Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Original poster

Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

506 replies

fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 21:24

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

OP posts:

Babdoc · 07/05/2020 21:43

I loved my DH to bits til the day he died. But he never proposed, we were never engaged, and I never owned or wore any rings. We simply got married by agreement, with just a registrar and 2 witnesses.
OP, the proposal and ring are utterly unimportant details in a marriage. It’s the love you share, and the strength of relationship that matter. Don’t get hung up on trivialities, or let resentment cloud your happiness.

Peapod29 · 07/05/2020 21:43

I do sympathise with the ring op. I pretty much told dh what I wanted, as every time he chooses me jewellery it’s really not to my taste. He really does try but he’s totally clueless. The actual proposal was probably just unfortunate timing with the situation. I think it’s quite sweet to do it at home. How ‘not to your taste’ is the ring?

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/05/2020 21:44

And the ring is not very me - I commented on how lovely someone else's ring is and it's basically a smaller version of that.

So he paid attention to you commenting on someone else’s ring and clearly thought you meant it when you said it was lovely - I’d the problem that it’s smaller than the other persons ring?

Tbh I got engaged 30 years ago, the proposal was lovely because it came from someone who did, and still does, love me with every fibre of his being. The ring matters because he gave it to me as a symbol of our promise to marry each other. I might have chosen something different but my ring is precious because of what it represents. And our most lovely moments together aren’t the hallmark moments, they’re the everyday, blink and you’d miss it stuff.

Life isn’t about Insta-worthy milestones, yes I can imagine you’d want to celebrate with friends and family and it may be a while before that can happen but let yourself be excited about your marriage and the man who wants to marry you.

Sparklingbrook · 07/05/2020 21:44

Do people expect to wear engagement rings for life?

I wear mine most days with my wedding band and have been married 20+ years. My eternity ring comes out on special occasions.

LunchBoxPolice · 07/05/2020 21:45

You’re right, you do sound ungrateful.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 07/05/2020 21:46

it's something that you have to wear for the rest of your life

Really? Can't remember the last time I wore mine - been married for over twenty years and jewellery tastes evolve.

The down on one knee and the speech and so on - it's all a bit superficial. Are you sure you're not more in love with the romantic idea of being married than you are with him? Because tbh, if he's The One, the rest of it shouldn't matter.

Peapod29 · 07/05/2020 21:46

@Jellycatspyjamas That’s so lovely.

Mucklowe · 07/05/2020 21:46

Why do you need "fanfare"? You're not an excitable 8-year-old.

SonnyRobes · 07/05/2020 21:47

Also, to all the "ungrateful" comments. Proposing isn't something you should be "grateful" for. Your partner is not doing you a favour by loving you.

sixthtimelucky · 07/05/2020 21:47

I'm really trying not to be unkind here, but you really are focussing on the the wrong things. Marriage is a serious business, mate! Even good, solid, happy 25-year-marriages like mine. It's HARD. Shit happens, shit you can't foresee or prevent or begin to know how to navigate. My dh's proposal was properly rubbish (don't want to out myself, but think most pedestrian moment ever) but we've lasted because we were, overall, right for each other. Not love's young dream, not a Disney fairytale but right for each other. Ps I got my dream ring on our 20th anniversary, his was shit!

Curiosity101 · 07/05/2020 21:47

I was proposed to at home with just the two of us. But that was exactly right for me.

Also, I don't remember even seeing the ring at the time. Just having eyes full of tears when I saw my DH down on one knee holding up a ring.

I only actually looked at the ring later in the day once I'd calmed down. He offered to let me exchange it if I'd like to. I said I loved it but I would also love to pick my own 'Because how often does a girl get to go diamond shopping'. At the end of the day if he'd not have given me the option to change it then I still wouldn't give two hoots. Also, he proposed whilst he was a PhD student. I'd imagine his income is 7-8 times what it was (so is mine) and yet I'd never consider changing my ring. This is my ring and it's a symbol of our commitment to each other.

I agree with a PP - it could be that you had really strong ideas of what a proposal and your ring would be? But if you care more about the proposal than the fact you're getting married then he may unfortunately not be 'the one'.

Sparklingbrook · 07/05/2020 21:48

Really? Can't remember the last time I wore mine - been married for over twenty years and jewellery tastes evolve

Maybe you need a new one?

I love mine still, I chose it.

