To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

No, your DH is correct. You get the master bedroom and he has to have s small room, both children should be treated the same. Totally unfair on your DD as well, she gets a small bedroom but he kicks off and gets the bug room, totally wrong.

I really don’t think it’s fair on your daughter or your DH. As adults, you shoulder all the responsibility and, as such, deserve to at least choose your bedroom. Your poor daughter isn’t making any waves, but she’s potentially going to be penalised for that. It’s really not on. Basically you’re telling her that, if she kicks off and refuses to do school work, she gets rewarded just like her brother.

So two of you are going to squash into a tiny room while one person has a much bigger room designed for two people? Your husband is absolutely right on this.

I know a family that did this: when they moved, their teenage DD was given the master bedroom with walk-in robe and ensuite as “she needed it more”. She was, and still is, a difficult child. She thinks she’s the person in charge and her parents fairly much do what she says.

God this wouldn’t even occur to me as an option it’s such a no brainer. The adults have the master bedroom for all the reasons above.

Oh hell no.

You want to squash you and your DH into a tiny bedroom, while a child has a big bedroom AND a bathroom all to himself?

If I were your DH I’d tell you to pull your head in. No fucking way.

The people who pay for the house get dibs on the bedrooms.

Weird

On the DD 'doesn't mind' thing, it's more likely that she's used to her wants and needs coming under his. That's no criticism of you, just that when there's a SEN child and an NT child, the latter generally has to make more allowances for the former and more sacrifices. It's just the way life is.

If the small bedroom can fit a double bed in then it’s not that small. Agree with your dp

If a room is big enough for a double bed it's big enough for 1 teenager

Agree with the two previous posters, if you can fit a double bed in one of the s smaller rooms it's not that small!!!

How is it too small for him, but big enough for you and dh?

That does even make sense.

In my last house, when I was with exh, my dad had what was classed as the master. It had an ensuite. It was a 3 story house with one double bedroom on the first floor and the master and 2 smaller ones on the second. I preferred to have both kids upstairs and us sleep on the first floor.

We didn't use the ensuite anyway. And our room was still a big room. The house also had a main bathroom and another bathroom with a shower toilet and sink. I used that one.

Not a chance would I have been in a tiny room that barely fit one person.

I'm often on these kinds of threads posting against the idea that the 'master bedroom' (awful, awful expression)/biggest room should be for adults just because they are adults. But I'm with your dh on this one. Partly because I think it would send a dreadful message to your dd - who sounds lovely and accommodating (perhaps has been trained to be due to her brother and your dh who, putting it nicely, sounds a rather strong personality) but who will see and note the preferential treatment essentially to make your life easier. One could just as well argue that as a teen girl she needs a bathroom of her own (if you subscribed to that point of view), but nobody appears to be seriously proposing that. I do understand about the ASD and that your ds will be feeling very unsettled by the changes in his life atm, but you would be applying a permanent solution to an unsettledness that will pass eventually. If he is high functioning enough to be in mainstream school (as it sounds), life will demand a degree of adaptation to change from him. He needs support and understanding, but not the biggest room.

If it was just the three of you I'd be on your side OP, as teenagers spend far more time in their rooms than adults. However as you also have DD I'm not sure it's fair on her.

My 2 DS have the master bedroom with an ensuite and me and dh have the medium sized . It only fits bed and drawers and wardrobe, but we only come to bed to sleep. My boys spend a lot of time in their room, granted there are 2 of them. I have things all over the house, books in dining room and living room, my choice of art on the walls, they have everything in their room.
I would consider giving your DS the big room but on very strict conditions . He should be changing his behaviour and I wouldn't be taking any shit.

So let me get this right...

2 people will squish into one room whilst one person gets a big room with en-suite .

The child behaving well gets a tiny room and the child misbehaving gets the lovely big room.

Seriously?

If you’re going to give the big room to anyone other you and DH it should be to your daughter. Stop rewarding bad behaviour!

There is a reason that in ‘Mean Girls’ one of the first things the chiefs mean girl Regina George says is ‘do you like my room? It used to be my parents but I made them switch with me’. It was a character choice to show she was a manipulative, entitled brat who ran the roost.

Are you going to call his boss and insist he has the biggest office as he needs it more? Tell your DD she has to give him her car because he needs it more? You are raising a future adult. And he needs to learn to make the best with what he has.

Plus, get him one of those loft beds at ikea that can have a desk/ sofa under them and he’ll have loads of space for his xbox.

Why does your ds get a greater say than your dh on which room he is allocated because he’s more vocal about expressing his wants? If you were single and your ds an only child, it would be different. Insisting on room allocation being done in this way will upset two people for the sake of one. Whereas doing as your dh says will upset one.

As your ds is at home and not going to school, I’m thinking perhaps his ASD is not too severe. If you want him to provide for himself and live independently, he will need to learn that the world does not bend to his will.

I totally understand your reasoning. He will be happy. A happy 15 yo with autism is far easier to cope with. But for the long game, he needs to learn a certain amount of resilience and adaptability however hard it will be for him.

Lockdown won’t last forever. Perhaps use doing his school work as a bargaining chip for allowIng him to so certain things in your room.

No - because, as pp have said:

• both children should be treated equally
• you have 2 people sleeping and keeping things as opposed to 1 child
• could be seen as rewarding bad behaviour

Set up the Xbox outside the room (could help to regulate usage and encourage him to do homework).

No of course not, there are two of you, one of him.

However you could let him use the room during the day or evening if he needs more space, what does he need it for though? What do you wish to fit in there?

Walkon
Giving the master to two children sharing is completely different imo especially if they’re using it as a storage space for their toys.

No you should not under any circumstances give the master bedroom to your DS for all the reasons other pps have mentioned above.

I wouldn’t. He is a child, he hasn’t earned the right to the biggest, best room in the house. Giving it to him is putting his preferences aged of your husbands and your daughters. It’s a big fat no from me.

If it were two or three children sharing the bedroom, then you would have a point. But, You and your do will be sharing a room if that makes sense.