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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed in my ring and proposal.

506 replies

fungalinthejungle · 07/05/2020 21:24

Has anyone ever felt this way? I got engaged just before lockdown.

It was at home, just the two of us. No fanfare. And the ring is not exactly what I'd dreamed of. He then had a jam packed week at work so I barely saw him and then we went into lockdown.

So we haven't been able to see any family and friends but that's just one of those things.

I sound so ungrateful but I'd always dreamed of an amazing proposal moment and feeling excited and not disappointed when I saw the ring.

Ultimately I know that it doesn't really matter because we are getting married and I hate myself for feeling this way.

Has anyone else ever felt the same?!

OP posts:
Fimofriend · 08/05/2020 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PseudoCream02 · 08/05/2020 22:11

@Thisismytimetoshine slightly tongue in cheek, lockdown has taken its toll... 🧐😅

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 08/05/2020 22:19

@Fimofriend did you even read the post? The ring was not too small, too big if anything.

Thank goodness you're not my future mother in law - for my sake! Poor girl.

OP posts:
onionface · 08/05/2020 22:19

Imagine if all relationship decisions were down to proposals made by men, and came with jewellery.

Woman wants a baby? Sorry, she has to wait until the man proposes to have a child involving an elaborate ritual involving an elbow, a sonnet, and a ruby necklace that costs 3.7 times his monthly wage.

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 08/05/2020 22:22

@Fimofriend oh, and women that have opinions and preferences and voice them are giving women a bad name?

I hope you haven't passed that view onto your son.

OP posts:
CallmeBadJanet · 08/05/2020 22:40

It sounds like you were expecting a fantasy proposal or something off Instagram. Relationships, marriage, parenthood, life, are all amazing. But also hard work. Really hard work. Think about taking some time before you get married, otherwise you may not find the positive in all the things I mentioned.

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 08/05/2020 22:42

@CallmeBadJanet I haven't just met the man or just been born. I do know how life works and that relationships take effort and have ups and downs and take effort.

OP posts:
CallmeBadJanet · 08/05/2020 22:49

@fungalinthejungle If you are that self aware, why are you so disappointed? And why post the question on Mumsnet in the first place? If he's the right guy, the ring and the proposal wouldn't matter. Either he's not the right guy for you or Fimofriend is right.

firstimemamma · 08/05/2020 22:55

It's ok and valid to feel a bit deflated with your proposal/ ring op. I get it.

I've been following this thread and honestly it's been such a shock to me how you've been basically branded as a materialistic, high maintenance, social media obsessed bridezilla-to-be. It's so rude and presumptuous. It's also very narrow-minded to judge someone like that. I had a special proposal but I am in no way anything like what the majority of posters on this thread think I 'must' be like. I find all the stereotyping and name-calling sad and honestly op I hope everything works out for you and you get a ring that you like.

Congratulations on getting engaged.Thanks

M2B19 · 08/05/2020 23:54

@ginsparkles I think it’s a lovely way of keeping the ring that you’ve been given but making it your own too ☺️

shamelesschocaholic · 09/05/2020 00:10

I would let it go if I were you. Mine was really crap, so crap it’s funny. We had this thing where if one of us refused to do something like grab the other a drink, we’d say I’m not marrying you any more. We one day I said it and he just said let’s do it. I had no engagement ring (was 20 with no money) and we’d only known each other 3 months. Got married in under 12 months and still together 21 years later. I bought a super expensive ring years later though lol

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 09/05/2020 00:36

Tell him. You have to wear it forever and if he’s “your person” then he will understand.
Unless you will grow to like it and it turns out he knows you better than you know yourself? X

TehBewilderness · 09/05/2020 00:38

All things considered this could be an important bit of info for you to be aware of in the future, fungalinthejungle.
I learned the hard way never to admire anything out of politeness in front of my mum if I did not want something similar showing up at the next gift giving holiday. Bless her heart.

Lifeasweknow · 09/05/2020 01:21

I genuinely can't believe the stick you're getting and how a lot of people cannot RTFT and start assuming you're disappointed because you wanted something more flashy. God forbid anyone have an opinion on something and find something not to their liking/taste. If you don't like something, it has absolutely no bearing on how much you love someone or your level of maturity. What utterly bizarre logic.

