To ask my husband to take annual leave

[MindBoggles]

I'm furloughed - I have two school age kids.

It's been 6 weeks now. If me doing all the cooking cleaning etc and home schooling DH has an office job so is wfh. He's gone down to 80% of salary but still working 5 days cos he's busy.

I've told him I can't cope anymore. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm obese and BAME. I'm not sleeping. I literally wake 3-4 times a night.

I'm doing all the food planning etc I don't know if I'll have a job at the end of all this. I worry about DH job too.

I think he should either actually work 4 days or take time off to just give me a day off.

I feel ridiculous and sure if I could just sleep I would be fine. We have a gorgeous garden and kids never want to go out they want to play indoors (not on screens just dolls etc).

Home schooling is tough. I'm so fed up. I'm so so fed up and everyone is a priority over me - I feel I'm at the beck and call of everyone

There has already been a lot of really good advice on here but I would add that you should try to get outside for a walk yourself every day. I’m getting up early to go for a run and that’s been hugely helpful.

Also, I don’t give my children a choice about going out to the garden to play, they get pushed out and told to get on with it just like they would have to at school. That gives me time to do a quick tidy up to keep things ticking over.

Still completely knackered but it helps make things a little easier mentally.

If you can sleep listening to music then try some Tibetan singing bowl music on YouTube - it is so relaxing - bowl.

Some of them last for 10 hours - so if you do wake up it is still going and should hopefully send you back to sleep. I use these when away from home as I find it hard to get to sleep in strange places.

If you don't like that one try some others - some have other nature noises on - some don't.

Thank you @Merename currently watching Becoming and getting a lot of strength from watching a strong woman like Michelle Obama.

I am not angry with people who have said iABU. I'll take it on the chin. I just hope no one perhaps in a worse place than me comes on this board as some comments are very cutting - I have taken some amazing points on board and have some ideas for tomorrow to make the day easier

Thank you @PaddingtonsHat and to those offering really productive advice.

I hope my cry for help has helped some others too

Thank you @Biscuit0110

You're both working 8+hours a day so it's not unreasonable for "work" ie parenting and house stuff to be shared outside of this. Its a bit of a cop out on anyone WFH to completely absolve themselves from any household responsibility. If he lived alone he would need meal plan, shop, prepare/eat 3 times a day, and clean his home. If he starts work at 8.30, what can he do before that, can he take a bit longer for lunch and then give you a break, finish a bit earlier and then do it a bit more in the evening. It's about being flexible and sharing the load.

@Merename
You cant be serious ? So husband is working all day and OP is stay at home but yet somehow in a full day cant manage a bit of cleaning up , ridiculous
OP says teo school age young children also so I'm assuming these are 5/6 years old , whilst my DD is younger than this I have 2 x very boisterous nephew this age and they can be entertained and left to do independent tasks for very small periods of time , my nephews would both sit and colour and paint and I could do tasks in the house whilst they did this
OP cannot reasonably expect her husband to jeopardise his job because somehow watching two young children is beyond her , that's all she has to do all maintain the childrens safety and entertain them , my DD is at the crawling age she is into everything but still manage to do the housework , I also work part time and DH full time , I wouldnr dream of asking him to take annual leave

If he starts work at 8.30, what can he do before that, can he take a bit longer for lunch and then give you a break, finish a bit earlier and then do it a bit more in the evening. It's about being flexible and sharing the load.

Why is this the assumption?

I am wfh. I cant just take longer lunches or finish early. Especily at the moment.

Things should be 50:50 outside working hours. Op says she knows the work he is doing is to try and save his job.

I spent the last 4 weeks working loads more hours, while my team were furloughed. The aim if those of use working, was to keep the company together until our H&S was sorted and approved by the HSE. Logging off at 4 just isn't an option.

I have one team member back and we are unfurloughing. Again, we are still working to keep money coming in.

But yes, it should be 50:50 outside work. But that means 50:50. So he should be getting breaks as well as op.

smile So you have one baby and you are dishing out advice to others with more children, when you have zero experience of home school?! Or the impact lockdown is having on older children

I am not sure op will be taking any lessons from you!

I like the tent in the garden idea, this is what we did a few summers ago and it was great, confine all toy mess to the tent and get it out of the house!

Your children are young enough to be told to go outside, if you want them to go outside more then take them outside more and tell them that's what we're doing today. They are also perfectly capable of helping with some tasks around the house and certainly tidying up after themselves, don't they do this?

I don't think you can ask DH to take time off personally. I wouldn't feel comfortable doing so with the current climate although if his employer has specifically said they are encouraging it maybe that's a different matter. I certainly don't think you can ask for a whole day every week though.

But I do get it. You need to find ways of making the day easier though because I do agree with others that it shouldn't be this hard.

Imo there is nothing wrong with a bit of screen time in the day whilst you get some chores done, get them outside (tent idea again I really like for the mess), get them helping with the smaller chores and definitely clearing up their own things, have a day off from home schooling to just catch up with a bit of sleep, it really won't be the end of the world to just do nothing for one day and it might just give you chance to recharge your batteries.

Lack of sleep skews your perspective on everything. It's very hard and can heighten anxiety and depression even in people who normally don't have issues with those things. Have you tried nytol or anything like that? If you can get a couple of good nights you might re-set your body.

OP.

I think you have had some thoroughly nasty responses on here, alongside a few helpful suggestions. WFH should not, as others (disappointingly few ) have said, completely absolve your husband from doing some work around the house, or from taking on some of the mental load and planning, particularly as you're doing all the home-schooling, housework, cleaning and cooking etc. The mental load part is important, IMO. That should not be left entirely to one person.

