To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

Op. I would.have this exact problem with DS ( also with ASD and ADHD) in your situation . I would feeel like your husband about it but I would be really worried about.the fallout.

This is because I know what effect that change would have on DS and it would mean a very very difficult time for the household for quite a long time at a time when things are going to be very very difficult as it is.

As an example DS was incredibly difficult when his bed broke and we had it out a different on in his room. I also insisted he have his drum kit and keyboard in there instead of in the box room ( which is our only spare room and DH works in there) and it took weeks and weeks for him to get used to that. My mistake was however not preparing him enough.

I wouldn't underestimate how hard the move will be on your DS regardless of which room he gets. . He needs a lot of preparation and calm explanation and should.be allowed to voice his frustration and to give his opinion

If.he insists he.wants the bigger room ask for his solutions and kindly say the solution has to.work for everyone.. Don't lose you temper . In the end what choice does your DS have? Not much which will be very difficult for him to deal with as he will feel helpless, frustrated and worried. His ASD and ADHD and his age maken it much harder for him to.deal with this and these emotions are more likely to.come out as anger

On balance I would say he should not.have the bigger room because he is going to have to learn that life throws curve balls and things change but I would be prepared for him to.continuen being upset for quite a while and also for other behaviour to deteriorate. It is going to very hard for everyone to.asjust
I am .sorry you have been so financially affected by Covid and wish you luck.

Haha I always think the adults get a whole house for their stuff and kids only get their room. I would happily let my kids have the better room, but I understand (problems aside) he isn’t behaving in a way your dh wants to reward, so I see both points of view - no help I’m afraid. But what I will say is it’s not a permanent decision, you could take the master and tell him if he does xyz you will speak to dh in 3/6 months to reconsider behaviour dependent x

Also meant to say I'd completely understand if you gave him the bigger room. It would be very tempting to avoid the worst of the fallout

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it

So you want to reward bad behaviour?

No, your DH and you should have the master. There is two of you, you are the adults working to pay for the place.

My DD is 14 and her room is not big enough to fit a double bed and a wardrobe. But it's plenty big enough for her needs - yes we have got a little creative with use of space but it absolutely doesn't feel cramped.
So I don't believe that your DS's room is really too small for him - I'm guessing it's just smaller than the one he's left, so he's not happy?

If you can fit a double bed and wardrobe, then you can fit a single bed and wardrobe and have space for a small desk with a monitor. he can sit on the bed and do his gaming. What more space does he need?

Lol hell to the no.

You don't force him to stay in his room? That's his choice?
A room can be nice without being big?
You have another child...if she kicks off in the same way what would your choices be?

And sorry you are going through a hard time

Parents get the master bedroom. There are two of you.

Im actually torn with this one. Our girls have the biggest bedroom, they could easily fit in the second bedroom but we decided that as they will spend more time in their room that we wanted them to have it, we really only go in there at about 9pm and wake at 5am so it felt pointless us having it... however we have decorated it really nicely because my husband wanted to have a nice space that is just ours to be able to relax in.. so I understand your husbands thinking there. Honestly I don’t think your husband or son are being unreasonable, but I’m not convinced you’ll find a way out of this without really upsetting one of them! Would son/husband be happier with the smaller one of it was really nicely decorated etc? Maybe suggest son and husband share biggest room and you have your own lovely space but honestly, I hope you find the right solution OP!

There are two of you and one of him.. doesn't make sense unless he was a toddler and loads of toys that would encroach on the living area .

Our child has the biggest bedroom: it is their space in the house. They need it to play/ relax. We have the rest of the house and the downstairs rooms in the evening. I don't understand this 'we are the adults so we get the best' attitude. Who needs it more?

Agree with your DH. The two of you should have the master bedroom. Don’t pander to your son, especially as he’s behaving poorly

There are two of you and one of him. Two people crammed into a small room while one person has the largest one is madness.

Also, don't underestimate the lesson you'll be teaching your daughter when she watches her brother get his own way by behaving badly.

I assumed the boy is the eldest. Usually the eldest child gets the bigger bedroom. That is fairest.

I think a lot of people are very soft with their kids these days tbh. There wouldn't have been a chance my parents crammed into a tiny room so I could have the biggest one. Especially if I was behaving poorly too and they had other children to consider (because as much as you say she doesn't mind, it will send a message to your DD).

Agree with PP as well that if the smaller room is big enough to fit you and your DH, it's big enough for one teenager.

I don’t think giving him the bigger bedroom will make a difference. He will still be upset for the change, he will need to adapt to any room he is in so he may as well adapt to the smaller one. I can assure you that giving him the bigger room is not going to sort the problems he is experiencing now better if he has the bigger bedroom. It can bring a lot of problems to your relationship too.

Usually the eldest child gets the bigger bedroom

Not the master bedroom... That is not 'usual' at all

, don't underestimate the lesson you'll be teaching your daughter when she watches her brother get his own way by behaving badly.

That, in buckets. It also teaches her that men needs are more important than her own. You will either end up with a doormat or another explosive child.

Er no.

He is behaving badly right now, having a tantrum about his room being smaller and you want to reward that behaviour? I get he has asd and adhd but letting him have his way because of that is ridiculous. That won't happen in real life. He has to understand that and you haven't taught him that yet at the age of 15. He has to know there are consequences sometimes when unfair things happen in the world, like you losing your job.

If you do, you're just making things easier in the short term and way worse in the long term. Your daughter will start to resent you as well, you'll damage your relationship with her if you keep giving in to him.

No he should have the smaller room. Even though your dd says she doesn't mind she would probably feel it is unfair. My sister always got given the bigger room when we were growing up as she made a massive drama out of everything. I was once in a room where you could only for a single bed and nothing else while she had a huge double to herself. My parents would have said I didn't mind. But I did.

As for my own children my dd is in the small single and my 2 sons have the bigger of the two doubles as I couldn't fit two singles in mine. I'm a single mum but I still have a double bed etc.

Your DH is right. It’s your house, adults get the bigger room. There are two of you and only one of him. He’ll just have to cope with a smaller room. We dont always get what we want in life and unless you teach him to cope and adapt he’s going to grow up incredibly entitled and self absorbed. I had a small bedroom as a kid- it’s not the end of the world and it won’t “ruin” his future lol

I know it's not generally considered acceptable to say this aloud, but threads like this do make me feel very sad for NT kids living with kids with diagnosed behavioural issues. It's nobody's fault - least of all their neuro-diverse siblings - but they must sometimes wish they had a diagnosis as well, so that they could get away with stuff/get some attention from time to time.

I don't disagree on the principle of giving a larger room to a child than adults (for example our plan here is to have two kids sharing the largest bedroom, us in the next biggest, leaving the smallest free for guests).

But as many PP have said, there are many good reasons this is a bad solution:

• Your DD getting the shitty end of the stick for 'not minding'. I bet it's no picnic for her living with your DS...
• She would go from sharing a bathroom with one person to sharing with two, whilst her brother gets one!
• Having a large den all to himself is not going to help antisocial behaviour, but hinder it.

Honestly, it feels like appeasing him will just get the little princeling more entitled than he is already. He needs to improve before you consider a reward, not in hope of improvement!

Usually the eldest child gets the bigger bedroom. That is fairest.

The biggest bedroom in the house?!