To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

I agree with your h. If I was going to give up my room it would be for dd. Do you think that she really doesn't care or that she's saying that in order not to create more stress for you?

I agree with DH. Absolutely not. It's not fair on DD if DS gets the master.

I thought your point was that his "need" to have the biggest room (and it's far from clear that it is a need rather than merely a want) should be prioritised over the needs of everyone else in the family.

Then you have a comprehension issue.

From my posts:
In my view you assign rooms based on all the factors.

Would the smaller room be safe for him, are there other factors?

I don’t know OP’s son so I don’t know what the repercussions on all their lives would be.

Everything has to be considered, not just who’s the oldest and who’s paying the bills.

Why on earth would a smaller room that is still big enough for a double bed and two adults in it not be safe for him?

It's pretty clear that the two adults sharing a room should get the biggest bedroom with the ensuite bathroom and the two children should get a smaller bedroom each and share the family bathroom. That is what is fair based on everyone's needs.

Treating him like a special snowflake every time he acts up is not going to help him prepare for life out there in the big wide world where no one will give a shit about his condition and they will expect him to hold down a job, pay his bills and basically be a functioning adult.

Don’t pander to your DS. It’ll make your DD feel like shit too! Your DH is right on this one

Be a good parent OP. A big fat NO from me.

I agree with your DH. You and your husband are two people, with double the clothes etc.

I know you say your daughter doesn't care, but she might when her brother has a master suite while she's in a box room. What sort of message does that send? 'Your father and I will squeeze into this room and you will squeeze into that room while DS has all of that to himself.'

You say he is doing badly at school work. Then you say you want to give him a large bedroom because he spends a lot of time in there playing xbox. The school work takes priority, make it less attractive to play Xbox!

I don't want to sound unsympathetic about your DS's needs - I have ASD myself so I understand the struggles. But giving him the large room is going about things the wrong way.

Absolutely not, what is his incentive to work hard and get himself a nice house with a nice room for himself. Your poor DD will say nothing and never 'mind' but if you give such blatant favouritism I bet she won't be rushing home to visit once she leaves.

I think the real issue here is not the room as such, but the message it sends to the DD. I wouldn't have a problem with my DD potentially having a bigger room than us if it worked better for us all that way, but she's an only and there's no other child to consider.

Whether she really doesn't mind or not isn't the point: it's more that this is yet another instance where her brother's needs have involved her missing out in some way. It won't be the first, and it won't be the last, because that's just the way it is when you're a NT child with a SEN sibling. But the pattern of behaviour can get frustrating for the child who is getting the thinner end of the wedge through no fault of their own (and no fault of the parents most of the time either, it's just one of those things), so if there's a chance to readdress the balance then it should be taken, IMO. SEN or not, it's our job to prepare children for the outside world wherever possible. Of course some SEN children will never be able to live independently, but many can, and if this will be the case hopefully for your son, I think it's a good age to reinforce compromise and resilience wherever possible to prepare him for life outside the home where he will have to accept non-ideal situations.

I would give him the master bedroom. But then, me and DP already have agreed that if we ever move somewhere where one room is quite a bit bigger than the other, DD has the biggest one. She has more stuff.

I only have an only child though, so wouldn't need to consider DD.

You’re working and paying for the house so you get the master bedroom.

I think this is a wind up given there are 10 pages and OP hasn't responded to any of the comments.

Nottherealslimshady You need to get on top of his behaviour. Autism isn't an excuse and using it as an excuse wont help him either. Coming from an autistic.

This.

It really irritates me the way boys/men with autism are pandered to, whilst girls/women have to get on with it and are often undiagnosed as a result, at great personal cost.

I was basically the DD in this situation, brother always pandered to and had to suck it up. It subtly taught me I had to put everyone else's needs first, and my brother to be entitled. He's found women to look after him all his life, mine has been a disaster as I was open to abuse.