Eggybreadleg · 07/05/2020 21:49

It's completely fine to feel underwhelmed by his effort or lack thereof. Seeing as there wasn't exactly a lot of fanfare I think you should tell him you'd rather a different ring.

ginsparkles · 07/05/2020 21:49

I work in a jewellers, we often speak to men about what happens if she doesn't like the ring. Speak to him gently, I'm sure your ring can be exchange or altered in a way to make it more what you would like. We would often reset the diamond from the ring you have into a different setting so that you have the diamond he chose and proposed with. It's ok to feel deflated, and to not like the ring, he tried, it's a tough gig choosing the right ring. Have a chat with him, I'm sure he would rather you had something you loved. Good luck.

limeandlemonade · 07/05/2020 21:49

Have you considered that home might have been the special for him? If he didn't do it on 3 holidays...
He got a ring of something similar that you said was lovely, he actually put the effort into making it right even though it wasn't.

GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou · 07/05/2020 21:50

You know you can talk to him about changing the ring if you really don't like it.

I know some people would be horrified at the thought but he's your fiancé, you love each other and should be honest about this stuff.

It might be nice and romantic to go ring shopping together once everything reopens.

Ughmaybenot · 07/05/2020 21:51

I think, and I mean this gently, YABU.
He’s listened to you saying you liked that other ring and taken that on board, assuming you meant it, and obviously thinks you’ll like the ring he’s chosen. At the end of the day, in my mind, that ring should always be special, as it’s the one he chose for you. If you feel really strongly, then raise it to him re swapping but I think it would be a shame to.
As for the ‘fanfare’, asking someone to marry you is fanfare enough imo, sure all the performance of a fancy proposal makes for lovely photos for insta and stories for bragging, but the core of it is that he loves you so much he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Try to focus on that.
Regarding lockdown, I see how it would be disappointing but there’s nothing to be done about that. Try not to let it affect this lovely exciting time of your lives too much x

Sushiroller · 07/05/2020 21:51

I wont give you a hard time but believe me if you love him in 2 years you really won't care about any of it.
It fades into the background and You'll just love him and your life.

My proposal was not what i expected, although we were alone (which both of us wanted/discussed ahead of time) it wasn't what I envisaged but its our story and X many months on I think of it fondly.

Our upcoming wedding day is also "covid impacted" so not what was originally planned but ultimately its one day, i am sure it'll be nice and we will have fun.

Ultimately I just want to be married to him.

Re the ring
loads of people upgrade their rings when they are earning more. A lot of people I know alsp just wear their wedding band once married there are some really nice ones out there...

merryhouse · 07/05/2020 21:51

Of all the couples I knew that got engaged and married a quarter of a century ago, only a few are still together.

N proposed to J while she was driving so he didn't have to look directly at her.

P said to C "do you want to go shopping tomorrow?" and she didn't quite realise what he meant so answered "yeah, ok" (in his defence, LOADS of people had been getting engaged)

R said to me "when we're out in town tomorrow, do you want to look for a ring as well?" and my response was "could do"

It's really not important.

Original poster

fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 21:51

@Mucklowe I didn't say I needed a fanfare.

I just wanted a private, romantic moment that had had some thought put into it.

I wanted a gold solitaire and mine is a platinum 5 stone ring. It's pretty and I can live with it. I also couldn't even get it on - even on my pinky finger as it was too small.

Maybe I've heard too many hyped up proposal stories.

He's the most amazing man. I have no doubts that he is my person.

I will stop being ungrateful and get back in my box!

OP posts:

springydaff · 07/05/2020 21:51

I think you need to have a conversation. You're going to be having a lot of conversations in the years to come so good to start now.

Tell him you wanted a big shebang proposal and the ring isn't your thing. Tough conversation, no doubt about it, but it'll be the first tough conversations of many.

Lashings of praise and love and kindness of course. I hope it brings you closer.

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/05/2020 21:52

Thanks @Peapod29 it doesn’t feel at all like 30 years, but it is and while we have our moments he’s absolutely right for me.

Eggybreadleg · 07/05/2020 21:53

Mumsnet hates romance. What matters and maybe why you feel hurt is the proposal wasn't at all reflective of you and what would have made you happy. He did take on board what he thought you'd like for ring but that was about it. It's ok to want to be seen and to feel loved. Soooo many women settle for men who well just go through the motions. If you wanted to proposed to at Disney wearing Cinderella's ball gown it's fine.

Ughmaybenot · 07/05/2020 21:53

If you have to return it to have it resizes anyway, that possibly makes the fact you’d rather have a different style easier to broach with him, if you decide to go that way.

DollyDaph10 · 07/05/2020 21:54

DH and I decided we would be getting married and actually booked the venue before he ‘officially proposed’ because the engagement just wasn’t a big deal for us, getting married was. We got married 3 months later so skipped through the engaged part and straight on to the wedding. My ring is not one I would have chosen but I love it because DH chose it. Try to work out what exactly is bothering you. If it’s the comparisons to others I’d nip it in the bud. Honestly nobody really takes an interest in what your ring looks like or how you got engaged once you’re married.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.