To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

Nope your husband is right on this one

And your ds needs to buck up around school work.

Parents have master bedroom - 2 others share house bathroom
DS has master bedroom - 3 others, two of whom are adults, share house bathroom.

No brainer, surely?

Is DS in Year 10 or Year 11? If he's in Year 11, I think he can be forgiven for not engaging so much with school work.

So you'll reward his bad behaviour by giving him the best room? Your poor DD. Under no circumstances should be getting the big room unless you want to reinforce his entitled brat attitude.

OK Sinkgirl, so why exactly does he need a bigger room more than his sister (who might actually use it for studying) or his parents (who are two people rather than one, and pay the bills)?

I have an ASD child and am used to neurodiverse logic, which can be difficult to argue with. He sees it as better use of space - but I agree with other posters that you can't meet his needs over those of your DD or your DH, or at least one of them will end up leaving. Your DS will accommodate the change eventually, though it will probably be difficult in the short term. He needs the argument presented as a simple "when you have got qualifications and a job, you will be able to afford whatever home you like. Until then, it's only fair that the people who pay for the house get the biggest room." Repeat this as often as you need to, making eye contact. and don't engage with his counter arguments.

Good luck and

@forsucksfake I had to give my 5 yr old the biggest room as the other room wouldn't fit a quarter of her stuff! Nowhere else to put it!!

Agree with those who say it gives a very bad message to your compliant and non-complaining DD, if you let your stroppy DS have the big bedroom.

Generally, I am not in favour of parents being relegated to the small room. I wouldn't have this even if I only had one child (in fact, having an only child would arguably make it all the more important for them not to rule the roost).

YABU.

You should get the master room.

YANBU. I would let him have it, he's potentially only with you for a short time more before he leaves home.

Your DC will be upset about this move, as you all are. Give them the best childhood you can, then make it up to your DH in other ways and remind him of the many years you will have with just the two of you.
Good luck.

Having the biggest room is a status thing. You'd be telling him that he's the most important person in the house. You'll be undermining you and your husband's status in the home to him, and his behaviour will become even more entitled. And your DD will be firmly put in her place as the least important child, and learn that being sensible and conformist is punished.

You'd be nuts to do this. Seriously.

OK Sinkgirl, so why exactly does he need a bigger room more than his sister (who might actually use it for studying) or his parents (who are two people rather than one, and pay the bills)?

Christ alive. I didn’t say he should get the bigger room, I don’t know what the reasons are, I don’t know this child or this family.

My point was that the overly simplistic thinking on this thread (he’s badly behaved, they pay the bills so get the bigger room) doesn’t take into account his needs or anyone else’s. It’s not as simple as that when you have a child with additional needs. As I’ve said multiple times now, we don’t have to live with whatever the repercussions are for this family, so they need to weigh all those factors up - you can’t be this simplistic about it.

I can't quite get past wondering how a room that fits a double bed in it could be considered not big enough for a teenager? My bedroom growing up was about the size of a double bed, and I never had any trouble studying or sitting on my laptop all day.

Anyway, I agree with everyone else, this would be an absolutely terrible choice for everyone involved.

he's potentially only with you for a short time more before he leaves home.

He's only 15. Realistically he could still be living at home until his mid to late 20s.

To clarify: I meant the oldest child usually has the biggest room out of the children not the biggest in the house.

Where's the op gone?

YANBU. I would let him have it, he's potentially only with you for a short time more before he leaves home.
Your DC will be upset about this move, as you all are. Give them the best childhood you can

What about her DD? How will it help her get over being upset about the move, for her brother to be given the biggest room with an ensuite, while she just gets a downgrade?

My daughter has ASD and anxiety but I'm afraid she is not getting the biggest bedroom to herself when we move. She and her sister will share the largest room, my husband and I will get the next biggest and our son the smallest.
If your son had to share the room it'd be fair enough but he doesn't deserve the biggest bedroom just because he wants it. How often do you give in to him? Is your husband or daughter ever allowed an opinion? You are teaching your son to throw a tantrum to get his own way. In 10 years time you'll be wondering why he can't hold down a job or keep a relationship going.
Having additional needs does not mean his needs are more important than everyone else's. Your husband is right on this.

Having the biggest room is a status thing. You'd be telling him that he's the most important person in the house. You'll be undermining you and your husband's status in the home to him, and his behaviour will become even more entitled. And your DD will be firmly put in her place as the least important child, and learn that being sensible and conformist is punished. You'd be nuts to do this. Seriously

Well said. As a lesson to two adolescent children? It is catastrophic. It teaches the 15 year old son that his mother is prepared to capitulate to his demands no matter how unreasonable. His father and his sister will become increasingly resentful.

On bathrooms alone, it would be ridiculous to give your son the master.

I also agree about the message it would be giving your daughter (I would be out of your home as soon as it was possible if I were her - I wouldn't feel I was valued).

DS1 has a tiny room - we've mounted the monitor on the end of his bed so he can play switch, and he has a folding table for the laptop to do homework if he doesn't want to be downstairs. Small rooms are fine.

Your DC will be upset about this move, as you all are. Give them the best childhood you can

'Them'?

What about the DD's needs in this? How does watching her parents reward her brother's bad behaviour affect her? How does sharing a bathroom with 2 other people while her brother has his own affect her? Negatively in both cases.

No way! If you give in he will grow up thinking the world owes him something. I know he has difficulties but you still owe it to him to give him the best chance in life if not being entitled.

Do you usually make a rod for your own back? No, the master bedroom is for the two adults.

It wouldn't be good for anyone to give him the biggest room, not even him. You get the biggest room because you pay for the house. You need to get on top of his behaviour. Autism isn't an excuse and using it as an excuse wont help him either. Coming from an autistic.

The OP is obviously sticking to her decision but is not happy that most people here took her husband's side. On that basis I would be surprised if she comes back to try and justify herself.

Remember that you have another child!!