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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to move to Wales?

691 replies

dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 17:44

My OH and I live in SE London and we are about to start TTC. We both agree we need to decide where we want to live as we want our kids to have a stable home and not move around. I work at a council and earn £35K. It’s a great place to work and I don’t want to leave. I also will be starting a second consulting job soon earning an additional £10K. My OH is studying p/t and earns £20K. I want to move closer to work most likely Purley renting first and then buying when we can afford too. OH doesn’t think we will ever be able to buy anything in Croydon/London and he wants to move to Wales where his parents are as it’s cheaper and they can help out with any kids. I’m from the Caribbean originally and I’ve been living in London for 15 years and made it my home and I don’t really want to start over in another new plus. Hi Plus I feel like our mixed race kids would fit in better in London and I love my job. I know Wales makes more sense financially but I can’t bring myself to agree to it and its now causing arguments....

OP posts:
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ProfessorFrockdown · 07/05/2020 19:32

Have not RTFT, but there is no way I would move from London to Wales. Especially given that you have worked hard to make London your home. Stick to your guns on this one.

MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2020 19:33

Don't do it OP. Definitely, don't move in with the in-laws.

Cardiff is multi-cultural but it isn't London. Great city, but it's not London.

Your DP's earning potential in London is far greater than it would be 20 mins outside Cardiff.

peperethecat · 07/05/2020 19:34

You could go and spend some time in Cardiff and see if you like the feel of the place and whether you could see yourself living there. Property is extremely cheap compared to London so you could have a better standard of living in that sense if you were able to find a comparable job to the one you currently have, and there is still quite a lot of culture and diversity in Cardiff.

You might want to do some research to see how easy it would be for you to get a job in Wales. I know that in certain public sector jobs it can be difficult to get a look in if you don't speak Welsh, so this is something you will need to consider.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to leave London and go and live in the sticks.

You might also want to consider Bristol, which is a great city and could be a really nice compromise between London and Wales.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/05/2020 19:35

I’m not prepared to just give up my job and move in with his parents til we find something else like he has suggested. We’d probably be there forever lol

Hang on, you didn't mention he's planned that you'd be moving in with them!!
Swapping all the possibilities of the London area for a Welsh village and giving up your independence? No thank you - like PPs I'd be looking for a compromise here and hoping he's prepared to make one

TeensArghhhh · 07/05/2020 19:35

But there’s not much for teens in small Welsh towns and this can generate a lot of antisocial behaviour

Wow! Ignorant much! 😳

Reallymissthegym · 07/05/2020 19:38

Abacarn is not the middle of no where and here towns are alarmist next to each other they aren’t little 500 people only make 🙄

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 19:41

I think it's a bit rich that you live in London, work in London, met in London, became a couple in London, and now he wants to up sticks and move to a tiny village in Wales

We actually met online while he was still living with his parents in Wales and I was living in London. We did the whole long distance thing for awhile and then he moved to London. He’s been living here almost 3 years now and still hates London and city life.

Im not sure I can sell him on Cardiff as a compromise. Every time I mention I’d consider Cardiff he says something like ‘yeah maybe or somewhere near there’ or ‘maybe the outskirts of Cardiff’ which makes me feel like he has no intention of staying in Cardiff even if we moved there and he’s not going to be happy unless we end up in Abercarn. He denies this but it’s just a feeling I get. Which is why I just want to stay where I am! Although it would be nice for our kids to grow up around family. Ugh it’s so difficult!

OP posts:
lemontreebird · 07/05/2020 19:43

Ah, fair enough, op. You tempted him out of Wales. Wink

YappityYapYap · 07/05/2020 19:44

I think if you're willing to move to Wales, he needs to compromise and be willing to live in Cardiff if that would suit you better as you like city life.

There's suburbs around Cardiff for the best of both worlds. Not quite in the hustle and bustle but not in the the middle of no where either.

I personally have the same view point as you. I like living in a city so we live in a suburb attached to a large city in Scotland. You get so much more for your money living near cities in Scotland and Wales or up north in England

EdwinaMay · 07/05/2020 19:44

Well you won't be better off if youre an office admin, because your proper job is too niche, and he's doing whatever and you've got full time childcare to pay for. His DPs won't want to spend much time looking after the DCs if they work full time. Believe me.

Purpleartichoke · 07/05/2020 19:44

Moving to a place with reasonable housing costs is the best financial decision we could have made. We have more discretionary income and our retirement will be very different than it would have been if we stayed in a big city. It’s not for everyone, but it really makes a huge difference financially.

CottonSock · 07/05/2020 19:44

Cardiff is fantastic, but the nice areas are no longer cheap. I wouldn't move to Abercarn either op. It's probably fine if you grew up there, but I've found it hard to make friends as a newcomer in smaller towns of Wales. Just not so much going on. Don't let language bother you though. Any effort to learn Welsh makes Wales feel more like home, but isn't essential.

