To ask my husband to take annual leave

[MindBoggles]

I'm furloughed - I have two school age kids.

It's been 6 weeks now. If me doing all the cooking cleaning etc and home schooling DH has an office job so is wfh. He's gone down to 80% of salary but still working 5 days cos he's busy.

I've told him I can't cope anymore. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm obese and BAME. I'm not sleeping. I literally wake 3-4 times a night.

I'm doing all the food planning etc I don't know if I'll have a job at the end of all this. I worry about DH job too.

I think he should either actually work 4 days or take time off to just give me a day off.

I feel ridiculous and sure if I could just sleep I would be fine. We have a gorgeous garden and kids never want to go out they want to play indoors (not on screens just dolls etc).

Home schooling is tough. I'm so fed up. I'm so so fed up and everyone is a priority over me - I feel I'm at the beck and call of everyone

I am working from home 5 days a week while Dh works out the home 5 days a week. It's a struggle. You need to look onto developing more positive coping strategies. He shouldnt need to use annual leave if you are not working. Lower your standards there are toys throughout my house currently. I am doing the bare minimum of home schooling while I reply to emails with the other hand. Only do what you can do and dont beat yourself up about it

Could you get to a pharmacist and buy some Nytol? It's really good for resetting sleep and calming down generally.

Otherwise, I'd make sure to go out for at least an hour on your own a day.

Stop fretting over tidying, it doesn't matter if it's a shit hole for a while.

Stop doing the try hard cooking. Easy meals.

Try to tell your DH how you feel and ask for support.

Have a think about your relationship as a whole without putting any pressure on yourself to do anything about it.

In fact, decide to take the pressure off yourself all round. What actually matters?

Get up and hour before kids
Washing on , shower , teeth brush , hair for you , eat your breakfast , wipe round kitchen
All can be reasonably done before kids get up

30 mins in afternoon , unload washer , wash lunch pots. wipe round kitchen.

Evening once hubby is home run round quickly with Hoover whilst he entertains the little ones
Put washing away ect

It's not difficult , if you can bring yourself to dust ect then dont , explain to him your weight is preventing you and let him do it

PS hope you feel better soon, you are not alone in feeling crap

Seriously though...
Your kids are a good age, Food planning should not be a stressful job.?
I think yabu for wanting your husband to take annual leave when a) he is busy at work and b) you're at home too.
Extra time on devices wont kill your kids for a few weeks if youre finding it a bit much.

Dodnt think could work on fiurlough

I’m very confused about the responses to the thread so far. Normally on MN they would be calling your show a useless CF and telling you to LTB.

I don’t think him takin annual leva rid necessarily the best choice atm especially if he’s already taken a pay cut. That leads me to believe his work is not that secure and taking annual leave in the middle of this may look bad.

However you need to discuss with your DH and tell him you can’t cope with all this stress and you need him to pull his weight with the housework.

Also if I were you I’d chill on the homeschooling.

Can you speak to your gp and get help op? You’re not well and not coping, the first step has to be to give your gp a call and see what support or medication you can get to help you through this.

Sorry OP but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. I think there are things you can do. Ease down with cleaning/tidying/homeschooling. How much work are you trying to get them to do? Aim for an hour a day. That’s enough. You don’t have to do everything the school sends through. Pick one thing a day. If the weathers nice we do none of it and spend the day in the garden. Get kids to help with chores. An hour of each day can be your kids helping around the house. Put up and away all the tiny little toys. Needs must. I’ve put away all the marbles because my kids just want to chuck them around and it’s a nightmare. There are other non-nightmare toys. How much time are you spending cooking each day? Breakfast is toast, lunch is quick sandwiches and do a couple of evenings with chuck in the oven ready meals. You should be aiming for as little time per day on family meal prep as possible. If you’re spending hours each day baking. Stop. You need to do a daily schedule and see what cheats you can make. Are you hoovering every day? Stop. It’s not needed. Are you changing bed sheets every week. Stop. Are you doing any ironing. Stop. Buy onesies of amazon and let the kids live in them. Are you bathing kids every day. Stop. Go to once a week and baby wipes in between for bottoms and feet. This is lockdown. Nobody’s visiting. Nothing has to be clean. Cheat.

Sorry op, but this is all about your anxiety. From a purely practical pov, you haven't got a lot to do. Unless you're putting far more effort in to homeschooling and cleaning than you need to be. My dc are 9&11 and I'm not involved at all in their homeschooling. We have breakfast, they open their computers, do the work. I potter around doing the chores/gardening/sunbathing/answering questions if required. That isn't said to be smug. I'm trying to say this doesn't need to be as stressful as you're making it. Have a complete day off this long weekend, and sleep!

I've been waking a lot in the night and feeling quite overwhelmed at times with all the uncertainty. One thing that worries me is my husband is obese and asthmatic. But on the positive side, he's using the lockdown to walk a lot and try to eat less. If you could make a goal of losing weight it might make you feel a little more in control?

How old are your dc? I'd sort a timetable, school work in morning, lunch then independent play/tv while you put your feet up for a bit. Rewards system for kids clearing up their toys. Down time, reading later on. Could DH do bedtime a couple of days a week while you go out alone. Fresh air may help you sleep. Review your diet too. Re kids and garden, would they enjoy a little play house or pop up tent?

