To ask how many feel they’ve “settled” and who feels there’re with their “soul mate”

[butterflytree7]

I think I may have settled. So I’m just curious about who feels they’ve settled in a relationship and who actually feels they are with their soul mate?

Yes I am settled and definitely with my soulmate. We're 38 but we've already been together almost 24 years.

Not my soulmate as we’re so fundamentally different, but no way have I settled because he’s up there with the best, wouldn’t change him for anyone.

My great love ended our relationship and I think I then settled which has led to periods of extreme boredom and frustration.

Soulmate - been married 32 years in June - fell in love with his voice over the phone at first (worked in same office) it was very much like Dawn & Tim in "The Office" actually as I was living with someone else at the time 😬

We have had some some ups and downs over the years but cannot imagine life with anyone else 🥰

we don’t sit and talk about anything that is deep or interesting (to me anyway), conversation is always very superficial, we don’t have fun together or laugh together and I find I have to go to friends or family to get these needs met.
Have a listen to this podcast, OP:
www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard?t=1588920590415
(I think this is the right one from the description.) It's basically arguing that in the old days, what you are describing is what people expected from their marriage: it was considered normal and right not to get everything from your partner, but to seek some things outside of the marriage, from your family, workmates and friends.

Today, things are obviously different, but if, as you describe, you think he's great, then it might be worth weighing it up and considering whether what you have is so bad after all. Maybe you are falling prey to comparison.

At the same time, maybe things need shaking up a bit? Perhaps you could change the things you talk about yourself, and the way you talk? Start challenging him more and see if it gets him to argue with you? Do some different things together?

we don’t sit and talk about anything that is deep or interesting (to me anyway), conversation is always very superficial, we don’t have fun together or laugh together and I find I have to go to friends or family to get these needs met.

Whilst I think expect a husband a spouse to provide for all your needs and some may have unrealistic expectations. I’d think if you didn’t have ‘the deep conversations’ before committing for life, you’d increase the risk of not going the course. Would you seriously marry without discussion of core values, children and child rearing attitudes, finances, expectations, behaviours and expectations?

Settled. But we both adore our kids and we work well together as parents. We've got a nice life, and I have friends, hobbies and interests, so I don't need DH to be my soulmate.

Not soul mates, I could have been just as happy with another man had things been different. But DH is genuinely my favourite person to be with, even after 7 weeks holed up together. I chose well on a practical level too; he works hard outside and inside of the home.

My life has definitely been more "boring" as a result of meeting him when I was only 18, but also more wonderful. I feel so lucky to have already had him in my life for 13 years and hopefully scope for decades more. It was never in my plan to marry so young.

Would you seriously marry without discussion of core values, children and child rearing attitudes, finances, expectations, behaviours and expectations?
I doubt OP means this kind of "deep" discussion, but, on this subject, I thought I'd discussed all this with my exh when we got married after 5 years together. It turned out, when the children appeared and I was the main carer, that actually, how he acted in practice was totally at odds with what we'd talked about.

I really don't believe in soul mates. I think there are thousands or millions of people you could have a good relationship with. But I haven't settled. My DH is great. I'm so glad I found him.

Definitely with my soulmate, but I do believe that you could find more than one soulmate in your life. It’s a term for someone you are on the same page with in life (imo).

My husband is by and large the best man for the job as far as I’m concerned. He’s not so good with the hoover but the emotional support he offers outweighs any gripes I have about his productivity.

Settled, I've settled for a lifestyle rather than the big romance. I'm not happy all the time, but the alternative wouldn't make me happy either.

If i could turn back the clock then I would have stayed in my first marriage, closer to "soul mates"...as in someone kind, devoted and understood me.
If I hadn't been so young and dumb, or had someone there to shake some sense into us, it wouldn't have ended the way it did. I still look at my ex and realise he was probably what was best for me, but I didnt realise it at the time.
Ship has sailed now.

I'm secretly jealous of all those saying they've married thier soul mate.

I don't believe in soulmates and agree it puts unrealistic expectations on finding 'the one'

My DH are quite different in some ways but he has a wicked sense of humour and makes me laugh a lot, similar values in life and live and respect each other. It doesn't mean life isn't hard at times. I can't imagine being with anyone else.

I always assumed most people thought they were with their ‘soulmate‘ when they married, but obviously I’m wrong.

I certainly did and still do to a certain extent. But I’m older and wiser now to realise that life takes many twists and turns that may break that bond that at the time you married you didn’t think would be possible. What started out as ‘soulmates’ may loose it’s sheen and turn into ‘settled’. For one if not both parties.

Soulmate, absolutely the other half of me :)

Soul mate definitely. Lockdown has made me even more certain that he is.

I don’t believe in ‘soulmates’ either. On a planet of more than 7 million people, of whom you will meet an insignificantly tiny number during your lifetime, it is absurd to suggest that one of those few is your ‘soulmate’. It’s overwhelmingly likely that if you had never met them, you would be perfectly happy with someone else instead.

Yep. And I'd take a bullet for my spouse too, and he me, he's everything I've ever wanted. But the idea that in an unimaginably large pool of humans there's only one who I could feel this way about is inherently implausible.

When I read these threads and posters saying their husbands are amazing and they love them so much is when I realise I've just settled. I've no idea what to do about it, but I could never describe my husband in those ways and that makes me feel incredibly trapped and sad 😔

There are no soul mates, there are people you just click with. I click with my dh, we're just the same people.

I do feel like two halves of a whole with my husband, but I'm not sure how much of that is due to having been quite young and still very much developing as people when we met.

I think you come across people that are suited to you at different stages of your life. There might have been someone out there more suited to dh (tbh I think on paper his ex was more suited to him in that they had loads of shared interests but they clashed on core values) or more suited to me but I wouldn't have wanted to spend half a lifetime just looking for them and not living. As it happens dh is the yin to my yang. We don't have many shared interests apart from food and football, I am not riveted by space but we share the same religion, culture, similar family upbringing and values. I show interest in his job and the music he enjoys (once went to a Kendrick Lamar concert with him, I prefer punk rock but I took one for the team) and he does the same for me. I can be all versions of myself with him and am never judged for it and so can he. He knows what I am thinking usually before I say it and I can do the same for him. I would 100% choose to be with him again as he is the one I wanted to have a family and grow old with. Our life is pretty simple ( centred around each other, kids, family and work) but I wouldn't change it for the world.

I don’t believe in soulmates, but I’ve married my best friend. We’ve been together for nearly twelve years and he still gives me butterflies when he comes into the room.

As we get older we change and evolve and I think the key to a happy relationship is finding someone to do all of that with.