To think DS should have the master bedroom?

[NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage]

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

peperethecat my son has hfa. Its not adhd. It actually makes him very well behaved and he is quite easy to look after. He has a thing about rules. He likes quiet time and just likes to be with us.

Not all autism means that children act up.

There is a rise. Personally, I believe because it more well known. Looking back to my school days in the 80s/90s I can vividly remember quite a few children, I believe would have a diagnosis and support if they were in school now.

Unfortunately, they were labelled trouble causers, weird, odd etc. 3 in particular you could see really struggled to function. Unfortunately, 2 of those of since committed suicide.

I believe if my dp was a child now, he would be considered for having adhd. He grew up on a terrible home, so that maybe be part of the cause, but he struggles very much with keeping focus, being bored.

When it gets rellay bad, you find him doing something stupid, like taking the decking down and rebuilding it, because he just can't cope. But if he doesn't finish it in one day, it's get left.

We have introduced some techniques used for people with adhd and he is far better.

He also tried to commit suicide in his early 20s

So yes, figures are going up. No, you don't get diagnosed because you are just misbehaving. Yes diagnosis can help. Lack of diagnosis doesn't help anyone and often leads to suicide in people who just can not cope or function in everyday life.

So, I would rather diagnosis figure went up.

If you want to tell your DS and DD (especially your DD) that your DS is the most important person in the house then crack on. Otherwise it's a ridiculous idea.

Please don't teach your son that kicking off will get him what he wants. This is not how the world works and he his going to have to learn that ASD and ADHD aside, he will one day have to grow up and live in a world that may not always be considerate to his wants.
Please do all that you can to make the two smaller rooms as nice as you can for both of your children, because they are equally deserving.

@Peggysgettingcrazy Thanks for the explanation. Do you think diagnosis will help these kids to function in the adult world? I imagine that in your son's case, for example, there are career options for him that might suit his need for quiet time, and he can develop coping strategies to enable him to deal with the world as it is.

But in cases where the condition does manifest itself as bad behaviour, as with the OP's son, what actually helps? Because if a boy like that is given special treatment because he has a condition and he learns to expect that, he's going to be unemployable. We learn in childhood that our parents are the boss of us and we have to do what they say because they are the ones paying for the roof over our heads and the food we eat and the clothes we wear. If you don't learn that in childhood then how do you adjust to the idea that you have to do what your boss says because they are the ones paying for the roof over your head and the food you eat and the clothes you wear? If the OP's son behaved the way he does at home in a workplace, he would get fired. End of story.

YABU. Your DH is absolutely right; as adults you are the parents, you work and pay for the property and somewhere to live, and you require the space more as there’s two of you.

Giving it to your DS would just be rewarding bad behaviour and showing him he can get whatever he wants as long as he throws a tantrum.

Perhaps this is a running theme?

I'm with your dh on this one.

Definitely not. Why the child with bad behaviour gets a reward and well behaved child is disregarded just because she doesn't complain? And why 2 people needs to squash into tiny space while 1 person gets bigger room just because he complained? Where is your authority as parents? If he scream and shout, he gets what he wants? That will teach them a wrong lesson.

...

That’s the sound of the OP never returning

We gave our DD the biggest bedroom, she has toys that we didn't want cluttering up the living room. We want her to be able to have friends over to sleep, which they couldn't do in one of the smaller rooms and as she grows she will spend more time in that bedroom than any other room of the house, but we only sleep in our bedroom and have the rest of the house.

That being said, she's an only child. If she had any siblings then she would be in one of the smaller rooms. And if she starts to get a stinking attitude with us she'll be out of the biggest bedroom, it's a privilege not a right.

We can only do this because we have one bedroom for us to sleep in and a spare room to use as a dressing room. If we didn't have the spare room then it would also be a no. So in your situation we wouldn't do it. But it can work well for some families.

Absolutely not. He's a teenager and he isn't behaving well or doing his homework. When he's an adult and he pays for his own place, them he can have the big room.

In a few years your DS will be in the adult world. The people around him won’t be as accommodating of his needs/wants/demands especially if he is used to having them met by means of bad behaviour. The kindest thing would be to help him prepare for that by not raising him up on the family pedestal just because it is the easiest thing to do.

He and DD should have equal sized rooms. If one is slightly larger I’d be inclined to sit them both down and say “who can I trust to get their school work done?” Etc so they/he can see the logic in how good behaviour = reward. Then give it to DD. Help him link his behaviour to consequence.

Set him an area up in the communal area where he can study and play x box. The later being rewarded for good study and concentrstion.

This will be more valuable to him than any master bedroom. It will also show DD that she matters too. I think the fact she has quietly accepted the lesser room speaks volumes of where she sees her place in the family. It also shows DH his opinion matters more than that of a disobedient child.

AS and ADHD shouldn’t excuse behaviour (esp if he is functioning enough to be in mainstream school) but they do make it even more critical you are consistent and explicit in everything you do. By excusing it you are hindering his development as a young adult and making the chance of mainstsining future meaningful relationships reduced.

