To not want to move to Wales?

[dgarcia85]

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

[ultrababy]

I am welsh and still live in wales and I can't imagine living anywhere else. I say don't do it. You will never progress your career as fast as you can in London. Your DP will never progress his career as fast as you can in London. That is a fact. Cardiff is a vibrant, diverse and wonderful City. It isn't London. Think about everything you love about London and divide it by 5. That is what love is like in Cardiff. Is that what you want? A slower pace yet still being able to live a city life? Them go for it. I'm welsh and never heard of Abercarn so either that speaks volumes of my ignorance or the fact that it is an ubiquitous, small underwhelming village. Which is the same sort of place I live in but I love it and made a decision to have that lifestyle. We are lucky enough to have places in Cardiff and Pembrokeshire so can experience everything when we want. It's a big decision and not one I would take before having a child and then finding you made the biggest mistake ever.

[dgarcia85]

I'm just wondering how long it will be before he suggests living with his parents and him giving up work completely so he can get his degree/promising job "much sooner" ...

I would never agree to this. It’s important to me that we both contribute to the household finances.

[PubsClubsMinistryOfSound]

Bristol is great but is also quite expensive. Cardiff is the most obvious compromise, so him not even being willing to consider that is pretty unreasonable.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Can you compare knife crime between Wales and London? Which do you think has the higher death rate from knife crime?

Having lived in many places, I've never experienced the low level, drunk, shitty, bored, fights-on-a-Friday-night attitude that you get in smaller places in South London. And the level of multiculturalism in South London is not comparable to other places. I mean the carnivals, mela, it's just not the same as having docks and Shirley Bassey. And even if people are nice and friendly, you are different where you're different. I get asked about my accent all the time. Feeling different all the time is exhausting.

I wouldn't move to a village for a million pounds and I've lived in cities all over the world. You either like it or you don't. That's no reflection on the ignorance or racism of the average Welsh villager. It is a reflection on some people being city people and some being village people. Unfortunately OP's OH appears to be one and her the other. It may honestly be insurmountable.

[ultrababy]

Well I'm guessing it's because Wales isn't one homogenous mass. Cardiff is city living. Abercarn is not there isn't Wales and then London and nothing in between.

[TeensArghhhh]

I'm welsh and never heard of Abercarn so either that speaks volumes of my ignorance or the fact that it is an ubiquitous, small underwhelming village

Abercarn is north of Caerphilly. About 10 miles from Newport and about 10 miles from Cardiff. It is very underwhelming... There are far more diverse, enriching, welcoming places to live - not too far away 😉

[monkeycats]

dgarcia - A friend if mine had a great job in the city which she loved and was earning about 80K when she was 36. Unfortunately her husband left her due to an affair. She went online and met someone quite quickly. He lived in Herefordshire on the Welsh borders - actually in the house he had grown up in all his life. He is a self-employed plumber. Anyway, she gave it all up for him and moved there because she felt it was her last chance to have kids. Anyway, she does have two children now, but she’s found it hideous tbh. She’s felt like a fish out of water and if she hadn’t had the children to occupy her she says she would have gone insane. She has become default carer for his elderly parents. She also has his deadbeat brother’s kids every weekend because he’s divorced and too useless to cope with them when it’s his weekend. The H doesn’t help her at all. She’s dependent on his income which is low. When he’s not working, he does things like go to tractor shows . The house is like a junk yard because he buys old junk cars and says he’ll do them up and sell them, but never finishes everything, She finds it incredibly claustrophobic and is on AD’s to cope with the mind numbing boredom of this village (well it isn’t even a village). They are always flooded and she reckons the rain is double. He so t let her get a part-time job because he won’t pay for childcare, not will he have his kids alone, so she’s stuck.

I’m not comparing your DH to this obviously, but do be careful.

[ultrababy]

Diolch Teens. In which case OP find a compromise. I cannot comment on the racism aspect. I wouldn't know. From a direct move from London to Abercarn I would personally advise you not to. But I haven't been there so accept I'm talking shit whilst sitting in the bath with my wine. Feel free to scroll past 😀

[BackforGood]

We actually met online while he was still living with his parents in Wales and I was living in London. We did the whole long distance thing for awhile and then he moved to London. He’s been living here almost 3 years now and still hates London and city life.

I think this is quite important. He has tried to move and adapt to the life you were used to. He has given it a really long try, but really can't settle there. I don't think anyone can disagree about property prices.
You are very reluctant to try a life that sounds different from your own, (which I think most of us would understand) but therefore you need to be empathetic to the fact that he hasn't enjoyed a life which is so very different from what he had been used to and what he would like.
It strikes me that you need to find a compromise. Both be really open to other thoughts and ideas - what about another City, somewhere else in a cheaper part of the country ? Or what about somewhere outside of the City but travelable into London ? I don't think either living in London or Abercaan is going to make you both happy, so find somewhere that does.

[dgarcia85]

OP, has your partner ever lived anywhere other than London or Abercarn?

No only those two places. I do feel like the jump from Abercarn to London was too much for him maybe. But then I moved from a tiny island to London and I have settled in and embraced it. But ofcourse everyone is different. He likes the community feel of a small place. I do too but I found it stifling and hated having everyone in my business. I feel like living in Abercarn would be like living in my home island with the added issue that no one looks like me or like our future kids. I just can’t do it. But I will consider Bristol or Cardiff if we can figure out the job issue. I’ve worked hard and I’m not prepared to go backwards in my career either.

