To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

@ScreamedAtTheMichelangelo make me feel very sad for NT kids living with kids with diagnosed behavioural issues ... so that they could get away with stuff/get some attention from time to time.

Good point. I say that as a parent to a SN child and a NT (oldest)child. We work especially hard to make sure our oldest child doesn't go without our time, and is treated the same as her sibling. In this scenario, there is NO way I would prioritize my SN child especially as oldest child would also be "fine" with her sister having the bigger room.

@SinkGirl He has two neurological conditions. Saddened but not at all surprised to see people dismissing the results of that as “bad behaviour”

It's no excuse for - what actually is - bad behaviour. This thinking that children with ASD and ADHD aren't capable of "bad" behaviour (or that we can't call it out) is damaging to the actual people you are claiming to defend. We work HARD to get across to our dd that there absolutely IS a difference between her ASD/Anxiety behaviours, and naughty behaviour and we all (inc her) know what is what.

She is 11, and gets it. We know when it's anxiety/autism related and when it's not, and by the looks of it, so does op.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, - op's own words. She didn't say "his autism is making life hard for him at the moment" or "he is in autistic meltdown mode at the moment" - so clearly this is not his usual behaviour.

No, you shouldn’t give him the master bedroom, as

1. there are 2 of you and one of him = you & dh share biggest room
2. If the smaller room is big enough fir you & dh’s bed (double? kingsize?) tgen it is plenty big enough to be a comfortable single teenager room
3. It wouldn’t be fair on his (less entitled) sister. Even if she says she’s ok with it, it screams favouritism
4. Compromise is an essential life skill
5. It would reward bad behaviour

I have an ASD teen and I understand the pressures. I am also not a complete walkover and ensure that they do their school work and stick to boundaries.

I feel sorry for your dh to be honest, working his arse off and you disregarding his opinions.

One of my children had a bedroom so small that there was only room for one single bed and the cupboard had to be outside in the hallway. They also had to share that room with the heating boiler.

Did not stop them from spending most of their time in there, gaming....

No don't give your DS the bedroom, I agree with your DH.

No way! 2 people sharing get the master bedroom not a child! Your husband is right.

Bye bye Op 👋

I think it can make sense sometimes for a child to have a larger room than parents. As you say, older children often spend more time there and have more stuff than their parents. It is the only space that is their own, whereas parents have the whole house. It's tricky if that means DD has a very small room, but if she really doesn't mind and you can mange with a double bed and clothes in the smaller room then I'd definitely consider it. It is the easy option just to accept the default of giving the parents the larger room, but it definitely isn't compulsory.

My parents gave my younger sister the master bedroom ( larger and en-suite) when they moved house in her teens (I had gone by then). I think it was partly a sweetener as she didn't want to move and they did. But they also felt she would appreciate the space more than they would. Admittedly the second room was nice and big though.

My DS20 has always had the box room. He has a bed and a desk in there. Always had his play station/computers in his room. Currently doing an exam for University. Your DS would be fine with the box room therefore I agree with your DH.

My point was that the overly simplistic thinking on this thread (he’s badly behaved, they pay the bills so get the bigger room) doesn’t take into account his needs or anyone else’s.

I thought your point was that his "need" to have the biggest room (and it's far from clear that it is a need rather than merely a want) should be prioritised over the needs of everyone else in the family.

If he was in a wheelchair there might be some logic to that.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, - op's own words. She didn't say "his autism is making life hard for him at the moment" or "he is in autistic meltdown mode at the moment" - so clearly this is not his usual behaviour

Well said @differentnameforthis. Rewarding the temporary petulant, stroppy behaviour of a 15 year old boy with a master bedroom and an ensuite? This will cause justifiable resentment from both the daughter and the husband. It is a really bad idea.

agree with all the PP comments that two adults sharing should have the master bedroom, and should not be rewarding stroppy/bad behaviour.

Additionally, if the two smaller rooms are of a similar size, it means the two children are each being treated fairly.

It’s not good to facilitate a child locking themselves away in their bedroom. The children should have the same size rooms and the adults should have the en-suite. Adults have far more need for an en-suite because they don’t want to disturb the whole house by getting up repeatedly for the loo (happens as you get older), getting up early to go out, or having a quick rinse after sex. Do you really want to get dressed and walk to the family bathroom to wash your bits every time you do the deed?

Nope. Parents get the master always

DH and I were in a similar situation with 4 DC in a 2 bed house and we had the bigger bedroom. Despite agreeing that the kids should have it, he would never agree to when we would move it around and in the end we moved house and it became a redundant argument.

So in principal, I am not against children having the larger room as you are quite correct that they spend a lot more time in their rooms than adults do. In terms of use, it would be greatly beneficial for children to have the larger room. Parents have the rest of the house for all their belongings.

But; how old is DD? Is she of an age where she understands DS and his needs plus is she able to have plenty of space when her friends come over? I assume DS might not have so many friends coming over but happy to be corrected.

If DS is being an arse, have you considered that he is struggling with the current set up - moving house, online schooling, not seeing friends and family. Everyone else being at home more... Everything has changed. Just because he is 15 and is different to how he was as a child, doesn't mean he has the emotional and developmental capacity to reconcile this. What support have the school put in place given his diagnosis of ADHD and ASD to ensure he is able to engage in the zoom lessons similarly to his peers - I assume he would have an LSA in school to help keep him on task (it's the job I do and I have ADHD DC myself so I understand somewhat).