YANBU those first few responses are a crock of shite.

I've asked DH to take 1 day off a week for the next few weeks as I can't cope. Housework and cooking standards already dropped as low as they can go without living in an actual pigsty.

OH recognised I'm on the edge of a breakdown and agreed. As you would expect from a supportive OH

Solitary confinement is used as punishment in prison fgs, that's how bad it is

YABU
Dh is at work 5 days. He's not here. I'm now working from home 4 days. Both teens are trying to work on laptops. I am seriously struggling.

I asked Dh to work from home last Friday, because I just couldn't cope with it anymore, which he did.

Now is not the time to ask for a holiday!

He needs to help you more in the evenings and weekends.

You also need to get some help for your anxiety. I can understand why it's spiraling but I wouldn't wait for it to get worse.

FWIW I'm FT WFH with a crap sleeper of a toddler and a primary aged child and I'm spending a good portion of my day in tears at the moment. It's an awful time. You're not alone in feeling exhausted and overwhelmed so handhold.

Well done to pp who all have angelic DC too

Sorry YABU

All you've got to do is cooking cleaning and a bit of home schooling

You should use the evenings when the kids have gone to sleep to go for a work and work on getting your obesity under control - exercise if really good for helping get a good nights sleep

Ask DH to do bath time and bed time instead

I think that in normal circumstances you are struggling and your Dh should take leave - but these aren’t normal circumstances and most people have doubts about their jobs security, so taking leave in SOME work places would be viewed badly.

Can you get a routine going - someone up there’s suggested a fab one where you get up an hour earlier. Order Nytol (the one a night Tablet’s) online or pick some from a chemist. Do your headspace. Speak to your doctor if you are thinking of hurting yourself.

Everyone is struggling to a degree right now, so get some help and don’t be ashamed. You need to be proactive to keep yourself well for your family though.

Does your DH know how you feel? Can you use the half hour at lunch to go for a walk?

For those querying the 80% a lot of companies have cut wages for those who are still working. Both my daughters have had their wages cut to 80% despite still working full time. It was accept that or the companies were going to be looking at redundencies.

Tbh, I am still working and working from home.

If annual leave isn't booked, you arent getting it at the moment. But, in all honesty, I would expect annual leave to give us both a break. My partner, as its stressful having the kids all day. But i would expect some downtime as well. Its not a walk in the park, working either.

Its shit for everyone. But you do need help for your anxiety. I also think you need to calm down and step back and not out so much pressure on yourself At some point, he will likely be going back to work and the virus will still be here.

You need a break! YANBU

It is exhausting, really deeply draining, and the endless 247 nature erodes away. The monotony if nothing else.

It is the bank holiday this weekend, he needs to take the children out for three hours for a walk, ride, picnic. Whatever and you need to switch off. Bath, do your nails, listen to your own music, watch a box set. He cooks with the children when he comes home, whilst you rest.

I understand what you are saying.

Just a bit of cooking and cleaning?! You can tell these people have no idea, either no kids or no standards on the cleaning front. I haven't stopped cleaning and cooking around the clock since this started. It is a mess every minute, it is tiring and soul destroying, and hard work doing the homeschooling as well. Constantly being at everyones beck and call.

These are for you and - I am sorry there are so many unhelpful posts, but I stand with you. Take this weekend off, and if you still feel this bad after then book the annual leave. YADNBU

Also agree with @wtfdoipick - my company, and many of my friends, have either been furloughed or been asked to cut their salaries by 20%. It’s causing resentment at my place for some as they are wondering why they can’t be furloughed instead, but attitude to this has been noted I think, and raises people’s head for the redundancy firing line.

Thanks @Biscuit0110 !

I was just putting tea in the oven - I've done a quickish tea got some mince and put spices in it for kebabs.

Kids are 8 & 5. They're actually gorgeous people and play well together

I've just described the f&ck it bucket to them and they've tidied up after tears! DH came in to ask what what the commotion was and I said look I'm jsut not coping well. I know I should be coping but I'm not. He then said should be vaccum while the floor is clear - I said please don't ask me just do it if it's something you want to do and you feels doing. I think that's half the battle too constantly being asked what needs doing. At the weekend he'll prioritise the garden I know it's his down time but I feel the house needs sorting out.

Homeschool I'm really not pushing them too hard. I do a book a day reading with the 5 year old and some phonics and maths. the 8 year old is set work so I direct her but it's more the encouragement neither of them want to do it they jsut want to play!

Neither do they want to play outside they want to play inside!

Nah YANU, he can take an odd half day. DH is lording it here. I wfh on the sofa and I
don't see him from 9 to 8pm. Convieniant! I was cracking up. He has holidays and can bloody take them. He can take a longer lunch even and let you go for a walk. Feck home schooling and get things for the garden to get them out, give them a cloth and water, use this time to train them up. Lighten up on yourself

On jobs - I'm furloughed but in a sales role so my income has fallen no bonus/commission and basic is low.

DH he is getting paid 80% and expected to only work 4 days

But he is working 5 as busy and to be honest he's doing the right thing to save his job