To ask my husband to take annual leave

[MindBoggles]

I'm furloughed - I have two school age kids.

It's been 6 weeks now. If me doing all the cooking cleaning etc and home schooling DH has an office job so is wfh. He's gone down to 80% of salary but still working 5 days cos he's busy.

I've told him I can't cope anymore. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm obese and BAME. I'm not sleeping. I literally wake 3-4 times a night.

I'm doing all the food planning etc I don't know if I'll have a job at the end of all this. I worry about DH job too.

I think he should either actually work 4 days or take time off to just give me a day off.

I feel ridiculous and sure if I could just sleep I would be fine. We have a gorgeous garden and kids never want to go out they want to play indoors (not on screens just dolls etc).

Home schooling is tough. I'm so fed up. I'm so so fed up and everyone is a priority over me - I feel I'm at the beck and call of everyone

It’s not unreasonable for your DH to ask whether his employer would want him to take annual leave (some are encouraging it to avoid loads left afterwards).

I also think he needs to recognise the strain and pull his weight more at the weekends and the evenings. With no commute, there’s no reason he couldn’t cook a couple of times a week and should be giving you a proper break at the weekend, as well as take a break himself.

Have you talked to him about this? Lots of employers are asking people to take annual leave so they dont have lots of people off at the same time later on in the year. So he might be up for it but it also sounds like he might be too busy.

I'd see what else you can do to help you relax such as
He gets up with them and sorts breakfast etc then puts the tv on for them for an hour telling them to come and get him not you if there is a problem (unless he has conf calls or something) so you can get up at 9.30 a couple of times a week

Your kids have to put a toy away fully before getting out another toy and it's a new non negotiable rule. You can always link to pocket money or something

He takes over at lunchtime for 20 min or something while you just go and lie down and listen to music or something

You swap weekends over to the middle of the week. Have a 'weekend' day say thursday and Friday for the kids, and then your husband does those days home schooling with them at the weekend so he is sharing the work for this then.

Find something relaxing or good for your mental health and see if you can do it with the kids as well eg yoga, gentle exercise, breathing or meditation exercises. This might help you sleep better as well

I’m really amazed at the responses you have had here. No you aren’t unreasonable to ask the person who should have your back (and the only other adult in your house) to take some leave and help you out if you are struggling mentally and especially if you are thinking of harming yourself. But you need to have a plan for how the leave will help - can you use a couple of days to have a telephone consultation with your GP and work out how to put some coping mechanisms and a new routine in place? Otherwise you will be in just the same position when he goes back.

There is a lot you can’t control and it’s scary but covid is actually a very small risk statistically - that is not necessarily the case for poor mental health. Please ask for help from both your husband and your doctor and take care of yourself.

I totally get how stressed and under pressure you are - not minimising that - but I think if you're worried about DH's job too then maybe it's best that he ploughs on. Anyone asking to go down hours etc is basically putting themselves at the front of the queue for redundancy in a couple of months. Rishi Sunak has basically confirmed the furlough scheme won't be extended beyond the end of June because it's been too popular (!!!!) so there will be a lot of lay offs in July and August.
Yes him taking a week's annual leave seems like a good compromise.

I really honestly don't mean this to sound like a one-up because everyone is suffering badly, but me and DH are both wfh and have a toddler with us, I'm 16 weeks pregnant and exhausted and still I'm doing all the cleaning, food planning etc - because I'm officially part time - and he's just doing some childcare and that it's. I'm drowning and feel totally burned out.

I get it. This is totally shit. Hope things improve for us all soon. X

I think we all do what we need to do. You need him to help so he could take a couple of days leave or he could do his paid hours and help more. Why is he on 80% pay, is he supposed to be on furlough? If so he shouldn't be doing his job anyway.

I got to the end of my tether with cooking, DH can't do it as he is disabled and after 50 years of marriage I was sick of meal planning and cooking before all this started but we would go out for the occasional meal. Yesterday I ordered fish and chips on Just Eat, I had to order extras to meet minimum order limit and then pay for delivery but it made me feel so good, I swear they were the best fish and chips ever. I will do it again when I need a break.

A quick suggestion re sleep OP, which is try earplugs.

I know it’s not noise keeping you up but even so - for me they help me feel more “off duty” and like I don’t need to think about anything for the time I have them in. That may be a personal hangover from mat leave but worth a try?

