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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how many feel they’ve “settled” and who feels there’re with their “soul mate”

195 replies

butterflytree7 · 07/05/2020 15:27

I think I may have settled. So I’m just curious about who feels they’ve settled in a relationship and who actually feels they are with their soul mate?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 07/05/2020 16:37

I don't believe in soulmates but definitely haven't and wouldn't have settled just to be married or to have kids. Married to a lovely man, very happy.

ravenmum · 07/05/2020 16:58

After a glass of wine I sometimes suddenly "know" that my bf is my soulmate Grin - glad I'm not looking to have kids with anyone any more.

KatnissMellark · 07/05/2020 17:02

I don't believe in soulmates. There are lots of good matches out there for everyone.

I love my DH to bits but he drives me up the wall, and of course we've both had to make compromises along the way. Fundamentally though, we both have the same values, want much the same thing and love and support each other.

We are both extremely practical though and not at all woo so I'm not sure, does that mean we've 'settled'? I think we just have a mature realistic view of relationships, though I'm sure others would find that incredibly un-romantic.

vikingwife · 07/05/2020 17:05

If you find yourself having to constantly explain yourself, then that’s not a soul mate. When someone “gets” you & can be your authentic self around them, that is a soul connection. It doesn’t have to be sexual or romantic. It’s just someone you really click with. There is no one person or destiny, it can happen with multiple people over the course of life, it’s just rare to find ;)

mindutopia · 07/05/2020 17:07

The concept of a 'soulmate' is a bit too weird for me, but I do believe I'm with the person I'm meant to be with. And I'm very happy. He's certainly the only person I ever dated who didn't cause me any drama. He's been steady and dependable from day 1 and 12 years later, I think he's more fantastic than I did the day we met. Life is long and a lifelong relationship is a serious commitment. I can't see the point in 'settling' because I just can't imagine dealing with all the rubbish life can throw at you unless you are with someone who you truly love and adore.

SugarSpiceAllThingsNice · 07/05/2020 17:08

My DH is perfect for me, without a doubt haven't settled and couldn't imagine life without him.

Silenceisnotgolden · 07/05/2020 17:09

I settled for someone who wanted me at a time when I felt unlovable. I have many, many regrets and there are so many things I’d change if I could. He is one of them.

Somerville · 07/05/2020 17:11

Not being with a "soul mate" (bleugh) doesn't mean settling for someone you know is wrong for you. The former is idealistic nonsense (take it from someone who's been very happily married twice) and the latter is crappy behaviour towards another human being.

I imagine lots of people who want a divorce saying they 'settled' have le their head be turned, and were once happy with their spouse. Relationships don't stay static - people are always moving closer together or further apart.

MaxNormal · 07/05/2020 17:12

Soul mate, he's wonderful, I feel lucky every day after twelve years together.

AnneOfCloves · 07/05/2020 17:18

Another one who rejects the concept of 'soulmates' or The One.

However I love who I'm with, think we've developed in complementary directions in the 32 years (so far) that we've been together and he's still the person I most like hanging out with. He's necessary to me. We make each other happy, and we make each other laugh.

snappybitch · 07/05/2020 17:25

I don't feel I've settled, but I do believe in marrying a man who loves you more than you love him. My husband is utterly devoted to me. Probably thinks I'm his soulmate. I love him also but I also know that there is probably someone else out there that would make me very happy.

recycledbottle · 07/05/2020 17:30

I dont believe in soulmates. There are various people you could be well suited to. Also anyone I know who talks about their DH/DP as their soulmate has a very fiery relationship with lots of ups and downs. Some people confuse drama/not able to be alone as being because they are with their soulmate. I dont think people settle all that much either. Im happy with my DH but there are probably 2 or 3 other people who I would also be happy with.

megladon2020 · 07/05/2020 17:33

I don't believe in soul mates but I don't think I settled either. Dh and I have a lovely life. 15 years of marriage I don't go weak at the knees but I still love him and our relationship has got better. That's not to say that there isn't another person out there who would be more compatible but I didn't want to spend my life looking for the 'perfect person'. If dh and I ever broke up I would have no concerns about finding another relationship though.

megladon2020 · 07/05/2020 17:34

I also don't think your dh needs to be your best friend. I have lots of friends to fill that role.

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 07/05/2020 17:37

Neither as I don't believe in soul mates. However I haven't settled either and love my DH very much and have exactly the life I have always wanted.

StirCrazy2020 · 07/05/2020 17:37

Soulmate. Absolutely no one else could compare. I miss him so much. Four years in but we don't live together and not able to see each other atm obv. Laugh every day and keep each others spirits up. I'll be privileged to grow old with him. I hope I get to!

My XH was decent and quite a 'catch' so didn't feel like settling but we had nowhere near the emotional connection or common interests to sustain it.

Original poster
butterflytree7 · 07/05/2020 17:58

I don’t feel how most are describing their relationships here. He is beyond amazing to me, I have a great secure life and for that I feel very lucky BUT I don’t have a connection with him, we don’t sit and talk about anything that is deep or interesting (to me anyway), conversation is always very superficial, we don’t have fun together or laugh together and I find I have to go to friends or family to get these needs met.

I went for the man who loves me more than I love him.

I don’t believe a soul mate is the ‘only’ person we are meant for, but I do believe in soul connections as I’ve had that before and still have with some friends.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 07/05/2020 18:05

That sounds sad OP, not to have fun or laugh together, or have a real connection. Are you wondering whether you should stay together?

I think a lot of people would find that hard.

CHIRIBAYA · 07/05/2020 19:48

100% believe in souls and 100% believe in soul mates and been married to mine for 16 years. Also believe your soulmate doesn't have to be your partner and you can have more than 1 soulmate. My father was also my soulmate, always will be. People who mistake this concept for 'dramatic romance' are missing the point.

Oldsu · 07/05/2020 19:57

I hate the expression 'soul mate' tbh but I have been married to DH for 48 years (in july) so I have found my something or other

raiderz · 07/05/2020 19:58

I have definitely settled. Im not really happy but can't afford to leave.

heartsonacake · 07/05/2020 20:00

I’m married to my soulmate Smile We’re very lucky; we met as children, got together as teens, married early twenties and are still happily together in our thirties.

gingganggooleywotsit · 07/05/2020 20:02

I settled from age 14 to 25, same man. Found the courage to leave then found the love of my life who restored my faith in love. 42 now and still happy with my decision.

OhTheRoses · 07/05/2020 20:03

Completely soul mate and we both knew the night we met. 30 years ago.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 07/05/2020 20:11

Settled for ex. And he turned out to be a prick.

Now with my soulmate (for over 20 years now). Very grateful.