To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

You should have the room.

(That said, I really don’t understand the I've sacrificed everything for them” argument. Presumably, he chose to have children?)

SinkGirl, but what about the well behaved dd? Her needs can be disregarded just because she understands and don't complain? She maybe like that because she had to grow up faster than she should, and you don't know what she really feels. It's just not fair. All kids suffer from change, especially to the worse situations.

Which is why I said in my post that they’d need to find some other perk for the DD to balance things.

Yes, change affects everyone, but it affects those with ASD far more. It’s not something you can just tell them to “get over”. OP is the one who has to live with the impact, not anyone here.

@sinkgirl

So what happens if DD kicks off and demands the biggest bedroom? Who gets it?

Yes ,D's might not be able to cope with change as easily as the DD but it doesn't mean he gets his own way at any cost...

The DD will once again be reminded that DSs wants and needs are more important than hers.

Who should get the biggest room if DD now kicks off??

Agree with this. Don't reward bad behaviour.

He has two neurological conditions. Saddened but not at all surprised to see people dismissing the results of that as “bad behaviour”.

Besides that, adults paying the bills should get the bigger room. I'm surprised that's even up for debate tbh.

I’m surprised that people have such a strange idea about these things. A 15 year old can’t pay the bills can they? A 15 year old will need a place to study - is there space for that in the smaller rooms? How much time do you and your DH spend in your bedroom and how much time do your kids spend in theirs? It’s really not as simple as the adults get the biggest room.

Do your kids spend much time together? Any chance of using room dividers to make him a sleeping area in the bigger room and then a sort of lounge / homework area they can share? I realise this is unlikely with the additional needs he has but it’s what we are thinking when the twins get older.

There are 2 of you , of course you need the bigger bedroom

He has both ASD and ADHD. It’s likely not just as simple as him being badly behaved, and the impact of the move on him could be massive.

He's 15 now. How is he going to learn how the world actually works if he gets his way from his parents by throwing a tantrum? He's already not doing his school work and blaming everyone but himself for that.

You cant just shield children with issues from reality forever. It will never work. It's just creating an easy solution short term. He has to understand that life has thrown the family a pile of shit thanks to covid, they have to downsize for now to be able to afford a home, and due to that his room will now be smaller. It's still manageable. He can still have storage and a bed in there. It's just going to require a bit of thinking in how to maximise the space.

They should be asking him how he wants to organise his room, making suggestions, look at ideas online on how to make a smaller room work. Not just giving in and giving him the big bedroom.

sinkgirl I do sympathise with your situation, but 3 year old autistic twins are different from an autistic 15 year old who appears to be attending mainstream school so presumably doesn't have significant learning needs.

Op He will find the change difficult. Any 15 year old is going to find a reduction in circumstances tricky and an autistic 15 year old doubly so. However I agree that if the room is big enough for a double bed and wardrobe it's big enough for a gamer teen. Use a single bed. The issue is the very great disparity he would have with his sister - he would not only get a bigger room, but also an ensuite and a walk in wardrobe neither of which, if he's anything like my autistic teens, he will be particularly interested in.

I guess another option might be to give DD the master suite, give DS a gaming room with your wardrobe in and a bedroom, and you guys sleep in a downstairs room...?

A 15 year old will need a place to study - is there space for that in the smaller rooms?

The OP's daughter needs a place to study too. If a small room is good enough for her, it's good enough for her brother.

I'm with your DH and 93% of everyone.
DD has ASD, is 15 and has some quite challenging behaviour (it's not as simple as being badly behaved and I disagree with posters saying "he has to learn" - ASD doesn't work like that).
Nevertheless - an adult couple gets a bigger room than a single child.

The DD will once again be reminded that DSs wants and needs are more important than hers.

I grew up with a brother with ADHD. I understand what that’s like. There were many times my mother had to prioritise my brother’s needs over what I wanted. Sometimes that pissed me off, but I understood the reasons because we discussed them.

I also now have two children with ASD so also understand what that’s like. A ND child is nothing like a NT child and treating them the same is not equality.

The error in the thinking here is that DS is just being a selfish, stroppy teenager having a tantrum, and that his needs can just be managed with firm boundaries. The implications of these statements are so offensive.

