.

BacktoB · 08/05/2020 18:04

I have two living children from 9 pregnancies. I don't refer to my youngest as a rainbow, but I can appreciate why some do.

In answer to the thres question, yabu, why does it make any difference to you what someone refers to their child as? And just because she uses the term on social media doesn't mean that she calls her dc that in real life.

BacktoB · 08/05/2020 18:10

@SuchAFunnyBear

They say things like, "it's hard for them, not every 6 year old has to tell people their big sister lives in heaven" and they seem to say it with a sense of pride

Why are my daughters not allowed to be proud of having a brother just because he isn't here with them? Why can't I be proud of my son? Why the fuck has it got anything to do with you? Both my children and I have had professional support since my son died at birth (they don't know about the many mc) and this is a healthy way to deal with loss. What about it bothers you?

MarieQueenofScots · 08/05/2020 18:11

I think it is up to any woman how she deals with the aftermath of baby loss

I also think it’s bizarre to assume what she posts on FB is how she refers to the kid in person.

BacktoB · 08/05/2020 18:12

Sorry, I re-read you post and I missunderstood you. This is an area that really triggers me, but you didn't deserve that. I'm really sorry.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 08/05/2020 18:15

Why are my daughters not allowed to be proud of having a brother just because he isn't here with them?

such wasn’t saying the children were being proud. She was saying the parents were saying that statement with pride.

FWIW I’m not understanding what is to be “proud” of for simply having a sibling. Proud of achievements of your sibling, yes, but you don’t be proud just because you have a sibling!

catsears1 · 08/05/2020 18:15

People should definitely talk about pregnancy loss more openly, it's something that happens to many women but rarely talked about. I just think it's unfair to give another child an identity they didn't ask for. Surely there are other ways to raise awareness than labelling your other children? That's all Thanks

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 08/05/2020 18:17

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