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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of men, testosterone and their relentless pursuit of sex?

120 replies

Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 10:29

I really am. I have one foot out of a 5 year marriage with my children's father, I'm just getting my ducks in a row so to speak.

Unbeknownst to me at the start the man is a sleaze, obsessed with sex to the point that he's prepared to destroy his family to obtain it (twice that im aware of) and has unrealistic expectations for the sex in the home. He wasn't deprived, our children are very close in age which speaks for itself.

This marriage has got me to thinking about men's attitude to sex in general and he's not too dissimilar to others I've known, dated or been friends with.

Now it's entirely possible I've just had shit luck and chosen crap men and crap friends, but a trawl around the boards reveals it is a common problem.

I'm sure somebody will be along to say that they're a woman and have a rampant sex drive, but in the grand scheme of things the level of irresponsibility, selfishness and carnal desire is far more prevalent among men.

I'm starting to believe I'm asexual and have contempt for men in general because of this.

AIBU to be utterly sick of men, testosterone and how they seemingly can't live without or want a ridiculous amount of sex.

OP posts:
inwood · 07/05/2020 10:31

Now it's entirely possible I've just had shit luck and chosen crap men and crap friends, but a trawl around the boards reveals it is a common problem.

You've answered your own question - not all men are like that. You read about it here because people don't generally come on to say how good things are but to seek advice when things go wrong.

Original poster
Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 10:33

It has jaded me and made me bitter Sad

OP posts:
Lockheart · 07/05/2020 10:33

Trawling around the boards is confirmation bias. People generally don't post for advice about happy relationships.

I think you've had bad luck. I've dated men who range on the spectrum from what you describe to very low libido. And don't forget men can be asexual too.

I think it's fair to say there is a general trend of a higher libido in men, for numerous reasons, but that doesn't make them all sex pests.

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2020 10:35

Don't generalise all men just because you have ended up with bad ones. YABU

GreytExpectations · 07/05/2020 10:36

Also loads of women have very highs ex drives. It's a ridiculous myth (mainly believed on here) that they don't ands ex is just for men.

Ponoka7 · 07/05/2020 10:37

I think their behaviour in public shows that it's socialisation as well. The peerving over women and even girls in school uniform. The fully grown men 50+ that think it's ok to be inappropriate to much younger women. The whole rape culture. The whole Incel thing. The 'nice guys comes last' bullshit.

It's driven by entitlement and everyday sexism.

I have a very high sex drive as do many women, but we don't carry on like men do.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2020 10:39

I agree with PPs, people only tend to post about this sort of thing when it's a problem, so that makes it look much more common.

No-one's really going to start a thread saying they have an equal sex drive, because there would be no problem with that.

YeahWhatevver · 07/05/2020 10:39

YABU to generalise half the adult population on the basis of your experience

It does sound like you landed a bad one though.

Futurenostalgia · 07/05/2020 10:40

I take your point but I’m always surprised by the number of women on here in sexless relationships, not through choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2020 10:40

You must have missed the very frequent posts from frustrated women whose partners or husbands want no sex at all.

I’ve had two husbands and several long term relationships. I haven’t had the same experience as you at all.

Chiyo666 · 07/05/2020 10:41

Yabvu. I don’t know any men like that and I have a ridiculously high sex drive due to hypersexuality. Mumsnet is full of women complaining about shit men so you’re never going to get a balanced view from these boards.

SylvanianFrenemies · 07/05/2020 10:41

Sorry you've had shit experiences.
Having a high sex drive doesn't make someone crap. It sounds like your problem is with infidelity and/or being pressured for sex. Both of which are crap. No wonder you feel asexual. You probably aren't, you just need not to have your sexuality overshadowed by someone uncaring.

Plenty of men with high sex drives will uncomplainingly go without sex if their partner doesn't want it, has just had kids etc.

JoesExotic · 07/05/2020 10:42

Testosterone, innit?