Another suggestion: avoid tv/social media as much as possible - all the current tropes about happy home-schooling parents, people doing 'gym' using their kids as weights, doing arts and crafts activities with their constantly-happy children etc. just make anyone who is struggling with this feel even worse than they already do.

Can your dh do lunch for you all on his 30 minute lunch break just to give you a bit of respite. Get out into the fresh air with the kids for as long as you're allowed. Hopefully primary schools will be the first kids to go back.

Yes, @Smilebehappy123, come back to us when you have more than one child full time and let us know how that perfect mothering is working out. I sincerely hope it isn’t hellish for you, but it is for some people and it is so shocking to me the way people are piling on here.

It's been a tough old thread to read! AIBU can be tough! Yes @Smilebehappy123 I don't think you have a clue sorry (or not sorry). You've got one baby.

Last night it was DH who couldn't sleep well - so he didn't want to keep disturbing me and left to sleep in spare room. Also he didn't wake me up so I have slept pretty much 1230-830. The 8 solid hours I know will make a huge difference!

Social media definitely doesn't help!

Isn’t tomorrow a bank holiday? Can you discuss with him now making sure you get a rest? A lie in, then a walk around the block before you do anything with the kids? Then a nice day together and an early night (relaxed because the next day is also a weekend?)

Oh, and get kids doing some of the housework. I have similar aged kids and have recently become single. Things I have learnt they can do:

• Lay table, clear table, wipe table
• Put washing up away in low cupboards
• Load and start washing machine (so long as I’ve left it on the right setting)
• Take recycling out (they don’t do the main bin as it’s ‘icky’)
• Water indoor and outdoor plants
• sort washing and deliver it to the correct rooms
• put their own clean washing away
• Clear up all of their own toys
• strip beds for washing

I didn’t ask them to do any of this before lockdown and they do it all now. Try them! They might surprise you

Sleep is a game changer. Hope you can take something positive from this thread. None of us should be made to feel bad for finding this hard or asking for help.

What a strange thread. My work are actively encouraging people to take AL so it doesn’t build up (for wellbeing purposes but also so they’re not screwed when everything opens back up). I know firms that are insisting people take AL before June. Why are people so anti the dh taking AL when his wife is struggling?

Thanks @PaddingtonsHat @MsJaneAusten

Yes I have taken away the positives - working in sales I've dealt with sharky people as I call them and I think some people responding were being sharky but I didn't take the bait! I just think people really need to be sensitive to other's mental well-being. It's obvious that I'm struggling incredibly - I have thought of self harm - yet people have taken it upon themselves to criticise.

However I am grateful for the brilliant responses - some fantastic advice that I will carry out post lockdown!

When we are both working we have outside child care - after school club and a childminder.

I think deffo also at the age of 8 & 5 they need to be taking more responsibility

I will carry the advice post lockdown too I meant.

I do actually think for DH well-being he needs a break he hasn't had a day off (bar weekend) since Xmas

Sorry you're struggling. But YABU. I have friends struggling full time work and home schooling (one parent works 7-1 and another does 1-8 or something whilst the other looks after the kids). I have single mum friends also working full time and doing home schooling. Yes, it's hard and I don't pretend it isn't. You're doing a great job!

Op are you open to doing less? Is cleaning linked to your anxiety?

Designate activities to particular spaces. They can play with their Playmobil in their rooms, the living room is for book work and break happens in the garden. Routine, routine, routine, start the day with a 20 minute PE session (their Dad can be the gym teacher). Set up an obstacle course in the garden and supervise them from the kitchen with a cup of tea.

I am not suggesting that you aren’t having a difficult time of it but from what I’ve read a lot of the pressure comes from your anxiety, from the pressure to constantly be cooking and cleaning.

Your H doesn’t need to take annual leave to support his wife and children.

You need a day off. You’re not getting any time off.

I know myself that doing my job is easier than intense 24/7 childcare. Because I have time to concentrate, personal space. It’s easier. My job isn’t easy (I wish!) but the privacy and focus that working allows is less exhausting. It just is.

So your H is working hard but he obviously just does not get it.

He should devote a day to relieving you of all childcare and housework so you can just sleep, whether that’s annual leave or on the weekend.

To be fair the Op’s actual situation is much easier than most people’s. The reason I know this is that it is similar to mine - I have kids of a similar age, dh currently wfh with a job that is in an industry that is collapsing around his ears. The only difference is that I am working 25- 30 hours a week as well. But I would still say that I have life a lot easier than the majority - those with pre schoolers or kids with special needs or who both work full time and particularly those who are risking their lives every day to keep the country going.

That doesn’t mean that the Op isn’t finding it hard though. She obviously is. It just means that the stressors are more internal (her anxiety) than external. So she needs to focus on them.

The big problem is that she isn’t sleeping. If you are not sleeping then frankly putting your pants on in the morning is a struggle. As a fellow sufferer of what I call “swirly head” (everything just swirls around my head stopping me from sleeping I would really really advocate exercise.

You need to be physically shattered every day. I try and make sure that my legs ache with exhaustion when I get into bed as then I just collapse and fall asleep before my silly brain can start with all the “what ifs”.

Exercise will also lift your mood and is something proactive you can do about your Covid fears. (Going out for a long but brisk walk every day will prevent you gaining more weight, it will improve your lung function and it will get you a nice dose of vitamin d.)

smile So you have one baby and you are dishing out advice to others with more children, when you have zero experience of home school?! Or the impact lockdown is having on older children

Absolutely agree! One docile baby compared to 2 active primary school children requiring home schooling!! You have no clue smile