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Original poster

To not want to move to Wales?

691 replies

dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 17:44

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

OP posts:
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9
MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2020 21:45

Sorry, paragraph order is wrong.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/05/2020 21:46

Flipping heck, a £25k paycut and now you have to move countries? Any other hoops to jump through?.

AdaColeman · 07/05/2020 21:48

So he’ll be not far off 40 when he finishes his degree, and without any
work experience he is hoping to get a job in a cutting edge career like IT where companies cherrypick from the brightest 21 year old graduates. And he’ll be doing this from a small Welsh village. How is it going to work?

Yoginut · 07/05/2020 21:49

Here's Rhod Gilbert on the rain... Get past the sheep jokes first:

sleepingpup · 07/05/2020 21:50

I've vaguely horrified and offended at the posters suggesting that South Wales is some kind of culturally-devoid backwards impoverished shithole, when the alternative being offered is fucking Croydon.

Fucking Croydon. Indeed. Well said @thedancingbear

OliviaBenson · 07/05/2020 21:55

There are quite a few red flags here op. Don't be blinded by your want of a baby and concerns about your age.

Hand on heart, do you want to leave your job? Where are your 'red lines'? Would Bristol or Cardiff give you the same job opportunities? What would happen if you said to him you aren't moving at all?

Sandybval · 07/05/2020 21:58

So he’ll be not far off 40 when he finishes his degree, and without any work experience he is hoping to get a job in a cutting edge career like IT where companies cherrypick from the brightest 21 year old graduates. And he’ll be doing this from a small Welsh village. How is it going to work?

Absolutely agree with this, unfortunately. Bristol as mentioned might actually be a fair compromise. Slightly cheaper than London with excellent transport links both back to London and to Wales, lots going on, and a fair few job opportunities.

AdaColeman · 07/05/2020 22:01

Just seen the post about about you already having given up a law job and taken a salary cut equal to some peoples’ annual salary!

This man is far too demanding and controlling.

Let him move back to his parents in Wales.

Honeyroar · 07/05/2020 22:02

It sounds as though you’re on totally different pages. You’re a successful city girl and he’s a bit of a small town/hometown boy. Neither is wrong, but unless you can compromise do you really fit together? Something you really need to sort before getting married imo. To be fair he has tried moving to you, and if he’s not happy perhaps you ought to try for him, but I’d insist on compromising by moving to Cardiff and initially commuting to your job for a good while until you’re sure you like it and could find work there.

MissBattleaxe · 07/05/2020 22:05

@sleepingpup I actually live in South Wales and I love it here. I was born here and livedi n lots of different places including London before coming back. I feel lucky to live here. However I know Abercarn quite well and wouldn't live there myself nor recommended it. There are wonderful places to live in Wales but Abercarn isnt one of them IMHO.

BackforGood · 07/05/2020 22:09

Btw (in response to some of the comments on this thread), the Welsh language is to be celebrated rather than a barrier,

Actually @Yoginut, if you are thinking of moving to another country, not speaking the language is a barrier.

OP you keep adding pretty huge drip feeds to this thread.
Once again, the fact you have taken a MASSIVE paycut, not because you particularly wanted to but because he wanted you to spend more time with him, is really crucial to this conversation. Particularly as one big part of the arguement for moving is that you are never going to be able to afford to buy your own home in London.....

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 22:10

So wait, you took a paycut because he didn’t like the hours you work and now he’s complaining that you can’t afford to buy in London so need to move?
Flipping heck, a £25k paycut and now you have to move countries? Any other hoops to jump through?
Yeah I should have waited til we bought a place before giving up that job probably. But I couldn’t maintain that job and have a happy relationship and I figured I’d probably have to give it up to some extent once I had kids anyway. I miss the pay check of course lol but I have a much better work life balance now. I just don’t want to take another step back.

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 07/05/2020 22:13

What does he actually bring to your happiness?

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 22:17

Hand on heart, do you want to leave your job? Where are your 'red lines'? Would Bristol or Cardiff give you the same job opportunities? What would happen if you said to him you aren't moving at all?

