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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband to take annual leave

159 replies

MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 16:59

I'm furloughed - I have two school age kids.

It's been 6 weeks now. If me doing all the cooking cleaning etc and home schooling DH has an office job so is wfh. He's gone down to 80% of salary but still working 5 days cos he's busy.

I've told him I can't cope anymore. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm obese and BAME. I'm not sleeping. I literally wake 3-4 times a night.

I'm doing all the food planning etc I don't know if I'll have a job at the end of all this. I worry about DH job too.

I think he should either actually work 4 days or take time off to just give me a day off.

I feel ridiculous and sure if I could just sleep I would be fine. We have a gorgeous garden and kids never want to go out they want to play indoors (not on screens just dolls etc).

Home schooling is tough. I'm so fed up. I'm so so fed up and everyone is a priority over me - I feel I'm at the beck and call of everyone

OP posts:
Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:01

Not to drip feed my mum is a cancer survivor and diabetic she's gone back to work (in retail) that's worrying me too.

OP posts:
FizzyPink · 06/05/2020 17:03

Sorry but I think YABU. Companies are under a lot of pressure right now and many are making cuts, unless your husbands job is 100% secure I think (which it doesn’t sound like it is if he’s had to take a pay cut) I wouldn’t be asking for any time off right now. It’s likely the most valuable employees during the crisis will be the ones who keep their jobs at the end of all this.
You need to get some sleep and ask your husband to take over some of the chores but looking after two school age children shouldn’t take two of you

ErickBroch · 06/05/2020 17:04

Calm down on the homeschooling.

Waveysnail · 06/05/2020 17:05

What about weekends?

Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:07

I think it's the sleep - I think if I could sleep I wouldn't feel like this

OP posts:
Inaquandry19 · 06/05/2020 17:07

You need to deal with your anxiety. Can you get a short time to get some fresh air by yourself? Or do some meditation? Or anything else that will help your anxiety.

MylittleLovebug · 06/05/2020 17:09

Yabu, I'm on 80% and wfh I can't just drop a day and honestly wouldn't be that impressed if my dh who is furloughed asked me to waste annual leave so he didn't have to look after the kids for the day. He assuning has weekend and evenings off, so could meal plan etc.

vanillandhoney · 06/05/2020 17:09

YABU. You need to get some sleep.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/05/2020 17:09

He may be working 5 days a week, but outside of that he should be 50/50 with you, including cooking, cleaning and meal planning - or more if you are struggling mentally and need extra support. You are doing a full time job, especially with kids young enough to still play with dolls. Presumably he is also getting extra time from not commuting etc - can he use some of this this to take them out for an hour or exercise in the morning, for example, and give you an hour to yourself to have some time to yourself? Or organise the meal planning, shopping and cooking for a week (even if he's a crap cook and this means a fair bit of freezer food and eggs on toast) so you have something off your plate?

I'd also bet that many of his colleagues also have working partners and have to take turns doing childcare and housework, unless his employer is very unreasonable this is time when he should be able to take an hour or two in the middle of the day and make up time later on, or use annual leave as you suggest.

You didn't ask this, but have you looked at support for your mental health? You sound like you're really struggling and you deserve support for your anxiety too - you can call your GP, or if you're not ready, look online for resources. If your health is a concern, doing yoga or meditation daily can give you some time that's just for you and help address any concerns like stress or blood pressure too - yoga with Adrienne is a really good easy start.

Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:10

Weekends are generally free but catching up on the chores in the house I spend half a morning tidying then cleaning. There is stuff everywhere and my kids love tiny toys!

Sylvanians - Playmobil - shopkins - lol dolls - I'm constantly cleaning and clearing stuff

Craft - paint - sh!t everywhere

Food planning - cooking etc - I'm just tired

OP posts:
ZsaZsaMc · 06/05/2020 17:10

I agree - you need to get a handle on your anxiety and I don’t think your DH taking annual leave is going to solve this.

Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:11

But yes it's probably more mental health

OP posts:
Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:12

He works generally 830-6pm takes off 30 mins for lunch and prob comes into the back of the house for coffee 3 times a day.

