Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

[fungalinthejungle]

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

Fair enough fungal as others have said, it should be ok to be honest about the ring (tactfully) and change it together? Only you know how he might take that. Perhaps he would feel really hurt or he might not be bothered and would prefer you to be truthful and happy with how it looks.

The proposal? Honestly stop obsessing about it. If your friends want a proposal video with tears of joy and emotion tell them there isn't one It was a private moment.

I would tell him the ring is not your style. You understand that he thought it was something you would like, based on your comment on another woman’s ring, but you would actually prefer something else.
I think he would want you to have something you love .
DH proposed in a fairly random way, and I was a bit upset not to have a romantic proposal somewhere lovely, so I do understand. He hadn’t bought a ring though, as I have very particular ideas about what I like, we went to look together, and didn’t find anything !

@Luckybe40 thank you - admitting you care about the ring or the moment seems to equate to not being committed to him.

He's not self serving at all - he's the most amazing, kind man and that makes me feel so loved. I think he thought it would be more romantic than it was...! I might try and change the ring though - keep the style he chose but change it to gold so it's a compromise.

Proposal videos? What a load of exhibitionist crap.Seriously all this going down on one knee to fulfil some fairytale dream Is just outdated and sexist.

Be honest OP,if he’d bought you the kind of ring you’d wanted would you still be disappointed that he hadn’t given you some kind of exhibition proposal? Because if the answer is yes then that says a lot.

I got engaged via a drunk answer phone message. Very unromantic. It was me that proposed! I was inpatient. I didn't expect him to say yes. We are still happily married 14 years later though. That is all that matters. I have asked him to propose to me on our 25th. If we make it that far!

@AlternativePerspective I didn't want an exhibition or a video. Just a bit of thought and romance.

The bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage

I didn’t think people actually proposed anymore. I thought people just agreed it might be practical or nice to get married. I called DH when he was at work and asked if he thought I should book the registry office at some point It was in my to do list and I had some spare time.

My proposal wasn't a big romantic one, just a mumbled 'will you marry me' over a pub meal. We chose the ring together the next day. We walked out of the shop with it still in the box and back to the car, on the way we had to go over a small bridge so I stopped in the middle and got my magic moment when he actually put the ring on my finger.

My proposal was as uneventful as they come. Sitting on a rented sofa we were talking about goodness knows what and he just looks over and says: you will marry be won't you? So unexpected (we'd only dated a few weeks) and I thought I mustn't have heard correctly. No ring.
Turned out we had a trip to Paris planned for a few weeks later and he had planned to ask me then, but for some reason jumped the gun. I really wish he had waited! But that didn't change my feelings for him or our eventual life together. It's just one niggle in a lifetime of niggles.

I blame Hollywood and romantic literature. It all conspires to make reality disappointing. I expect lockdown has magnified your feelings. Perhaps it meant more to him to propose at this time rather than wait until you can go out somewhere special to you both and propose? Maybe he just couldn't wait any longer?

I wear my engagement ring all the time. Even though I'm divorced I love it, chose it, and paid for it so to me it has no connection to my exH at all.

Congratulations on your engagement

There’s too much pressure on poor men. My DH wasn’t proposing and I thought he would want to so I asked if he had thought about getting married. He said he wanted to but he was crippled with worry over the proposal - all our friends it had been boats in Central Park, flown to a 5* hotel, treasure hunt around Europe ending with the ring — so crazy over the top stuff. I told him I didn’t care about any of that I loved him and wanted to marry him.

He proposed by total surprise 3 days later in our sitting room. The proposal fear was all that was holding him back. He did get down on one knee. To be honest I don’t remember what he said as it was a blur but I love remembering it when in our sitting room and have a photo of us taken a few days later up in a frame.

Cut the guy some slack and enjoy being engaged and that he wants to marry you. Why don’t you buy some Prosecco and light some candles have a picnic of something in your sitting room and take a pic of you both with you holding up your hand. Make it special for you both and turn the negativity of it in your head around. Congratulations!!!

I’m guessing then that he’s not generally romantic? In which case the reality is that he’ll never make you happy because you want different things.

How long have you been together? Given you’re apart in lockdown I’m guessing not long as you don’t live together atm? Having said that me and my DP got engaged five years ago and we did it by mutual discussion. But we still don’t live together (logistics).