I don’t want to leave my job but I know he’s miserable here and I don’t want that either. So if I could find a job of similar pay like Bristol or Cardiff I would take it. I’m just not sure he would be happy in those places either. He has already said that if I decide to stay in London he will stay but he won’t be happy about it. It’s not just my age and wanting a baby and not wanting to start over. That’s part of it yes but mainly I love him and I want to be with him, he’s a great person and treats me like a princess :)

OP posts:
Kickanxietyinthebeanbag · 07/05/2020 22:19

I moved across the UK for dh job
Took me 7 years to settle ,and even now ,20 years later ,it does not feel like ,how it felt ,where we lived before.
Huge mistake
We couldn’t move back because the house prices had rose to much where we came from ,and we had kids settled in school by the time I was able to say ,enough,I want to go home
Really sad ,but no ones fault but my own

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 07/05/2020 22:24

I live in Wales, OP, not that far from Abercarn either (5 mins!) and work in London but I'm not in the office very often as I travel (drive).

Why not have a look at transport links with trains to see if that's viable for you? I don't use trains because if I wanted to get a train to the office it would be a bus to Newport station and then a train to Paddington and then a tube. Too much potential for me to lose my laptop! I would love to get a train if I was more 'local' and on the direct route.

monkeycats · 07/05/2020 22:24

I’m sorry to ask this OP, but could he feel threatened by you? Well, not you personally, but possibly, the fact you earn more than him and have the chance to earn more soon is emasculating for him? Ambition was not part of his DNA before he met you. If he hadn’t met you, he’d probably still be working down the road in Abercarn. He knows he can’t compete with you in your “world,” so now he wants to drag you into his comfort zone. He probably wants you to have a little part-time job in a shop or something around the kids and be all involved with the day to day of his parents. Then he can get an admin job with a bit if IT thrown in and they will be that.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but what does he actually think you’re going to do in Wales?

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 22:24

OP you keep adding pretty huge drip feeds to this thread.
Once again, the fact you have taken a MASSIVE paycut, not because you particularly wanted to but because he wanted you to spend more time with him, is really crucial to this conversation. Particularly as one big part of the arguement for moving is that you are never going to be able to afford to buy your own home in London.....

I don’t regret it though and it was my decision really. I was 30 at the time and finding a forever partner was more important to me than money. Also, even at £60K I probably wouldn’t have been able to buy anything in London anyway.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 07/05/2020 22:25

You don't need to learn Welsh to live here unless you were considering parts of West Wales or North Wales. Even then you'd be fine.

Thelnebriati · 07/05/2020 22:26

I wish you could read back through your posts as if someone else has written them; he doesn't treat you like a princess. He is charming when he is getting his own way.

What is he like when you say 'no' to something that really matters to him? What if you had refused to cut your hours and pay?

Yoginut · 07/05/2020 22:26

He might be treating you like a princess now, but think about what he's really bringing to the party OP?
Security, a great lifestyle? Nope.
The misogyny of the Valleys can be eye-watering, and he will have grown up with that.
You have a good job and great prospects, think very hard about downgrading that.

monkeycats · 07/05/2020 22:27

Go be honest, there’s nothing wrong with just having a chilled life on a limited income if you can be happy with that. I’m not saying he’s wrong, if that’s his natural inclination. But it just doesn’t sound like you’d be happy with that?

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 22:34

@monkeycats I agree that being with me has lit a fire under him but I really don’t think he is threatened by me. He always says how proud he is of me etc. I think he feels bad that it is because of him that we can’t afford to buy and I think he sees moving to Wales as a solution. He’s convinced it will be easy for me to find a job in Cardiff or Newport and he thinks it will be easier for him to get a better job there as there is less competition and then we can buy somewhere.

OP posts:
monkeycats · 07/05/2020 22:35

Yes I can see that OP.

Wtfdidwedo · 07/05/2020 22:37

Cardiff is actually becoming a bit of a hub for tech jobs so if he can be persuaded to move there then I think that could be a compromise depending on how your role fits into it. Companies like Monzo and Starling recruit quite a bit and offer flexible hours for him in a related industry www.wales247.co.uk/demand-for-digital-jobs-soar-in-cardiff/