AnxiousMama24 · 07/05/2020 19:45

So he moved to London for you? But you can’t try wales for him?
I wouldn’t move in with in laws but he’s tried London didn’t like it and you haven’t even tried Wales and might be surprised.

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 19:46

It sounds like you have decided Wales is a nation of racists and bigots OP.

Oh no definitely not! His family and friends in Abercarn are amazing and have always been lovely to me. But there’s a difference between experiencing racist abuse and not but still feeling like you stand out. I feel like I stand out when I go there and I don’t want my kids feeling that way which is why I think a city like Cardiff is a better option for us. I definitely don’t think Wales is a nation of racists!

OP posts:
peperethecat · 07/05/2020 19:47

So he moved to London for you? But you can’t try wales for him?

The problem is that if she "tries" Wales for him and hates it, she's never going to be able to persuade him to leave again. She'll be stuck there, potentially with a baby.

MikeUniformMike · 07/05/2020 19:47

I'd reconsider getting married. You would be giving up too much.

Alternatively, wait until you are married and are TTC or have very young children and reconsider then.

SuitedandBooted · 07/05/2020 19:47

Be realistic.

Can you get a job? Wales can be very cheap in certain places, and those places are cheap for a reason.
Can he continue to study, and work?

And the idea of giving up your job, and moving in with the inlaws is insane! How long will you be there for - years? And frankly, I can't see you getting much child-care help from a working couple in their early 50's Confused, or does he expect his Mum to sling her job in too?

He wants to to move back to Wales. I understand that, as we will be doing just that soon, BUT I'm from there, and we will have work/housing etc covered.

monkeycats · 07/05/2020 19:54

Is not ignorant to say that teens can turn to anti/social behaviour in small towns / villages / areas with nothing for them. That’s no slight to Wales. It could happen anywhere! I grew up in a dead town in Spain and there was nothing to do, so boys would just lurk about on corners all day - smoke, drink, leer at at girls try and grope them if they got half a chance. No futures, no opportunities and no clue. I couldn’t get out quick enough,

No I don’t think Wales is that different to some parts of England. But London is indeed very different to Wales as well as most parts of England. You can’t really compare life in a small Welsh town to SE London. I don’t know this Abercorn, but I bet it’s about as polar opposite to say, Lewisham as you can get. Why pretend otherwise?

And if you’re used to London, living in the rest of England can be a massive culture shock, it really can. People who say it’s not, just obviously don’t live in London and so don’t feel the difference when they go outside. Obviously it’s the same with Wales.

SnuggyBuggy · 07/05/2020 19:55

I wouldn't give up your job and move in with his parents, that sounds hugely risky.

TeensArghhhh · 07/05/2020 19:57

Oh no definitely not! His family and friends in Abercarn are amazing and have always been lovely to me. But there’s a difference between experiencing racist abuse and not but still feeling like you stand out. I feel like I stand out when I go there and I don’t want my kids feeling that way which is why I think a city like Cardiff is a better option for us. I definitely don’t think Wales is a nation of racists

Ok. So what makes you not want to move to Wales? Abercarn wouldn’t be my choice of place to live tbh. But it is slap bang between Cardiff and Newport (if you are a townie).

Have a look at Whitchurch, Rhiwbina, Llandaff, Taffs Well, Dinas Powys.... if you would prefer to live near Cardiff. There are much nicer places locally to Cardiff than Abercarn to live and within 30 min drive to your in laws. Good Luck! 🍀

TeensArghhhh · 07/05/2020 20:03

Is not ignorant to say that teens can turn to anti/social behaviour in small towns / villages / areas with nothing for them. That’s no slight to Wales. It could happen anywhere

Can you compare knife crime between Wales and London? Which do you think has the higher death rate from knife crime?

Or does that not count??

Original poster
dgarcia85 · 07/05/2020 20:04

The problem is that if she "tries" Wales for him and hates it, she's never going to be able to persuade him to leave again. She'll be stuck there, potentially with a baby.

This is EXACTLY what I’m afraid of! And yes he tried London for me but that made more sense at the time. I was living alone with a decent job. He was living with his parents and working minimum wage. It made more sense for him to come to London.

OP posts:
TeensArghhhh · 07/05/2020 20:04

I wouldn't give up your job and move in with his parents

OP hasn’t said she would be moving in with his parents.....

peperethecat · 07/05/2020 20:09

This is EXACTLY what I’m afraid of!

This is why you need to be comfortable with the idea of moving before you do it. And if you start off in Cardiff or even Bristol you will be a lot closer to his parents whilst still living in a big diverse city. If you then decide you want to move to Abercarn later you can. But you won't have made a really drastic move that you then can't reverse.

TeaAndHobnob · 07/05/2020 20:10

Hmmm sounds like the apron strings haven't been cut OP.

Be careful.