To the PP who saw a picture put up on the screen at.a public event,I’ve ears of these and IMO they’re incredibly cringe,and if a man proposed to me like that I would say no and dump him as it would be clear that we definitely wanted different things.

It's literally just a question. If you are feeling disappointed it's about the person you are going to marry not the way he asked you. I think you should seriously think before getting married.

Tell him you don’t like the ring. I have a ring than is pretty enough but not something I would have picked. It’s everything I didn’t want - 3 stone and sits really high. I don’t look at it and love it, don’t even particularly like it. It’s a long time wearing something you don’t like.

I didn’t think people actually proposed anymore. I thought people just agreed it might be practical or nice to get married.

Oh come on, that's just faux naivety, of course you didn't think "no-one actually proposed anymore". Your way is not the only way!

I agree with others about the marriage bit being the most important thing. The proposal; I remember it but it was low key (though he did get down on one knee!)

But the the most important thing (so far) in our marriage is how he’s supported me as I struggled a bit with some things since our son was born. How he’s understood and listened to me when I have found things hard. How we have both apologised and forgiven eachother when we row after something trivial. Just a couple of examples. There will be other tough times ahead.

The proposal just really isn’t important. It really, really isn’t, as long as he loves you and demonstrates that. He listened to what you said about another person’s ring and thought you meant it and tried his best.

Life isn’t Insta-moments.

My MIL told my OH that she would write him out of her will and that her older son would never have left her like he intended too, when he told her he was going shopping to buy me an engagement ring. He hadn't even asked me by that point. He came to see me all upset and then told me what had happened. I didn't get any of the 'occasion' of it.

We talked about it and I said he should make his own decision about it. He apparently went shopping the following day and asked me a few days later. His mother said it wasn't personal. It bloody felt like it!

That was 30 years ago. We celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary this year. It will be a private celebration - ours and ours alone!

Celebrate your love for each other and your future. As long as you want to be together, that's the important outcome.

I dont get the massive proposal thing. Ours was nice but low key. I guess perhaps if he knew you wanted something big then it shows he hasn't thought about your feelings which isn't very good when you want to marry him. I would be annoyed if someone chose my engagement ring for me though! I love jewelry and going and choosing a ring together is one of my best memories from the day we got engaged

@WingingIt101 *My dh proposed in our living room and honestly it wasn’t the fireworks and beachfront walks that I’d dreamt up as a romantic scenario but honestly it’s the best thing ever because now my home is the scene of one of the best things to ever happen to me.

It sounds silly but I’ll be doing the ironing and look over toward the window and know that’s the spot we promised to be together forever and that’s so special - it’s not a random beach on a holiday that we might never go back to!*

I love this! It’s how I feel. Obviously you think about the big romantic proposal and think that’s what you want but it worked out so well on the end that it was in our sitting room and if you’d asked me about the type of proposal I wanted I wouldn’t have said at home!

*I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited

Then you should have planned an amazing proposal and proposed to your partner.*

Just what I was going to say. It's 2020 - do women actually fantasise about dream proposals? Fortunately it's not something I ever did which is just as well because DH and I had a conversation like a couple of adults and decided that we'd get married at some point. No engagement ring - I didn't want one - no bended knee just two people agreeing to make a commitment together. Twenty years later I have no regrets at all.

I'd be upset if my DP didn't get down on one knee to propose. Also, I think it's absolutely fine to ask to swap the ring - you have to wear it forever and should love it.

I proposed to my husband in a drunk answer machine message.
Still married though 14 yes later. I do wish I had let him do it. I was too impatient however!

Oh dear. You come across as a precocious diva. There is a lot more to marriage than this!

Charmatt there is a certain romantic charm in the way your OH ignored his mother's protests and was prepared to sacrifice his inheritance/family relations because he wanted to marry you? your MIL sounds bloody awful though, poor you

Romance takes many forms OP.. It doesn't have to be all big gestures and perfect magical moments. In fact it rarely is.

I've heard of worse...
My dh on my 23rd birthday said "I suppose we'd better get married now, we've been together 5 years" I never got an engagement ring.
My best friend had her engagement ring thrown across the room at her during an argument about getting married (they were going to Paris for her 25th and everyone kept saying he was going to propose, his "no I'm not"s became VERY believable so she asked him why they'd bought a house and were planning a future if he wasn't going to propose)
I'm sure some of the romantic proposals I've heard from others are slightly manufactured.

If the ring isn't really you, could you say you like it but it's not something you can see yourself wearing everyday?