KatherineJaneway · 09/05/2020 06:40

Dh proposed by passing me a ring box and saying " you better put that on then" no on one knee,no soppyness.

If you were happy with that, then fine. If my dp had done that to me, I'd tell him to shove the ring where the sun didn't shine.

GreenTeaMug · 09/05/2020 07:10

I want a photo too! i love ring photos.

Frankola · 09/05/2020 07:11

Do you understand that marriage is not at all about the proposal?

I had a gorgeous proposal from my DH but in all honesty,it doesnt rank right up there in my favourite memories, things like the birth of.my daughter and saying my wedding vows do.

You sound incredibly ungrateful. You also sound like you wanted a social media moment rather than an actual proposal of marriage to your soulmate.

Tubs11 · 09/05/2020 07:43

Wouldn't worry about the proposal OP. As long as you're excited about marrying him and have a wonderful marriage full of love and memories then the proposal will play second fiddle. Congratulations on your engagement Flowers

Minxmumma · 09/05/2020 08:17

I can understand why you feel disappointed but also did you consider if he is given to elaborate romantic gestures.

My dh isn't, never has been. He proposed when our daughter was 6 months old, sat in the garden, nothing gushing and no ring (ever). And I'm ok with that, it's who he is. Occasionally he does silly romantic things but always when not expected. He leaves for work at silly o'clock every day and has left rose petals round the house and a gift once or twice.

If it upsets you to much you'll have to talk to him and make sure your wedding day meets your dreams.

Original poster
fungalinthejungle · 09/05/2020 08:17

@Frankola well then how do you know how you'd have felt if it wasn't a 'gorgeous' proposal? You actually can't say for sure.

I didn't want a social media moment, I wanted a nice private moment between us and for him to have put some thought into it.

I don't care about social media and I know how a relationship and life works.

I won't repeat this again, if people can't be bothered to read the thread properly then why take the time to comment.

OP posts:
MotherMaeeye · 09/05/2020 08:27

You can be disappointed all these people making out like you ungrateful. When you wait for a significant moment in life a one off for many you have an ideology of what you would love to happen you also know what type of ring you like.

It's not about money or being ungrateful after all you didn't beg him to propose (did you).

I think after the dreaded lockdown you may can have an engagement party and embrace the moment. I would also tell him how you feel after all he is going to be your husband and there will be many more difficult conversations in years to come.

Other than that congratulations and order some bridal magazine ♥️

AmeliaE · 09/05/2020 08:40

Hi OP, what you are feeling is normal, don't worry.
I said to my then DP that we didn't need a proposal to get married but he wanted one (so it could be a special moment in our lives). I waited and waited. When I realised it wasn't to happen in the next few months and that would mean putting off having children a bit more I spoke to him.
Turns out he had planned a thoughtful and loving proposal on Christmas Day.
Anyway, I didn't have the surprise he wanted and we both missed than special moment.
It is ok to feel a bit disappointed although you will soon forget about it like we did.

About the ring, I know many ladies that have changed the ring their partners chose, you are not alone.
I got my DH a watch as an engagement present and we both chose it together. If he is going to wear it for the years to come, it'd better be something that suits his style.

Smileyk · 09/05/2020 08:50

My proposal was on his knee next to the bed and my response was "urgh that's not my ring!". Lol In my defense we had chosen the ring and instead of mine, there was a big emerald surrounded in diamonds in the box. He hadn't checked it was right when it arrived so that was the first time we both saw it! We had a bad case of the giggles and neither of us remember the repeat with the right ring! Lol Then it didnt go with a wedding band so I took it off for the wedding - then got married with it! :)

Mayhemmumma · 09/05/2020 08:52

Upgrade the ring!
I did...mine was a sweet token ring and I'm sure people would expect me to wear it forever, but it wouldn't have lasted long! Anyway I got a ring I loved just before the wedding (not expensive) and wore it happily for 10 years until it broke...

3 years on keep meaning to buy myself a replacement

mynameisbiggles · 09/05/2020 08:57

Surely part of the excitement of any engagement is choosing the ring together? You seem to have been lumbered with his choice, not yours which could mean your intended is either a control-freak or a selfish mummy's-boy. Think hard before your commit.

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