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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask how many feel they’ve “settled” and who feels there’re with their “soul mate”

195 replies

butterflytree7 · 07/05/2020 15:27

I think I may have settled. So I’m just curious about who feels they’ve settled in a relationship and who actually feels they are with their soul mate?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2020 10:16

I think there comes a point where it's ok to have "settled", but it depends where you are in your life and what is a priority for you.my mum was always majorly stupid when it came to men, but eventually met someone that, whilst it wasn't one of These love at first sight Disney relationships everyone seems to want, he was gentle and kind and good and that's what, at that point of her life after decades of hell, yearned for. They bicker sometimes and they're not all over each other but they are contented and happy and it's a gentle kind of love.

Sickandscared · 08/05/2020 10:17

I don't know about settling but I think I made a sensible choice. I don't believe in soul mates.

ravenmum · 08/05/2020 10:21

I think @ladybee28 is the most interesting to me on this thread, as she describes the relationship I thought I had with my exh - someone who you are different to, but with whom it works nonetheless - except that her relationship sounds better. The two are different, but both trying to understand one another, and evidently succeeding? I felt more like my exh and I understood each other less and less as we got older - partly as he hadn't been 100% honest with me/himself about what he really expected from a relationship, partly just the way we developed as individuals over time.

With my current bf, I do think we share more core beliefs/attitudes, but I've realised that less from discussion and more from seeing how he behaves or what comments he comes out with spontaneously.

I live abroad, so my partners have all been a different nationality and upbringing to me. I sometimes feel a bit sad that I might never have a relationship with someone whose taste in humour etc. is really close to mine.

Chasingsquirrels · 08/05/2020 10:23

I don't believe in soulmates.

My 2nd DH used to say I was his soulmate and I used to laugh at him, although I understood the sentiment behind the words, it was a fantastic relationship. He died 3 years ago after too short a time together, although I don't think it could ever have been long enough.

I don't think that my current relationship has that level of soulmates about it. And it concerns me that maybe I'm settling. But on the other hand there are many good things about it, and him, and I'm happy. And at the moment that's enough.

U2HasTheEdge · 08/05/2020 10:36

I don't believe in soul mates. It is very convenient that people's soul mates tend to live very close to them and not the other side of the world!

I love my husband and I did not 'settle'. After 14 years we are still very happy and we work well together.

Crowbarred · 08/05/2020 10:39

‘Soulmates’ vs ‘settling’ is as frankly silly and pernicious a set of oppositions as ‘exciting bad boy’ vs ‘dull but decent’. Or ‘temptress’ vs ‘nice girl’. They’re clichés from the dimmer type of chick lit, and if they’re something you are living your life by, you need to give yourself a shake and stop watching romcoms.

MariposaPink · 08/05/2020 10:53

I definitely married my soulmate and I know just how lucky I am. He is 9 years younger than me; and we married when I was 40. I'd had a couple of long term relationships which were emotionally and mentally abusive, luckily I never married them and I certainly learned from them.
My dh is amazing and bless his heart, puts up with my mood swings and quirky ways. I don't think anyone else would!
Yesterday I fell asleep on the sofa while he was out walking the dog. He told me later that when he found me fast asleep his heart felt all warm just seeing me so peaceful. How sweet is that?!
I just know that he's the only one for me forever.

Bunnyfuller · 08/05/2020 10:55

Depends on the day! If he’s not being a twat then soulmate. If he is being a twat resentfully settling 😂🙈

I don’t think it’s as black and white and all relationships have ups and downs.

Covert20 · 08/05/2020 11:00

Not sure I believe in soul mates. But he’s my best friend, always prepared to stop and think and try again - in other words he’s committed to making our marriage work, and I fancy the pants off him. And I’ve never met anyone else who’s come close. Maybe that is being soul mates? I certainly didn’t settle.