I was also very late (30s) diagnosed with autism. It didn't make me a demanding entitled twat. I worry about the DD here, I wouldn't be surprised if she was quietly slightly autisitc too, hence the compliance.

I also know/babysit a boy who has been flagged up for assessment re. ADHD and ASD. Weirdly the less engaged parent seems to be pushing diagnosis whilst the other parent (they're separated) is also looking at behavioural things/reward systems etc. The latter is working...

OP you cannot possibly reward his bad behaviour with the bigger room, and definitely not favour him over your DD.

I don't think you and DH should have the bigger bedroom because "you're the adults and you pay the bills" (little makes me go off a person faster than the expression such a sentiment), but because there are two of you sharing it and the smaller bedrooms are singles in which each of which one person will sleep.

YABU

I disagree that parents automatically get the 'master' bedroom. Growing up, my mum moved into the smaller room to allow my sister and me to have the 2 bigger rooms as she housed her decorative belongings etc in other rooms.
The massive differences here are that:

1. She was happy to do this and no one was put out, as your DH would be.

1. There was only one of her - not squeezing two adults into a room to please a child.

and 3. Siblings were treated equally.

The biggest problem here for me would be your poor DD who would be treated unfairly in comparison to her brother, however much she says she doesn't mind. It sends the wrong message to both children.

@NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage gets the logic of your case

‘If you’re going to give the big room to anyone other you and DH it should be to your daughter.’

Does that seem feasible? That you & DH be in a just about big enough room so that your daughter can spread out?

Also, you may go to bed to sleep, but what about your DH? Maybe he needs some space?

Your child.should.absolutely not have the master bedroom and you.should give him consequences for being naughty , I like to give my older 2 children house work to do , my 11 year old d's is currently tidying our ds4 bedrooms it's a massive mess and he downloaded Instagram on his phone when he's not allowed social media , I had a text notification to let me know he did it , this week he will be doing the dishwasher every day & hoovering + sorting out ds4s room ...x there are lots of ways to make a small room nice , look for a high sleeper bed with a desk and sofa and put his tv and Xbox on the wall opposite so he's got a home work area and somewhere to sit and play on the Xbox x

Also you will be being very unfair on your dd if you give your d's the larger room especially as. He's badly behaved and she has been very good about hardball room x

I think your husband is right, it's better if you have the master bedroom with the bathroom. Not least because if your son doesn't even have to come out of his room to use the bathroom you'll see him even less. But could you do something clever with storage ideas in your son's room? And/or give him a little study nook downstairs somewhere of his own?

I gave the big bedroom to my daughter, aged 16. But then I'm single. I took the smallest bedroom - ds has the other bedroom. To me, I only go in my bedroom to sleep, whereas dd does everything in her room - zooming her friends, drawing, homework, whereas I have all the downstairs. I wanted her to be happy. I don't think it's about who is the "most important" - you're all equally important, and tbh, I hate it when people say "i'm the most important as I work hard and pay the bills" - er, that's your JOB, kids cant support themselves. They have to rely on their parents for their needs. You might find that ds behaviour might improve if he has his own space. Try not to equate "bad" behaviour with not deserving stuff. He's struggling.

Having said all that you know your child best :) If you think it will encourage him to be more sociable maybe he should have the smaller room, and you have to keep dh happy too. Maybe it will lead to a lot of resentment if your ds gets the big bedroom. My dd had a very small bedroom for years, but I did get her a lovely mid sleeper from IKEA and it had a desk underneath and she could fit all her stuff in. It's a tough one really.

Tbh I don't understand why adults get precious about the master bedroom. One of my sons has the master in our house, he has more stuff than I do and spends more time in it. I sleep in mine and get dressed in there. A big master bedroom is wasted on me and my son gets more use out of it and appreciates it

Nope. You are the adults, wouldnt be fair to your daughter. Maybe a high sleeper for extra space in his room.

I’m with your DH on this one, plus your DD will mind, and by giving her brother preferential treatment in this way you will be setting her a poor example.