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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask my husband to take annual leave

159 replies

MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 16:59

I'm furloughed - I have two school age kids.

It's been 6 weeks now. If me doing all the cooking cleaning etc and home schooling DH has an office job so is wfh. He's gone down to 80% of salary but still working 5 days cos he's busy.

I've told him I can't cope anymore. My anxiety is through the roof. I'm obese and BAME. I'm not sleeping. I literally wake 3-4 times a night.

I'm doing all the food planning etc I don't know if I'll have a job at the end of all this. I worry about DH job too.

I think he should either actually work 4 days or take time off to just give me a day off.

I feel ridiculous and sure if I could just sleep I would be fine. We have a gorgeous garden and kids never want to go out they want to play indoors (not on screens just dolls etc).

Home schooling is tough. I'm so fed up. I'm so so fed up and everyone is a priority over me - I feel I'm at the beck and call of everyone

OP posts:
minipie · 06/05/2020 17:57

I felt like this on maternity leave. DH did take time off and it didn’t really help as the problem was in my head. I had PND with hindsight. Everything felt like a mountain.

I think the key is to try improving things just a little bit at a time. The more times you manage to have a decent day, the more capable you will feel.

Lower your standards. Look at what you can cut out. Is there a room you can designate as a playroom and just allow it to be messy (child’s bedroom perhaps). So less pressure to tidy. Have a bucket to scoop anything in the kitchen into at mealtimes.

Ditch any home school except maths and English. Tell yourself if some other stuff gets done, great, that’s a bonus but not a requirement. It depends on the day.

Can you swap round home schooling so they do something not requiring help while you get lunch? eg joe wix can be done on catch up at 12 if that works better for you.

Do take your daily exercise. Maybe go for a walk at 6pm while your oh has the kids?

Don’t worry about what other people are doing/managing. Get off social media and it’s boastery. Don’t feel under pressure to be baking and educating etc all the time. If they are playing happily, great, that’s a win.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/05/2020 17:59

Op, if your kids want to play inside all day, just let them play inside all day.

DelphiniumBlue · 06/05/2020 18:00

If you're exhauste, stressed, and anxious, it's no help people telling you that you shouldn't be.
What you can do is take some control. Focus on getting exercise and sleep- you can go out for walks/runs. You can take your children with you, or you can leave them at home with DH even if he is working. They are school age, they don't need 1:1 attention 24/7. They can amuse themselves for an hour while you are out. If the house catches fire or there is some other actual emergency, there is an adult in the house to deal with it, otherwise, they can all just get on with it.
Go to bed early if you think you might sleep better then.
Get the children to help with food prep and chores, and to tidy up after themselves. Get them out for walks ( not your walk/run, but something to tire them out.) DH could take them after work, or you can.
You can't control what happens to your Mum, it is up to her what she does. Worrying won't help.Turn off the news if it disturbs you, and find something soothing to do before bed - I've started re-reading children's books as a way to de-stress before before going to sleep, if I listen to the news I can't sleep.
Anxiety and stress all about control, or lack of it, so have a good think about what aspects of your life you can control, what you can do that will have an impact.
I think lots of people are finding this time very hard for all sorts of reasons, you are not alone.

GherkinsOnToast · 06/05/2020 18:02

If your kids are young enough to be playing with LOL, Sylvainians etc. then they are young enough to be told that lunch is in the garden and they must be outside for a certain amount of time each day. We often have lunch outside then put out blankets and they play, ride scooters etc. Being outside helps my MH too.

For meals - mine eat a lot of picnic plates etc for lunch - simple plates of tomato, cucumber, strawberries, ham, some crisps and a drink. I only cook once a day. They also help with meals, they can get plates, clear tables, pack dishwasher. Mine are perfectly capable of hoovering (they whinge like the world is ending) make them do a few things around the house too - small chores. Do you have a slow cooker? can you put on slow cooker meals then you can forget about it all day.

Can you get them out for a walk? just around the block once a day is fantastic for everyone's mental health. Or can DH do bath time and you can go for a walk.