But that also doesn't give him the 'right' to have the larger room.

In your shoes, I think I would give him the larger room on the understanding that he has X long to settle down (you know how long it takes him to process things) and you need to see an improvement in his school work in order for him to keep the larger room - make the bedroom the carrot to him having to do things he is currently finding unsavoury.

Otherwise I can guarantee in years to come, his sister will throw this back at you that he gets everything he wants while she has to put up with leftovers. SEN aside, he still has a sister and the sibling relationships and rivalry that will go with it. It doesn't disappear even if on the surface the siblings appear to accept the differences. It makes them more tolerant. But also less likely to put up with crap in their own lives as an adult ime.

PLus, I can see you DH's point. But it also sounds like he is having difficulty dealing with your new reality. Unless he has form for behaving like this.

So your daughter dosent kick up a fuss and gets a small room. Your son kicks off so he gets the master bedroom. Great parenting there 👏🏽 your husband is right. Get a grip

Having ASD and ADHD does not preclude a 15 year old boy from being a complete arsehole who is trying his luck to get something he perceives as better than everybody else.

Worked with lads with both diagnoses. One of the charms about them was when you could look and say words to the effect of 'Stop trying it on/Don't be A Dick' and they'd smile and admit that yes, they were.

The largest bedroom is for two people and it is the decision of the adults that is final, not one child's - and that's from the position of somebody who gave their 2 children the largest bedroom to share. Because there was just one of me and two of them. They didn't ask for it, much less demand it, but were very happy they had it.

No way should 2 adults have to take a smaller room. Your dh is right.

I feel sorry for your dh to be honest, working his arse off and you disregarding his opinions.

Where do you get "working his arse off" from? She literally says "DH's base salary has been reduced and his Commission is practically nil due there being no work."

look on line for some (cheap) furniture or adaptions using what you have - folding tables for desks under & over beds or shelves/those square boxes type cheap units? look on freecycle?
store some of his clothes or bits in your room -put by a section or shelves for him to use perhaps?
Basically op (as a mum of dc now adult) you shouldn't give it - chances are he will still be difficult if you do & what happens than? His reaction is probably more to do with change in moving & in closing of school & I doubt he would be better if you did change rooms

I think the way OP described her son's behaviour herself is proof enough to me that he is behaving badly at the moment, and that this isn't just because of his conditions or his usual behaviour. He's able to function enough to be in mainstream school so yes I would expect a degree of being able to accept not having your own way at home all the time.

And as we've said multiple times, if a room is big enough for a double bed and the clothes of two adults, it is big enough for one 15 year old and their Xbox.

And yes it's likely big enough to study in too. I never needed a full on office set up to study for my GSCEs, I'm not sure why some people think that you do. You can get beds specifically with desk space underneath for this purpose so problem solved (if it's even a problem).

I think rewarding a child that's been a bit of an arsehole at the moment, at the expense of another child and also your husband who pays the bills, it's absolutely ridiculous. It's pandering to the highest order in my opinion and just a further example of the martyr style parenting I keep seeing these days.

He may be struggling with change at the moment, the answer to that isn't giving him the biggest room in the house because he's had a tantrum about it.

Well if he and DH both want the big room then they can share and you get a room to yourself!

Honestly, no he doesn't get the room for all the reasons already given. If he works hard at school and get s a job then he can get his own place with whatever size of room he can afford.

It's not a good situation for anyone and he needs to understand that you all have to make sacrifices. He should be grateful he has a room at all tbh.

Maybe he can get some extra clothes storage in the hallway or elsewhere?

When a child has a neurological disorder that predisposes them to act in ways that are not 'socially acceptable' then its for the parents to provide boundaries that reinforce and help them navigate what is socially acceptable.

Kicking off - is not socially acceptable and so should not be rewarded.

Its a really tough job parenting a child who acts and react differently - especially if they are violent/scary and the best way to get through it is by being united with your dh. This is one situation where you need to unite with him on this imo.

What lesson would you be teaching him really if he throws a tantrum, gets what he wants, despite his father (who is equally his parent) disagreeing with you, despite his sister, and sees you two crammed in a small room to accommodate him?

he works hard to provide for the family

CrystalTip, OP says this in her opening post and also admits it's true that he has sacrificed everything for the DC. It may be 'what you do' when you have kids but I think it entitles him to an opinion on matters like this.

At the end of the day, whether he is working his arse off right now or not, it's still his salary paying the bills.

My kids dont have ASD or AHSD So I wont have the pressure and strains that go along with it and the knowledge / experience of those who have to live in this situation, but I have to agree with most of the comments on here. I would add (and apologies if this has been mentioned before) but you will also be setting up dangerous precedent. What happens when you move house again, does he get yo have the best room room. Worse still if/when he moves out will he still be expecting this same treatment.
You are not showing him he is the most important person in the house , you are actually showing him he is more important than everyone else put together, despite currently being a disruptive influence
I find that kids will normally expect and adapt to what they are given. They may try for more ( and maybe they should) and act unreasonably but they will accept a fair arrangement.
If you want to help him transition with your move, they are other things that you could offer that will be less likely to put the rest of the peoples nose's out of joint.