To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

[catsears1]

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

However yes I suppose people can show their feelings however they like - I'm afraid I do think it's vulgar though. Sorry

Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I find it unutterably sad that she can only see her child through the lens of a baby she miscarried. That child will need psychological help if she continues this throughout its life. It's the mum that needs the help to get over her loss, not the child that should bear that buurden.

I just think it's wrong to judge people for how they deal with their grief

It's not wrong to judge them if they are damaging their child in doing so.

I can sort of see what people are saying. But the term rainbow baby is used ‘because after every storm comes a rainbow’, they are referring to their child being a wonderful thing after a horrible painful, not someone else’s shadow.

However I choose not to use the rainbow term myself, partly because I just don’t see the need, but also because I don’t like the idea of my beautiful daughter (who was stillborn) being the ‘storm’ in the metaphor. It’s a very personal choice for people, and if it’s just a term or hashtag on social media I can’t see the harm.

It is only your opinion that they are damaging their child.

And frankly, women who have had miscarriages have probably spent enough time blaming themselves and their bodies for not being able to take care of the babies that didn't live. Suggesting that they are damaging their living children by not wanting to forget the ones they lost is really quite nasty.

It is only your opinion that they are damaging their child.

It's an opinion based on a 40 year career working professionally with children and studying psychology and child development

I just think it's wrong to judge people for how they deal with their grief.

No, you’re allowed to question it when their outward expressions of grief are impacting others negatively. If someone started a shrine in their living room to a deceased child and wanted all the family to pray to the shrine every day it would be a concern as to how that was impacting the rest of the family. This is similar. Referring to their subsequent child as a rainbow child is like them having a living shrine to their deceased baby. It’s not healthy for the child.

I don't like it. But if people do that's up to them.

I wouldn't do it myself. I would feel it odd and unfair on the child (if they were old enough to understand) I think calling a child a rainbow child might make a child feel guilty. The adult might be saying that the 'rainbow child' is special and a wonderful gift etc but the child might be hearing it differently E.G. that they are a replacement. If it was me I wouldn't want to take the risk.

No-one is suggesting that a woman should forget a child she miscarried or lost. But it's her burden and shouldn't be the living child's. That way lies a life of unreasonable guilt for that child, for being the one who lived when their sibling didn't.

How on earth is what the mother posts on Facebook going to affect her three year old child who can't read or use social media? FFS.

I don't understand why it's an issue when it's not your child. Might be mums way of dealing with the emotional trauma of a miscarriage, no matter how long ago it happened. Everyone deals differently. The way I see it, she must feel incredibly grateful for the healthy child that she has with her today, but still wants to have a positive memory of the child she sadly lost. She shouldn't be judged for that. Try be kind with your opinions and thoughts 😊

I think the idea of a rainbow baby is more relevant during the pregnancy and when the child is first born. Obviously after a loss there is such a lot of fear and uncertainty over it potentially happening again, that the moment when you hold your healthy baby in your arms is very like a rainbow breaking through clouds. However if it becomes something that follows the baby through the childhood, then yes I can see that becoming an unhealthy dynamic. I've seen what happens when the lost child overshadows the living, and it's awful.

Miscarriages need to be acknowledged. Stillborn babies are just as important as living children and their names should never be forgotten. But all children are entitled to their own place on earth or in heaven and shouldn't be defined by another

Suggesting that they are damaging their living children by not wanting to forget the ones they lost is really quite nasty.

Wanting to remember their deceased child is healthy. Using their subsequent children to do that isn’t. There are ways to remember deceased children that don’t involve tying your subsequent children to their death.

People who don't refer to their subsequent children as Rainbow Babies are not trying to forget the ones they lost, pepe
Your post is insensitive at best.

I find it really morbid. I have a friend who does it constantly. I guess I just don't understand the loss but I don't like it.

So they're only allowed to remember their deceased children in ways that you deem acceptable and tasteful?

Got it.

People who don't refer to their subsequent children as Rainbow Babies are not trying to forget the ones they lost, pepe

At no point did I say that.

I've had four miscarriages and I probably won't ever use the term myself because it's not really my style. But I absolutely wouldn't judge anyone else who did, because I've walked in her shoes.

I agree it's a strange the child is being labelled as a constant reminder of its lost sibling. Would I get worked up about it though? No. Sure the child will tell her themselves if she keeps it up when they get bigger and until then if it helps her deal with the loss then leave her to it.

DS is a 'rainbow baby' of sorts.

Though these days he's more of a little turd than a rainbow... (clearly joking!)

I agree, the term becomes outdated once the baby is older than a couple of months old at which point they are 'baby'.

How on earth is what the mother posts on Facebook going to affect her three year old child who can't read or use social media? FFS
Are you one of these people who posts their every fart on social media without the understanding that it's there forever?

Are you one of these people who posts their every fart on social media without the understanding that it's there forever?

No. HTH.

I was given an unusual charm bracelet a few years ago that you remove/add charms to as you see fit. It’s only if you’re up close to it that it looks any different to a plain silver bracelet. One of the charms is an etched ‘Mum of two’ design, I have one living child and one that didn’t make it. It’s not morbid, it’s just my own way of affirming what society in general would prefer if I didn’t- I had two babies.

Do you understand that the three year old won't always be three and will one day learn to read? #doubtthishelps

I’m not a fan of that term full stop.