But you're right.

Original poster
Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 10:47

I accept I'm probably V unreasonable from the perspective of those who don't have these experiences.

I second what a PP said about socialization and sexism. I have been the young female employee in the work place being perved on by men old enough to be my father. I've witnessed the crass and vulgar comments that men in the work place have come out with, when they find somebody attractive.

Never in my life have I seen a nice looking bloke and burst out with anything remotely similar to "phwoar, I would smash that"

My husband is a bastard for this type of behaviour, his latest OW to great pleasure in telling me he has tried it on with loads of people at work. She even implied he was making subtle advances toward an eihjgeen year old.

It's good to know that not all men are this way and I'm relieved and pleased for those of you with a decent man.

It just seems to be everywhere.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/05/2020 10:51

You've definitely married an asshole.

Did he change after marriage or do you think he just kept it well hidden?

Original poster
Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 10:54

Given what I know now, I believe he kept it well hidden.

He did a good job of convincing me he was a good man with a strong moral compass when in actuality he is the opposite.

I dread to think what else he's done behind my back, there's no way that it was just the two.

OP posts:
Dozer · 07/05/2020 10:56

Glad you’re getting away from this ex.

Some men are awful, your ex is clearly one of those.

It’s not “men” per se.

MarieQueenofScots · 07/05/2020 10:58

OP, you're not wrong, however we've already had "not my Nigel" and "NAMALT", deliberately misunderstanding how discussions on men as a class work.

DollyDoneMore · 07/05/2020 11:01

Men aren’t mindlessly ruled by testosterone.

Cunty behaviour from the slezebags in your office is a result of a patriarchal society - socialisation and sexism, as you say - not some inevitable chemical outcome.

There are plenty of nice guys out there not driven by their cocks.

Original poster
Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 11:03

Other factors cementing my concerns about men in general..

A once dear male friend who I had known for over ten years who is for all intents and purposes a good person: helpful, caring, kind, supportive.. turned out to be somebody who sleeps with teenage sex workers. Over the age of 18 but still very young and probably vulnerable.

Another friend I've known since childhood, slept with his colleagues wife. He is somebody with a very respectable job and looked up to.

I've countless female friends who have been cheated on by their husbands or long term partners.

Don't get me started on dick pics.

OP posts:
Happygirl79 · 07/05/2020 11:05

You can only speak as you find OP
Not unreasonable at all

Original poster
Boredtobeers · 07/05/2020 11:07

I was also sexually harassed at what was a new job by my married boss.

Another job I had at 22 I had a much older colleague try his luck, he was in his fifties and he had a partner.

I just can't fathom my female friends behaving in that way toward young men. It is predatory.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 07/05/2020 11:09

I have a higher sex drive than my bf. I don't know what but something happened when I hit 40 (which coincidentally came just after my marriage breakdown) and I started to really enjoy sex. I would never pester my bf for sex though if he wasn't in the mood as I just wouldn't enjoy having sex with someone who wasn't into it. Sadly some men (and I assume women) would and do though.

I do think men generally show affection more in a physical way than women and don't need the emotional connection so much to have sex with someone. Again, all generalisations and based on personal experiences and of course there will always be exceptions to any generalisations.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/05/2020 11:11

My marriage also ended due to infidelity but our marriage certainly wasn't lacking in sex so I don't think it was just about that.

Again though, I know enough women who have been unfaithful.

BigChocFrenzy · 07/05/2020 11:18

The problem isn't the difference - if any - in sex drive

The problem is that too many men & boys treat women & girls badly

Yes, they are a minority of the male sex,

but they are enough of a % that most women & girls have experienced a lot of sexual harassment over the years,
whether at work, on public transport or just walking about town

and a significant minority of women have experienced rape or other sexual assault

Many women & girls automatically modify their behaviour to avoid physical danger or harassment from men;
Few men change behaviour, unless to guard against other men.