I don’t know OP’s son so I don’t know what the repercussions on all their lives would be. This is not being guilt tripped or held to ransom - this is part and parcel of having a child who has different and additional needs. Everything has to be considered, not just who’s the oldest and who’s paying the bills.

He has two neurological conditions. Saddened but not at all surprised to see people dismissing the results of that as “bad behaviour”.

OP herself says he's being an arsehole at the moment, so clearly it's not his usual behaviour.

I agree with people saying look at all the factors.
How long are you all likely to be in this house? Will you still be there when DS is an adult? Is is less likely to leave home if he’s ensconced in his room or are you expecting him to live at home for years to come.
I liked my tiny box room because it was south facing. I lived in the middle of no where so didn’t get friends over. My brother got the larger room but it was north facing and Baltic.
I’m surprised if anything that DD didn’t want the ensuite. So much easier for periods, sorting hair and makeup with a mess in the main bathroom.

Is his sister used to being "fine" in order to accommodate her brother?

What would you do if she wanted the bigger room?

The OP's daughter needs a place to study too.

I don’t know how old the daughter is, is she also of an age where she may be doing exams in the next year? Obviously I don’t know whether the DS here is doing exams either, that depends on the extent of his needs.

If a small room is good enough for her, it's good enough for her brother.

Their needs are not the same! I’m not sure how difficult this is for some posters to understand.

My boys both have ASD but one also has a visual impairment and other disabilities. They need different things. This is even more true where one child has no additional needs.

@unlikelytobe honestly that made me chuckle 😂

You would be teaching your son that he is the most important meme we of the house.
This is why and how men become entitled twats because parents pander to them.
You have two children and you should treat them equally.

Xbox etc should be in a public room anyway so content and time can be monitored by adults.

I’ve seen MN threads go very much the other way, and say adults shouldn’t have the biggest room.

However, I think in this case as you have two kids you shouldn’t favour one of them by giving them the biggest room when equal treatment is possible.

He's 15 now. How is he going to learn how the world actually works if he gets his way from his parents by throwing a tantrum? He's already not doing his school work and blaming everyone but himself for that

He won't. He will learn that everyone else must be subordinate to him and that this is irrespective of his behaviour. He will learn that in a house of two adults and one sister, he gets the only bedroom with an ensuite. He will see that his father's and sister's resentment of this ludicrous preferential treatment is the price his mother is willing to pay to give him what he wants. He will grow up into a selfish adult. And when he hits the world outside? He will have a rude awakening.

sinkgirl a 15 year old with autism and adhd is still a 15 year old and can still throw their weight around or be unreasonable. My autistic teen takes the mickey, tries it on and is a lazy bugger just like his NT sib. Being neurodiverse doesn't make a person saintly and unable to try it on at any time ever. That is a pernicious framing in a different way.

SinkGirl, the OP's son isn't even doing his homework now. If the logic is that a bigger bedroom is necessary for studying (spoiler: it isn't) then it should be given to the child that actually studies rather than the one who just dicks around on the Xbox.

I don't think you should because
a) he's behaving very badly and should not be rewarded
b) it's unfair on your daughter - ok she's normal and doesn't have his problems, but growing up being treated so blatantly unfairly could cause long term damage for her
c) if the room is big enough for your double bed and wardrobe, it is big enough for a single bed/desk/wardrobe (consider getting one of those semi bunk bed things, a raised bed with desk underneath)
d) he shouldn't be spending so much time in his room, unsupervised, in any case - get the console downstairs and monitor him more closely.

Fuck no!!
Behave badly and get rewarded? What kind of life lesson is that.
He is a child, he gets a child’s room.
Simple.

@BovaryX

Exactly. He will end up like those men we see women complaining about on here. The ones that expect everything to be their way and refuse to do anything for anyone else. Grumpy and moody men who think the world is against them.

It could be stopped now, but there's a time limit on that. Another few years of letting him have his way and you've created another selfish git that someone on here will be complaining about in a few years.

I’ve seen MN threads go very much the other way, and say adults shouldn’t have the biggest room.

Not when the smaller room is described as barely big enough for one child. That's normally when there are 2 children sharing, or the size disparity is much less.

Being neurodiverse doesn't make a person saintly and unable to try it on at any time ever. That is a pernicious framing in a different way.

I never said that. I’m saying that instantly dismissing all of their actions as bad behaviour is ridiculous when you know that they have complex needs from two different conditions.