Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

Obviously it's not unreasonable to feel a feeling but I agree with PPs that it is really not about the proposal. I also don't understand the ring situation - it sounds like he responded to a hint you gave? It all sounds like a lot of emphasis on one tiny tiny part of the big picture. Perhaps have a think through why this is bothering you and accept it does bother you.

And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that.

I agree with PP. Your DF must have thought you liked the ring. Is it because it's similar to another person's, or because it's smaller?

I don’t understand why if he’s going to be your husband and you’re going to share your life with him, why you can’t tell him you don’t like the ring and can you choose one together?
Say it nicely of course. But I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to have a ring you’re not happy with?

I didn't mean to hint - I was actually just being polite to someone when they showed me their ring! I guess it's quite funny really.

It doesn't fit? Perfect! :o

Choosing a different ring shouldn't be a big deal.

Sorry, crosspost with the OP.

Yeah the proposal was shit. Early pregnancy, had an arguement a few days earlier, he proposed in the bedroom. Not exactly exciting. And the ring is white gold where I've always dreamed of a yellow gold one .
Fortunately, the marriage has been pretty good - almost 10 years now.
Congratulations btw.

Maybe I've heard too many hyped up proposal stories.

Very possibly. Try not to judge yourself by others, you'll be happier in the long run .

That carries over into the wedding too. Plan what is right for you as a couple, not what you think your friends/acquaintances will enjoy/be impressed by.

Good luck, and congratulations on your engagement!

Don’t live with a ring you’re not happy with. You’ve got to look at it for a very long time.
I don’t understand why any woman would let a bloke choose a ring without her.

I just wanted a private, romantic moment that had had some thought put into it.

I really feel for guys - it’s not enough that they do the proposing, they also need to think about a romantic, thoughtful, meaningful way, place, style etc. Have you considered that quietly at home might have helped him feel less pressure, less nervous about asking you. The problem with a “romantic, thoughtful” proposal is the potential for things to go wrong, or be misunderstood or simply not liked.

I’m not sure how you get much more meaningful than someone wanting to live out their life with you.

I didn't mean to hint - I was actually just being polite to someone when they showed me their ring! I guess it's quite funny really.

Tell him that.

Maybe you could ask him that since it's too small how would he feel if you tried some other styles. You can tell him you always dreamed of a different style. Tricky though as so many places closed so don't know what the return policy is like. If you're tactful should be ok. Maybe you could even say you feel uncomfortable with such an expensive ring because swapping platinum for gold would be cheaper, you might appeal to the side of him that didn't want to spend so much.

Me and my DH picked out my ring together, it was really nice to do that.

You do sound ungrateful. Does being in the middle of a pandemic that’s killing thousands not put anything in to perspective for you?

You either want to marry this man or you don’t? As honestly the proposal means fuck all......it’s the next 60 years together day in day out, sticking together in the rough times that are going to count

Just want to say good luck. It's a huge thing getting engaged, I've been married 9 years and I think it's only down the line that you know you definitely made the right choice, doubts and nerves are perfectly normal if that's normal for you! I always over think and have to see every angle.

I wouldn’t be hung up on the actual proposal. Fairytale proposals are naff (in my opinion) as everybody’s romantic insight is different.

HOWEVER, if you don’t like the ring you should speak up. Your marriage will rely on honesty. You could tell your fiancé that you love the ring but you’d have preferred the romantic gesture of choosing one together. Ask if it’s possible you could still do that? Plus, being a modern woman with an investment in the relationship, you want to contribute to this symbol of your love. Tell him you love him enough to double it’s size 😂 (or maybe say something more subtle!).

Personally, past caring about gifts, symbols, etc but I do love my 1990s engagement ring because it was representative of the era we got engaged.

Hubby hasn’t a clue about the gifts that match anniversaries and I’d hate him to be a slave to the script anyway. But my engagement ring is important because we made that first big purchase together.

I am so excited to marry him
So why does it have to come with fanfare? The ring is odd, though. Why did he choose it for you?

I'm divorced, but I still wear my engagement and wedding rings, because i love both of them; I'm not a jewellery person. The only other thing I possess is a silver chain that my then 14 year old daughter bought me when on holiday.

I know it sounds shallow but I kind of understand how you must be feeling. The ring is important to you and you want to show it off, nothing wrong with that. Can you mention to him that you’re over the moon he proposed but not 100% in love with the ring. Most jewellers would allow it to be exchanged.

I was worried I’d be disappointed. That’s why it didn’t happen that way. Glad it didn’t. I would have been. I’m a bit weird like that. Also, prefer big decisions to be jointly reached, not sprung on me.

I didn’t have a proposal. We just sort of agreed it. Been together over 20 years since.
If you’re focusing on the proposal as being a big thing, you possibly want to have a think about what marriage actually is, because it’s not about the fancy wedding, the dress or the cake. It’s about long term commitment.

He's not the one. If he was you'd not care. I'm old enough to have seen many marriages succeed and many fail, and the ones where the knit picking starts this early don't stay the distance.

"And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that"

I'm sorry you didn't get the ring or proposal you'd hoped for op. It does sound like he did try to get you something he thought you'd genuinely like though, judging from the above.

I don't think my friend liked her engagement ring much because she started wearing a completely different one about half way through the engagement so she got hers swapped. I know it's not really the most romantic thing ever but do you think you could swap yours for a one you'd prefer?

Congratulations on the engagement all the same

Is maybe part of the fact you’d dreamed about it and built it into something in your head that was unrealistic?

I honestly never fantasised about my proposal. And yes we ring shopped together, so my choice, but thr proposal I saw as private between us, there were no rules,no dreams no fantasy,

Potentially you’d built it up which has likely caused your disappointment

It's a bit odd that he picked a ring that won't even fit on your little finger?!
I suppose that shows a lack of thought or planning? I'd be a bit with a tiny baby size ring. However, that can be altered (or changed for something of similar value?)

The thing is if he's not particularly "showy" with emotions and doesn't go in for romantic gestures then that is what it is. You're setting yourself up for disappointment every Valentine's day if you expect him to suddenly act like Hugh Grant in a romcom if that's not his personality. It would feel a bit forced?

I agree with pps everything does seem to have to be a Big Thing nowadays; proposals, announcing a pregnancy, gender reveals..It's all a bit competitive, particularly on social media and all so bloody expensive. There seems to be a lot of pressure to keep up with that.