Drogonssmile · 06/05/2020 18:04

OP is there any way for you to get any really early nights in? I.e. going to bed pretty much as soon as the kids are settled? That's how I've been coping with my own anxiety/juggling problems. I still wake in the night and have to get up early with the kids and then I'm working all day too (keyworker) but having that extra sleep in the evening does help take the edge off the emotional exhaustion. DH moans that I'm spending no time with him but tough. He should help more with the kids.

Glitteryone · 06/05/2020 18:08

Sorry OP I think you are being a tad unreasonable....

You need to get your anxiety under control and get better organised at home.

Ummusomebody · 06/05/2020 18:12

I also don't understand why it's a hard time for people to take annual leave. My DH's work have asked that they please take some of their annual leaves now even though they're super busy. Surely what you don't want is everyone taking 4 weeks off come September

ElbasAbsentPenis · 06/05/2020 18:15

No idea why everyone’s shitting all over the OP here. Of course it’s fine to ask your DH to take annual leave. Why not? Many companies are actively encouraging people to use their annual leave.

6 weeks of non-stop doing all the drudgery & homeschooling with no access to any of anyone’s normal coping mechanisms while there’s a massive global fucking pandemic going on that is statistically likely to be more dangerous than average to you and your loved ones is stressful and anxiety provoking. How could it not be??

Look after yourself, OP. Ask for your husband’s support. These are really difficult times and needing a break doesn’t make you weak or crazy or otherwise pathological. It would be weird if you were totally OK with it all, frankly. Flowers

Candyfloss99 · 06/05/2020 18:19

Why can't you sleep? Is it because the children wake up in the night and you want your husband to sort them instead of you? Otherwise how will him taking annual leave help you sleep?

QforCucumber · 06/05/2020 18:20

I think you're being a bit UR but probably more because neither of you are used to it. DH and I both work outside the home full time and are finding wfh and entertaining DS a nightmare, I'm snowed under busy with work pretty much on the laptop 8-6. Meals are planned at the weekend, lunches are soups or jacket potatoes, simple things which dont need thinking about. Ds has to tidy up what hes doing before starting anything else. It's hard, but you need to adapt to the new normal.

regularbutpanickingabit · 06/05/2020 18:21

Sunshine and sleep work wonders with that awful, constantly tearful anxiety.

Don't ask the kids if they want to go outside, they will say no because they are happy doing what they are doing. You need to find a way of just getting the three of you out there for at least an hour a day.

Have you got any big boxes? Chuck all the little bits of dolls and stuff in those and take them outside, with a rug or blanket.

Get them to make a fairy tree or a village or a school or whatever play they like doing with the dolls.

Take out simple drinks and snacks - fruit, cheese, yoghurt, raisins, crisps - whatever comes in a packet without any stress.

If you can, get them to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner outside. Just set it up, get them to 'lay the table' on a rug. Picnic style. They get to choose the plates etc.

Just sit with them. Don't worry about 'doing' anything. Just be outside. Get some air. Get the sun on your face.

A bowl of water and a flannel can waste hours with plastic tat toys. Get them washing everything and anything. Again, outside. They are getting benefit without any stress.

Get them to set up their own mini obstacle courses so they can race each other or race the dolls. They don't need to actually go fast, just get their legs moving.

Crayons and paper and tracing tree bark or peoples or patio or anything. Just to buy another 10 mins in the garden.

Book a time each day that your husband can keep an eye on them whilst you take a walk. It can just be for 20 mins whilst he has lunch. Just go. The first time will feel impossible. After a few days it will be part of the routine and it won't be so hard. Stick some music or a podcast or something in your ears if you need an incentive.

The lack of sleep is horrific and makes everything worse. Being out of the house means less mess to clear up (chuck it all back in big boxes and don't think about it again) and a more genuine physical tiredness.

If you wake up, try and find a way of calming down. Go to the loo, get a drink, listen to the calm app if that works for you (makes me more awake but seems to work for others!), write a list of all your worries so you can forget about them whilst you sleep.

It doesn't matter if other people can cope. It really doesn't.