[MikeUniformMike]

@dgarcia85, he is going to be looking for a job in IT. With no degree , if he has experience in IT, he can get a job in IT. With a degree and no IT experience, he is going to struggle.

Without a degree, you get filtered out at CV stage.

With a degree, he'll be competing against younger candidates, or with candidates with experience.

Think hard about it. How long have you been together, and how long have you been living together?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

It’s important to me that we both contribute to the household finances

Of course it is and you're quite right - but I wonder just how important it truly is to him.
To be absolutely honest, the go-to suggestion of moving in with his parents really wouldn't fill me with confidence, and while I totally get your wanting to get on with having a family, I'd gently suggest it may not be the only issue to look at here. You're clearly an intelligent and ambitious lady, and the consequences if this goes wrong could be crushing

[FloggingMoll]

I'm from South Wales originally (not far from Abercarn) and now live in West Wales. I've also lived in Cardiff. Honestly, I wouldn't move from London. You'll be stuck in a small town without a great deal going on, surrounded by his family. You won't be able to match your income or find the same opportunities in your career. You will come to resent him.

Things are much improved and Cardiff in particular is really diverse, but the Valleys aren't particularly IME. In my small home village the corner shop is still referred to by the ethnicity of the owners (incorrectly, as it happens).

You sound confident, happy and going places. Your DP does not (you've said he's not particularly ambitious. That's not going to change, especially if he moves back in with Mam and Dad).

[dgarcia85]

@MikeUniformMike yes he has no degree and no experience in IT. All his work experience is in call centre and admin. He didn’t know what he wanted to do career wise. He’s only decided in the last year he wants to do IT. So he started a 6 year p/t degree with Open university.
We’ve been together 5 years - first 2 years was long distance we spent every weekend together in either London or Wales or Swindon (half way point). Then last 3 years we having been living together in London.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Can I ask how old he is OP? If he didn't decide on I.T. until very recently, I'm just wondering how long he's spent "not knowing what he wanted to do career wise"

[Yoginut]

I'm Welsh and live in a part of Cardiff, I love it here. It's diverse and vibrant with (usually) lots to do and see.
But, we are just about to head into a humdinger of a recession, you (OP) have a good job in London and you'd be bonkers to give that up and move here, especially to the Valleys which are on the whole friendly and beautiful but deprivation is high, healthcare and education poor.
Btw (in response to some of the comments on this thread), the Welsh language is to be celebrated rather than a barrier, Wales isn't a suburb of England, we have our own culture and many differences. Some of these are great, others not so much...

[dgarcia85]

@Puzzledandpissedoff He is 32. The way he describes it is that his parents didn’t push him academically and he just fell into an admin job at 16 in Wales that was walking distance from home so it was convenient so he just stayed there. It’s only when we met that I think my ambition rubbed off on him (I have never pushed him as I didn’t want him to resent me) but he started talking about wanting to do more with his life and then he decided on IT and he seems to be taking it seriously.

[MissBattleaxe]

Abercarn is as lively as a dead dodo. There's no way you'll get a comparable salary there unless you comnute to Cardiff and even then it's not a given. It's much cheaper to live in Wales but moving from London to Abercarn is massively unlikely to make you happy. Plus, last time I looked, the primary school there is Welsh speaking.

[Northernsoullover]

Cardiff Met has a technology school opening. Just a thought

[dgarcia85]

I should also mention for those who think I’m not willing to compromise- when he moved to London I was working at a law firm long hours often getting home 11pm or later and earning £60K. He was unhappy with the hours I worked so I agreed to look for something with better hours and accepted the council job earning 35K. I was happy to take the pay cut if it meant improving our relationship which it did and luckily I love my job. But that is why I am not willing to take another step back pay wise as I’ve already made that sacrifice once. So if we move it would have to be similar salary and I think that’s fair.

[Sandybval]

That's quite a leap, and probably a really bad time to leave a secure job. I really like Wales, I have lived in Pembrokeshire and Cardiff, and adored both. But, it's nothing like London, and the job opportunities are in no way the same (also lived in London for 4 years). Pay also tends to be lower, many of my friends actually commute over the bridge everyday because Bristol means they earn extra ££ for doing the same job. The cost of living used to be slightly cheaper, but no idea now whether it's somewhat levelled off. Personally unless you are both really wanting to then I wouldnt, not yet. There is a fast train now from London to Cardiff, that should make it a lot quicker for him to visit home. Also a 6 year part time course is a long time, has he checked the job market for IT jobs? There are far more graduates now coming out of university from computer science and IT type courses because there was a shortage and a lot were drawn in by the high salaries; these will lower over the coming years and the sector will likely look different than it does now. I'm not saying he shouldn't be looking to progress or follow what he enjoys by the way, but not to count on it, especially if there aren't many opportunities where he wants to move to.

[1Morewineplease]

if you really don’t want to move , then don’t.
It doesn’t matter where you’ve been offered, if it doesn’t feel right then stay put.

[MikeUniformMike]

Thanks for the reply OP. Sorry if I seem negative.

He'll be 37 competing against 21 yr olds. He needs experience. Good on him for doing the degree.

Nothing wrong with welsh speaking primary schools. It is beneficial to learn languages when young.

You're 34. I'd cut my losses.

Remote working is more likely now.

You can go to London by train.

[Yoginut]

Also, it sheets down with rain here in Wales. I have friends who've moved from elsewhere and it really gets them down. You would be mad to contemplate it.

[Batqueen]

So wait, you took a paycut because he didn’t like the hours you work and now he’s complaining that you can’t afford to buy in London so need to move?

Seriously do not make another big life upheaval for this man!