Easilyanxious · 08/05/2020 11:37

I don't think I have but not sure if my husband has if that makes sense

Echobelly · 08/05/2020 12:08

I don't really believe in soul-mates, or not for me at least. I wouldn't say I have settled either though - I mean, I know some couples where each thinks the other is the best human being they know and I find that lovely, but I wouldn't say that's how DH and I feel about one another. Things are not always smooth and easy but we have been together nearly 17 years and I have never once in this time (and we get out a lot, under usual circumstance, and have a wide circle of friends) met anyone and thought that I wished I was with someone more like that or anything. And we have two amazing kids - I've reflected that if I ever do meet someone and wish I was with them rather than DH, I would probably just accept that it wasn't meant to be and I wouldn't have my amazing kids, or maybe any kids, if I'd waited for them.

formerbabe · 08/05/2020 12:10

Absolutely with my soulmate. More and more certain of this as i see so many posts from women on here complaining that their OHs treat them like shit and do the bare minimum

These are two separate statements surely?

I know a woman who settled...she openly tells me that. Her dh is a lovely man who does heaps for her and adores her.

Settling for someone doesn't necessarily mean they treat you like shit.

Sparklyring · 08/05/2020 12:10

Absolutely soul mates.

Bluewarbler27 · 08/05/2020 12:13

We’ve been together 25 years. Definitely my soul mate.

Rodehereonthebus · 08/05/2020 12:16

I was actually just thinking about this yesterday, funnily enough. I do believe in soulmates - people who you connect with on a very deep and intuitive level. Those people can be friends or family or romantic partners. But just because you have a deep and soulful connection with someone doesn't mean it will result in a lifelong relationship, or that it will translate well to everyday life. One of my exes was definitely a soulmate - we would talk for hours and hours about everything and I felt we understood each other on a very instinctive level. But as to whether it would've translated into us being able to take the rubbish out on time and creating lifelong memories, I can't say. I'll always cherish the memories of that connection. But I cherish DH more, because we chose to love and commit to each other, and this is what makes a relationship last, not that intangible feeling. DH is very different to me but we trust and communicate and I know we can work through anything - it isn't as instinctive but it's also more real and solid.

Dylaninthemovies1 · 08/05/2020 12:18

I don’t believe in soul mates.

I think there are many people in the world that I could have lived happily ever after with.
I absolutely adore my husband and wouldn’t say that I have “settled” as he is such a great husband.

Battysace123 · 08/05/2020 12:23

Just be careful though because alot of my ex male friends have said, treat your girlfriend/wife well at home, make the right noise, but outside do whatever you like.

formerbabe · 08/05/2020 12:24

I also don't believe in soulmates. You can meet and be with someone who is perfectly suited to you and you're compatible and have great chemistry, definitely. However, if you and your partner were living in different continents or your paths had never crossed, do you really think you'd have stayed single forever or you'd both have never truly loved anyone else as much?

Candyfloss99 · 08/05/2020 12:26

With my soulmate thank goodness.

Gawdsake2020 · 08/05/2020 12:30

I settled. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I did love him very much once upon a time and thought he was my soul mate but time changed that. I do love him still, just not in love.

arinah · 08/05/2020 12:41

@Gawdsake2020 me to a T. We weren't ridiculously young when we married (both early 20s) but we've definitely changed as people over the past 6 years. If we had met today I highly doubt I would've chosen to spend the rest of our lives together. We still love each other, but like you said, not in love.

LizzieLoafer · 08/05/2020 12:49

Don't believe in soulmates. But I've hit the jackpot with my DH. He's my best mate.

Sauron · 08/05/2020 12:52

Unfortunately settled. He’s a decent bloke but is t brilliant at sharing the parental load and we have different views of education which didn’t seem so at the time. It probably wouldn’t be so bad but we have two kids with special needs which has massively highlighted how our different approaches.

ThePlantsitter · 08/05/2020 12:55

I would love to see the ratio of people who had secure childhood relationship models : people who believe in soul mates.

timeisnotaline · 08/05/2020 12:57

Not sure about soulmate, we’ve been together for a long time so grown up together. I love him very much and he’s the one for me, but there’s work and effort to get here not just soulmate.
But, I always wanted children. If I were single in my mid 30s I’d be financially independetn and I think I’d settle if a decent option came along to have the babies I always wanted. Couldn’t settle with someone I didn’t at least respect and get on with though! And they’d have to want babies. I’m very lucky that I don’t have to worry about this but no shame in settling.