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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have the master bedroom?

300 replies

NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage · 06/05/2020 04:48

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

OP posts:
happyandsingle · 06/05/2020 14:14

My dd has the master bedroom
Makes more sense as she has loads of stuff and spends a lot more time in there, has sleepovers does her homework in there etc.Most adults only use their rooms to sleep in.

merryhouse · 06/05/2020 14:25

Surely if there's room for a double bed in there there's room to have a single bed and his xbox?

monkeymonkey2010 · 06/05/2020 14:31

I have ASD and ADHD....9 of us in 2 bed house, easiest way to do it was females in one room and males in another.
i had to share a bed with my sister until junior school and then she got
the box room - it only fit a single bed and drawer.

i got that room when she moved out to uni - bliss!

Small enough to have everything within easy reach and no room for anybody else's stuff to be stored or have reason to use.

The master bedroom has a lot of space and you'll end up using it for storage for other stuff - you'll also need that extra, easily accessible space for when you're hiding birthday/xmas etc.
Your son will not like having to share his space in this way....

BrieAndChilli · 06/05/2020 14:31

So 3 of you will be sharing a bath room and your DS will get a bathroom all to himself?
I’m not against kids having the biggest bedrooms but only if all the kids can get a similar size and access to amenities.
You DD will have more clothes, make up etc than a boy plus when a teen will have periods to contend with. I’m sure she’d love a elk in wardrobe and a private bathroom!!

anothermansmother · 06/05/2020 14:39

I agree with your dh parents get the Mayer bedroom. It sets a president of if I kick off enough I'll get my own way if you give in and I say this as the mother of an asd child. It's probably thrown him at the moment with all of the changes and lack of routine but stick to your boundaries and don't give in on the room. He still has his own space with his stuff in, it would be different if they had to share but he doesn't.
Honestly keep the master bedroom.

butterdaisy · 06/05/2020 16:22

@thethoughtfox I don't understand this 'we are the adults so we get the best' attitude. Who needs it more?

That's not the issue though, the issue is the DD feeling less important than her brother if he has the master bedroom and the DS thinking he's the most important because he has a better bedroom than his parents and sister.

Russellbrandshair · 06/05/2020 17:52

@thethoughtfox I don't understand this 'we are the adults so we get the best' attitude. Who needs it more

2 adults require more space and a bigger bed than 1 child so yes, the adults need it more!

Original poster
NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage · 06/05/2020 21:24

Hello everyone, thanks for all your posts. I wanted to gauge opinion and not interfere with the process by posting.

I have to say I agree with the consensus now. Aside from his ASD/ADHD, he is an entitled arsehole and giving in to him would ultimately make things worse. It would also not be fair on DD who is well-behaved and compliant.

I always feel like I’m trying to bribe him. I know he feels inadequate around his friends because we’re poor, so I guess I try to do things to boost his self-esteem. He also doesn’t get the freedom that his friends get, due to his condition, so I’d reasoned that he needed a bigger bedroom as he spends more time in it.

That said, giving him the master would send a very clear message that he’s better than everything else and that wouldn’t be good for anybody, particularly him.

OP posts:
IHateCoronavirus · 06/05/2020 21:29

Ah good for you op. Smile it mustn’t be easy but you are trying your best under difficult circumstances.

LuminousAmber · 06/05/2020 21:41

We have 3 bedrooms - a large master, a double and a single. 3dc ages 12, 10 and 2.

Ds1 and 2 have the master. Dh and I the double. Ds3 the single.

We did it because ds1 and 2 can’t have their own rooms and spend more time in their room than us. And ds3 ‘wins’ because he has his own. It feels like all 3 dc are ‘equal’ in terms of who’s better off.

In your situation though I wouldn’t give one dc a much larger room than another. Dc 2 may be fine with it now but it has the potential to build a lot of resentment.

BrooHaHa · 06/05/2020 21:46

Good choice, OP. If nothing else, think of the bathroom situation! You'd be creating a 3-1 split rather than a sensible 2-2.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2020 21:53

That is good you’ve taken the comments on board!

Vodkacranberryplease · 06/05/2020 21:56

Good for you for working it out. Sending that message to him would be the worst thing ever. Maybe there are other ways he has too much power that are not helping him? Adhd isn't usually an entitled arsehole kind of thing. That's just called being spoilt.
Like dogs boys need to know very clearly where they are in the pack - and to be at/near the bottom. When that messsgd gets confused in the name of 'love' no one is happy - including them. Because power carries responsibility and as a child or teen you aren't able to deal with that.

TickFollowedTock · 06/05/2020 21:58

It might be good to download Blinklist and get todays free book....The Power of Showing up.

Ilovecats14 · 06/05/2020 22:27

No you should not. YABU. My sons very spoilt, if he wants it he will very likely get it, and even I think you are being unreasonable on this one.

TitianaTitsling · 06/05/2020 22:28

Well done OP I was worried about your daughter and how it would affect her knowing that her brother was getting the 'master' bedroom and his own ensuite for kicking off, and would as pp wonder was she really 'fine' about it or had she just learned that her wants and needs are not taken into account or equal to her brothers.

blubellsarebells · 06/05/2020 22:29

Tantrums dont get you what you want in my house and never have.
I was less against the idea until you said he wouldn't do school work and blames everyone else.
Dont give him the room.
Times are tough and we're all making sacrifices, your son is not special or more important than your daughter or husband.

DilemmaADay · 06/05/2020 22:42

So DD shuts up and puts up and gets thr box room, whilst DS kicks up a fuss, doesnt do his homework and gets the master room, eff that for a lark. Your DH is right and it's nice for you to have the room to relax in at the end of the day. Whilst you're all equally important members of the family, DS should learn it's not his way or no way, rilly appreciating the ASD and Adhd

DilemmaADay · 06/05/2020 22:43

*fully appreciating the ASD and ADHD

NotStayingIn · 06/05/2020 22:51

Good choice OP. I think giving him the master would have been a big mistake. I really think your DD would have minded. Very much.

DilemmaADay · 06/05/2020 23:08

Sorry crosspost, well done OP, you're doing the right thing

PickAChew · 06/05/2020 23:14

There's 2 of you with a bigger bed and 2 lots of clothes , so bigger room.

DS1 has asd and adhd. His room is only 20% smaller than ours but he has a big pax wardrobe in there used for general storage. If he objected to that, then Ds2 would get the bigger room

PickAChew · 06/05/2020 23:15

And I'm glad that you saw sense

cstaff · 06/05/2020 23:15

Well done OP. This will do him the world of good in the long-term. Not too sure about right now but he has to learn at some point how not to be an entitled little git.

cstaff · 06/05/2020 23:17

His sister also sees that it is not all about him all the time which is no harm.