Generally he'll ask me what's cooking etc

I think yes I need to go for a walk on my own but I am so tired from not sleeping it's like a vicious cycle

OP posts:
Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/05/2020 17:12

Why are pps so against him taking his earned annual leave? My employer is actively encouraging us to take it, officially so that we don't all take it for long holidays once things are opened up, but I suspect also because they would rather people take it now than pay it back when redundancies hit 🤷🏼‍♀️

Either way, while moving to a 4 day week as op suggests doesn't seem sensible right now, using annual leave while his partner is struggling mentally to cope seems eminently reasonable.

FirePlaceSam · 06/05/2020 17:14

He's working; unfortunately, you're unable to.

You both have the same financial worries about the future and you're both having to adapt, so what you're both needed to do at the moment is harder than normal.

YABU to think it's harder on you and he should do your part with or for you. He's still working (you say he's very busy).
You have been freed up and now are expected to deal with the kids and home.

CountryCasual · 06/05/2020 17:14

FWIW I have an 8 week old and a hubby about to return to work on an intensive care ward ...and I’m less stressed than you.
But lockdown is leaving a lot of people horribly anxious and stressed so whilst YABU I think we all understand why.

Lay off your hubby though and give yourself some slack xx

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/05/2020 17:17

Re the toys - if they're old enough for tiny toys, they're old enough to tidy up.

I've introduced a version of the f*it bucket for my 4 (though I don't call it that!), and it works brilliantly. Anything left over gets donated, because they clearly don't value it, and it should go to one of the many kids out there with far fewer toys who would appreciate it more... After a few books went to the charity shop things improved.
www.google.com/amp/s/amp.kidspot.com.au/lifestyle/home/the-fcket-bucket-cleaning-hack-is-so-simple-its-genius/news-story/808d616756216e513a5f1221624fecbc

opticaldelusion · 06/05/2020 17:17

Why are pps so against him taking his earned annual leave?

Because there's a real culture on mumsnet of kissing your employer's arse. Work/life balances are for pussies.

Original poster
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 17:18

Yes sure thank you. As expected I think IABU - I'm just anxious and tearful.

I wish I had a better handle on my anxiety. Lockdown started well - honestly at times I feel like I could hurt myself. I'm so worried about my eldest daughter who has had lung problems in the past.

My mum's cancer and her return to work.

Other family issues that are getting exacerbated in lockdown.

I am reading books to keep my mind elsewhere - fiction and tonight I'll do some of my headspace app that I've not done for ages

OP posts:
Dishwashersaurous · 06/05/2020 17:21

You should plan to have a few days off in the future and at the weekend sit down and plan when that will be.

But this is about your anxiety. GPs are doing phone consultations so you can call.

But it really shouldn’t be this difficult

RedRedWines · 06/05/2020 17:22

YABU it’s obviously a bad time to be taking annual leave he needs to concentrate on making himself indispensable. Plus form the sounds of it him being on leave wouldn’t actually help it sounds like your worrying is the main issue and it won’t solve that, just stop worrying about things you can’t change or what might happen, it’s pointless, and focus on what you can control.

tenterden · 06/05/2020 17:24

Why is he on 80% pay? Is he supposed to be working fewer hours or has he been furloughed but employer is making him work? I am a bit confused, sorry.

We have a bank holiday weekend this weekend so make sure he takes his turn with the grunt work and make sure you get time for yourself. Flowers

Smilebehappy123 · 06/05/2020 17:24

What on earth are you doing all day ??

SuckingDownDarjeeling · 06/05/2020 17:25

What was DH's response when you told him you weren't coping? It certainly wouldn't be reasonable to force him to take leave but I personally think it would be reasonable to ask Confused he's your husband and presumably loves you and would offer to help in any way he can. If he can't take the leave then at least he can hear you talking and comfort you. Your brain sounds exhausted. Of course you should ask for help x

Helloyouthere · 06/05/2020 17:26

I dont think it would be right to ask your husband to take annual leave.

I have to work from home, have about 50 emails a day, conference calls etc and hubby is out of the house all week at work and we have two young boys at home.

It is hard but you just have to get through it. Dont worry too much about the homeschooling, make time for yourself in the evening. Have a nice bath, pamper, read a book, go for a walk etc. Try not to stress so much x

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