Also if you do find yourself drifting off any time, let it happen - assuming nothing on the stove. Any sleep is good sleep and sometimes it’s easier to sleep when you’re not trying to.

I'm sorry, but YABU.
I too am doing all the homeschooling for 2, cooking, housework, meal planning AND working a demanding job at home that spills over into weekends and evenings and is very stressful.

My husband is also wfh in a stressful job, though he leaves it all to me and we fall out regularly.

I would love the luxury of annual leave or just having to keep house and home school.

Why can't he do his share when he isn't working, like he usually does?
he has no commute so should be pulling his weight when he logs off.

Some are coping better than others , depends on how you feel generally about the virus.

I am very stressed, therefore I'm not coping too well at home with 2 small children. Others have there hands full more than me but are not thinking about the deaths and the spread of infection so are able to cope much better.

I think there is nothing wrong with asking your DH to take some annual leave. Mine did, but it was his own decision

Hope you feel better

@middleoftheroad yabu for thinking everyone else has to be as stressed as you! Why aren't you insisting on your H doing his bit?

You need to lower your domestic and education standards for a bit. Take it in turns to cook and take a night off.

Him taking annual won’t stop your anxiety getting the better of you, especially, if job security is an issue.

@regular. What a fab post. How kind of you to go to the trouble of listing loads of activities. MN at its best.

I would absolutely ask him!

My DH company asked all employees to take annual leave by the end of June, so that it wouldn't all get taken at the same time in the Autumn... makes perfect sense.
He took a week off recently and IT WAS A GODSEND!!! Just gave me the break I needed, and I bounced back to the kids/chores feeling much better for it.
Don't even bother posting on here - just talk to him.

OP of course you are finding this hard, this is probably the hardest time in many of our lives. I think it’s very unhelpful for people to try to compete with whose in the most awful situation and somehow minimise your struggle.

Talk to your husband about how your feeling- lots of employers are encouraging leave atm, he will have a feel for his work culture and what’s right.

Your family depends on your well being therefore you need to put yourself first. Beige dinners will not kill anyone. Unlimited screen time is no big deal.

Def reach out for more help in real life- your gp might be able to help reassure you.

Look after yourself- I can tell you’re a great mum by how you talk about your children at this time (seriously all I’m broadcasting is how much I’d love to drop mine out of a window). It’s ok not to be ok. Things will get better XXX

Some want you to take leave some don’t difficult to know .

However for you - it is a difficult time for many . I had an emotional day yesterday no reason really.

My advice sit down - meal plan, Simple meals - week days toast or cereal for breakfast ( although don’t mention on Mn) lunch again simple like packed lunch , sandwiches or beans on toast , scrambled egg. Then plan a nice tea.

Tell children they are going in the garden what do they want to take .

Bitesize for Education , Do reading at a time of day that works even if it is reading at bedtime. Put bitesize on Tv 9am for primary .

At there age do crafts - tidy up before you go and play .

See what you can do that will reduce anxiety.

• do the things that help reduce your anxiety . Whether it is read a book. Can you go for a walk in the morning before your dh starts school

Yanbu he should take a few days annual leave, a week if he has the allowance. I usually work long days but still pitch in. Your oh is leaving the wife work to you. If my oh asked me "What's cooking?" Every day, he wouldn't be my dh. How very annoying.

My work is crazy busy and much busier than usual. I'm on a week off. My employer doesn't want everyone to carry forward their leave until next year so is saying we cannot cancel leave if already booked.

My oh is a supply teacher and isn't working or getting paid. They are doing most of the home schooling. We take turns of piece deciding and making dinner. We list what we need from the supermarket on the fridge.

DC are expected to tidy up after themselves, like they would at school. They are also expected to do chores like empty the dishwasher, clean the bath and sink and tidy their own rooms. We take turns at making breakfast, even if it is toast and a cuppa.

We pick a day and all do chores. It is either Friday after school or Saturday morning. I bake on Saturday afternoon and everyone is expected to entertain themselves for an hour or two.

Regular has some great suggestions.

What I find essential is to get some time to myself (& my situation is nowhere near as bad as your’s). Make sure you get out for a walk on your own every day. Even if you are tired it is worth the effort just to have some time on your own.

And I agre about suggesting some A/L, most employers will be encouraging it, my DH is WFH (also with a pay cut and no suggestion of less hours, it is just the way it is) but has been asked by his employer to take A/L.

Can I just say op there are some goady posts on here.

