To think referring to your toddler as a rainbow baby is strange?

[catsears1]

I have a Facebook friend who constantly calls her child her Rainbow Baby. Every time she posts a picture of him, she said 'my rainbow baby' 'my little rainbow' etc etc. The child is a around 2-3.

I get it, having a MC is devastating and having a baby after that will feel extra special. Maybe the term rainbow baby is appropriate during pregnancy but I find calling a toddler a rainbow baby a bit ... strange. I would hate it if that was my identity - I would want to be known as an individual IYSWIM.

Op - you have had women on here who have lost a child/pregnancy who either may use the term rainbow child or understand why others do. Yet you choose not to acknowledge their responses and try and understand their reasons. you just want to knock this woman you know and belittle others who have their own reasons.

I'm glad you are no friend of mine.

*Only someone who has never experienced miscarriage or stillbirth would have this opinion

Actually we look at them and think how bloody lucky we are*

Well said. I tried to find the words to reply to that statement but was stunned by her insensitivity and naivity.

when discussing why DS age 3 could read, the Dr said because he’s a rainbow baby
Sorry, what does this mean?

I lost my daughter 6 months ago. She was stillborn at fullterm. I'm now pregnant again with what we hope will be our rainbow baby.

If we are lucky enough to bring this baby home, they will of course have their own identity and be their own person but I see nothing wrong in referring to them as my rainbow or as my daughter's little brother/sister. I see it as a way of ensuring my daughter is always remembered and actively part of our family. My worst fear is that she is forgotten or never talked apart and linking her to this baby in that way gives me comfort. If it's not hurting others what is the problem? I'm certainly not going to stop using that term because some people don't like it.

Never called ds8 it but we have spoken about mummy’s miscarriages before him. He has always been aware how desperately he was wanted

I feel for these poor children that will grow up with their mothers that cant see them for who they are and not who they are not

Well those mothers won’t be the ones the OP is talking about because that’s not how a mothers mindset works after her earlier baby/babies have died.

It seems like a very heavy title to put on a baby/child. They shouldn't have to try and live up to the memory of the lost baby. To me it sounds like even though they were very much wanted, that the family is fixated on the ones who came before.
Knowing there were others is one thing, but labeling the child with it is sad to me.
My best friend had twins, and ony one survived, the other was still born. I was torn, I did talk to her when she came home with the baby that I was torn, do I celebrate him even though we felt so sad about his brother. She said she'd rather celebrate his birth and coming home. She was sent some cards by others the sorry for your loss cards. She put them away in the drawer and put up the congratulation cards. She said she didn't want to take from the happiness of having him home safely.
He knows he's twin, his birth certificate shows he was born second. He knows the family would have been extatic to have both of them. But they don't.

It’s hard to judge anyone who is grieving a loss.

Personally, our children know they have an older brother who died during pregnancy but it’s not something we reference constantly - we mark his birthday and we’ve explained to them that we feel extra lucky to have them, but equally we really don’t want them to carry the pressure or being ‘special’ so we’ve always tried to hold that in mind.

It’s hard. It’s a hard balance to strike. But I think we all need to have empathy for those trying to navigate it.

It’s hard to judge anyone who is grieving a loss

Apparently not, given some of the vitriol on this thread.

I'd somehow managed to never hear this term before.
On first hit it seems entirely bizarre to keep going on about it when the parent should be concentrating on their born child.
On longer thought, I can't construct any way in which it is useful or positive for anyone. It even feels like a kick in the teeth to those of us who TTC but didn't ever bear a child to term - a continuous "I did better than you did!".

People are weird. (I've come to terms with it, and I'm fine)

Wow so much judgement and hatred to people who have lost a child.

Thank your lucky stars if you are in position not to “get it”.

Hatred? Are you 12?

My Mum had 11 pregnancies which resulted in 2 children. I’m v glad nothing was put on me and we were seen as individuals and not reminded at all times of her losses.

I think this is very personal. I have a rainbow, she's a rainbow to me, and me alone. I choose not to share that with others, but I know others who feel the opposite. I personally feel a bit uncomfortable if anyone refers for my DD as "angel" because to me, I have a angel, the child that died.

I think if "rainbow" helps mum, or the family then it's fine. I'm sure mum will talk it all through with the child as they get old enough and if they don't like the reference they won't use it, I have spoken to my daughter about her sibling.

My dc has no idea of what we went through to get him, but absolutely his arrival helped to heal some of the pain I went through with recurrent miscarriage. I don't suppose I will tell him - maybe when he is thinking of children himself, if he does. I still often can't believe he is here.
Agree with pp.

My Rainbows are 7 and 9 now. I don't openly refer to them as a "rainbow" but to me the term refers to their relationship with me, not their older sister who died. They taught me to live again, to see the world in beautiful colours. They are far from living in the shadow of their sister's death.

There's no hatred or vitriol on this thread @I HateCoronavirus and @raviolidreaming. But there is concern for the psychological wellbeing of the living child and the adult it will grow up to be.

I can understand it, I guess, for people that have had full term losses and child bereavements, but after early miscarriages seems a bit strange. Surely that would mean that a vast quantity of people are "rainbow babies" given how common an occurrence they are.

There may not be hatred or vitriol but there’s very much an air of grief superiority.

Max normal, fortunately you do not need to understand it

@BanginChoons that's a great way to look at it. And the important thing is that you understand what it means to you, but in not referring to them in that way openly, you allow them to fully be themselves, and regarded as so by others.

I can understand it, I guess, for people that have had full term losses and child bereavements, but after early miscarriages seems a bit strange. Surely that would mean that a vast quantity of people are "rainbow babies" given how common an occurrence they are.

Thankfully for the 99% of you, recurrent early losses are not common.

I can assure you there is no psychological damage done to my child because he was born after the loss of his sister. He is the happiest, well cared for child.

He knows he has a sister who died before him because we sometimes visit her grave.

However, her older siblings, the ones that saw her die, they are the ones you need to feel sorry for. They are the ones who have been through counselling and trauma.

If we wanted to celebrate the happiness of his birth with the symbol of a rainbow, after all the trauma we went through as a family who the hell are any of you to judge?

But there is concern for the psychological wellbeing of the living child and the adult it will grow up to be

You simply don't have enough information for such concern.

But there is concern for the psychological wellbeing of the living child and the adult it will grow up to be

Yeah, it's definitely coming across as genuine concern for the child and not at all as judgemental sneering at the way in which some people choose to grieve their loss.