See if your dh can take a couple of long weekends with leave rather than a week or so. He might be more open to that and it spreads things out for you. Nothing worse than him taking leave and using that as an excuse to do even less!

When he wants to do the garden at the weekend then the kids need to be out there with him. He can get them to help or set them a task. Carve yourself an hour to do your own thing and then crack on with the essential jobs.

Foodwise, keep it simple. Make one/refrigerate or freeze one. So double quantities, half the decisions.

It all feels overwhelming but one little thing at a time. You can do it.

Di11y · 06/05/2020 18:25

I really sympathise. I was in tears last week wfh with a 6yo and 2yo. one thing that's helped a bit is letting the girls have a movie after lunch once they've ticked off the items on the tick list ie. basics like teeth and dressed but also tidy up and x y z school work. we'll do a blitz before the movie.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/05/2020 18:27

Did people coming on to say how they are working from home with 7 DCs and yabu miss the part where the OP was scared she might hurt herself?

Op, if you feel this way you should call your gp first thing tomorrow. Use the long weekend for long sleep-ins - your DH can take over, no matter what that means for the house or the cooking. Your level of anxiety is really high and you should get more help Flowers

TonyChestnut · 06/05/2020 18:27

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for some time to yourself and support from your DH. You've told him you're struggling and he doesn't sound like a monster, so just ask him.

As an aside, should he not talk to his employers and explain that working 4/5ths isn't proving possible and he is still working full-time so can they revert his salary to what his contract says. They are taking the piss!

Misspretty · 06/05/2020 18:28

Don’t be too stressed about the home schooling and get them to play with their dolls etc outside

MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 18:29

Thank you @regularbutpanickingabit and @ElbasAbsentPenis - for the suggestions and understanding.

We are all going to head for a walk after we have eaten. I was managing more exercise and therefore sleeping better.

Yes I know it's about what is in our control and what's not - but it doesn't stop you feeling out of control.

Yes I do get them with their little toys outside and they do that sometimes. I just need to get them to do it more often.

OP posts:
MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 18:29

Sleep for me is totally psychological - my anxiety takes over and keeps me awake

OP posts:
Lurkingforawhile · 06/05/2020 18:29

My employer is encouraging us to take leave as normal so it's not all wanted at the same time when we return. Maybe ask what his employer's policy is on this.

SeaViewBliss · 06/05/2020 18:31

When I get very anxious and stressed, one of the first things I do is simplify food. When I shop I buy lots of freezer stuff, only have quick and easy foods. It’s not always the healthiest but doing it for a week takes a bit of pressure off.

Lack of sleep makes everything feel worse. I feel for you. Hope you feel better soon Flowers Brew

guanciale · 06/05/2020 18:31

how does you being obese and BAME relate to anything?

YABU seems like you are allergic to your kids, if you don't experience this when you're normally in work not furloughed

MindBoggles · 06/05/2020 18:32

Obesity and BAME higher risk at death from covid

OP posts:
Somethingkindaoooo · 06/05/2020 18:38

Generally he'll ask me what's cooking etc

That question makes me want to punch people in the face.

If he's allowed to take leave, he should
Our company wants everyone to take leave now, and not when things re-open, as it will be so much busier.

lowlandLucky · 06/05/2020 18:40

I think you need a chat with the Doctor. You have everything out of proportion but that is understandable. Your Husband is working 5 days a week so he has 2 days off where he can take over for a few hours.

LST · 06/05/2020 18:42

I think YABU. But understand. You need to save the holiday for when you can go an do something as a family! I'm working ft from home and my partner is working at least 60 hours a week out of the house. My kids have activity books. They can do them or they don't. They're 8 & 6 and I have told the school I won't be 'homeschooling'. Maybe calm down on that. Its crazy times

Hippee · 06/05/2020 18:43

Have you got a tent that you can put up in the garden. Get the kids to play with their toys in there and then there's less to clear up in the house (My friends have a lego shed - no lego allowed in the house).

Try to ring your GP about the sleeping - a friend of mine had terrible PND but it was all sleep related - she was prescribed a sleeping pill and her anxiety cleared up. If you can nail the sleeping, perhaps you can feel more in control.

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