If any parent that has school aged children are not finding this really hard right now, then they are probably doing nowhere near enough for their children, it is as simple as that.

Anyone can stop bothering with the homeschooling and let it slide, let the house lapse into wrack and ruin and serve fish fingers for every meal, of course you could be sat in the garden in the sunshine, glass of wine in one hand by 3pm reading magazines. And you might then wonder what all the fuss is? Whats all the drama and anxiety?? Hey there is nothing to this lockdown home schooling!

However, those of us that are trying to help our children learn something, those that are trying to provide a healthy meals every day, who choose to take the children into the sunshine once in a while and don't want to live in dirt and squalor.
For us this is extremely tiring, it usually amounts to 15 hours a day minimum, every day with no break ever, for months on end. It wouldn't be so bad if we could go out, see a friend or take the pressure off in other ways but we don't have that option anymore.

Your dh needs to step up the minute he is finished. A list needs to be ready for him so he can follow it, so you don't need to keep asking. No one sits down until everything is done, kids included.

So all I am saying is for those that say there is nothing to it, I would question how they have come to that conclusion, and what the consequences will be for their children.
You are doing your best, and in the end you will be able to return your children back to school knowing that they are now not months behind, that they were well cared for. Yes it is totally shit, but it won't be forever lovely this will change and change soon I promise you.

I don't think YABU. I WFH and DH is a SAHD. I sometimes take annual leave when I see that he could use a break. Usually mid week to break his week up a bit. My DS is energetic and exhausting and I find work to be a bit of a break from him that my DH doesn't get along with the booking and chores.

We also have something on days. Something is toast. It's very boring but requires little thought and people can pitch in. Your oh is checking out of family life.

Make one weekday a day 'off'. No cooking - have meals from freezer or easy heat up food/ sandwiches/baking from previous days. No homeschool just movie day/ quiet play/ mum lays on sofa etc. You could let them watch some educational online or TV content if you insist.

I’m at home with two very young DCs (20m and 7m) and it’s got a bit stressful as we can’t do anything and my husband took annual leave... BUT he had to use his by the end of May anyway, it was originally booked for a holiday at the end of May that’s been cancelled and the lockdown initially made his business quieter so he took the time off then. If he was going April to April or Jan to Dec for his holiday year then he wouldn’t haven’t taken much, if any, at the moment. But he does help out around the house, does bottles in the night for baby (only makes them, I feed and resettle), helps do any tidying I haven’t gotten around to before we put the kids to bed and helps with bedtime and bath time etc.. could your husband help out like this a bit more?

Whilst I don't think he could do it every week, taking one day off to give you a bit of support when you are struggling is entirely reasonable. The idea that no one can take a day off during lockdown isn't sensible. Mental health is important too.

This may be a lot to do with anxiety, but I don’t think saying just get a grip helps. You are anxious because your world has been turned upside down and suddenly all the chores, childcare and mundane shit is landing on you. You’re overwhelmed and understandably so.
Sounds like you need some time for you every day to get a breather- do some mindfulness, yoga, meditation, get some exercise; whatever you want.
You need to talk to your husband about how you are feeling and share the load. It may be that leave is feasible, I wouldn’t push it if not but you need a break

Oh OP, I haven’t read a worse thread on here for ages. People are being utterly unreasonable and I think this is a classic example of why never to post in AIBU about anything remotely sensitive.

Like this total pish: Sorry op, but this is all about your anxiety. From a purely practical pov, you haven't got a lot to do.

A parent staying at home with 2 kids DOESNT HAVE A LOT TO DO? Are you deliberately being ridiculous? And especially if said parent is not getting any sleep?

I am getting sleep most nights and still finding caring for small kids v challenging. On the days when I get to WFH this is infinitely easier and more relaxing.

Planning and organising meals is the fecking bane of my life and slowly erodes my soul at times.

I hear you OP, and I think the worries that you are having are understandable, in this crazy situation. It’s ok to struggle. You are a good person, doing your best. Please ignore the very negative posts and don’t just absorb people telling you you’re being unreasonable, you’re not. Discuss with your DH, and if his job really would be risked by annual leave, then ask what he can commit to to help you. Can he do some cooking? Can he do regular cleaning tasks? At the very least he completely takes over one weekend day and lets you rest. I’d love you to post this in the feminist boards and have a completely different discussion about the way women are being shat on in this situation - old stereotypes are deeply ingrained by both sexes, it seems.

Sorry that was a bit of a rant! Sending lots of strength to you