No way, not a chance. Giving in to your ds because he makes the most noise and fuss is setting yourself up for continual manipulation by him and him up for a lifetime of trying to control others by bad behaviour. Teaching him that if he shouts and brow beats others he will get his own way is terrible. If he continues to do this as an adult he will be classed as abusive.

No, it sounds as if he is already fairly entitled- he has loads of things, presumably paid for by you as parents. He dictates how he lives his life. He sounds as if he doesn't mind who he upsets as long as he gets his way. Having ASD means he needs firm boundaries and rules as he finds them harder to figure out for himself. Imagine his behaviour as a 30 year old, will anyone (other than you) tolerate it? Would an employer? A flatmate? A partner? What would be the impact on his own dc? If you can't see anyone else putting up with it then guess who will still be putting up with the behaviour with the added bonus that 'he is an adult and you can't tell him what to do'. What about when you are no longer around will his sister want to submit to his will again?

I totally understand that this must be a scary time for him. If he was a four year old only child (or two dc) with loads of toys you all wanted to keep out of shared spaces, it might be different but he is not. He can learn important adult skills like rotating summer and winter clothes. Keeping a small space tidy. Living within your means. If he wins on this then what about when he wants some new clothes, a new x box game? Your lives have changed he can no longer be accommodated exactly as he would like. If he doesn't want that for his life then he needs to learn that he will need good qualifications to get a good job to pay for a bigger living space and more stuff, even then as you are unfortunately experiencing life isn't always easy, but it is easier if you have the qualifications and life skills to navigate it.

@peperethecat I was just thinking exactly the same, it seems like half the people with any kids have one with adhd nowadays. On a post the other day someone suggested it's because parents having problems/issues are more likely to post on MN?

Thanks for the explanation. Do you think diagnosis will help these kids to function in the adult world? I imagine that in your son's case, for example, there are career options for him that might suit his need for quiet time, and he can develop coping strategies to enable him to deal with the world as it is.

I think it can. For my son, yes it will help him be an independent adult. But he has had good access to support. School have been great and really understand him.

I think it would have helped dp. He went from job to job. Never having had a career wanting something exciting. At 42 he is very angry at himself for not focusing on a career. I think, had he had help, when younger his many talents could have been focused into a job that would have been more suited to him. My ds has had help, than dp could have benefitted from.

However, dp also had shit parents who wouldn't have supported him anyway. His father felt dp would much better suit being a criminal from his early teens than bother getting a job.

Its not just about diagnosis. Its about what comes after.

Where it manifest in behaviour problems, its about hearing it off. Just like I have to head off ds having a sensory meltdown. Its about developing coping mechanisms. To spot what causes it.

A boy in my dad's class was awful. He bullied her terribly. We moved her school 6 months later he was booted out of the first school and moved to her school where he assulated he so badly, he was charged with gbh at 11 years old.

He had a horrifc home life, no diagnosis. But there was potentially an issue. A couple of yearsater his parents said they couldn't cope and he was loved to a foster family. At 17 he is actually a very lovely young man. He contacted dd a few years ago to apologise.

We have seen him since and dd has mutual friends. He got the support, disgnosis and coping mechanisms to help him. He knows when to remove himself for a situation that makes him overwhelmed, he knows how to deal with it better.

Obviously, not all children with bad behaviour have poor parents. Sometimes the support isn't quite right for them, or they just can't be reached. But if they can access it, it makes a huge difference.

Writing kids off as just naughty rarely helps. It doesn't help them when they become adults.

No, you don’t pander to a teenager and give them the master bedroom, doesn’t matter about his ADHD or whatever, that’s not an excuse for his bratty behaviour. Too bad if he’s whinging about his inferior room, he can get his own master bedroom when he’s an adult paying the bills. And stop favouring your badly behaved son over your daughter, just because she’s nice and compliant and he’s not if anything should mean he NEVER gets his way ever. Ffs stop spoiling him.

Writing from the pov of the quiet dd who said "no worries I don't mind the small room"
She will mind if your ds has it. Just won't say anything, and will feel less important

I agree with your dh, my dd is 14 with ASD and she has the box room, just fits a single bed and chest of drawers, her sister had a slightly bigger room, both spend a lot of time in their rooms but the size doesn’t seem to bother them (the smaller the room the smaller the mess).

Why would you want to give up the master bedroom, there are 2 of you in one room and only one in his?

I think that you and your DH need to have the bigger room.

The reasons being, there are two of you and one of him, if the room is that small you’ll struggle to get a double bed in, which means you’ll probably end up climbing over each other in the night if you need the loo, not fun.

And most importantly, you are telling your dd that ds is the most important person in the house. Far more important than her.

DP and me have the 3rd bedroom. One DS has the master bedroom and the second also has a large room - both have ensuites. We fit in the third bedroom fine and our reasoning was that we don't spend a lot of time in the bedroom whilst the DSs needed a desk in their for school work and gaming etc. However, neither of them asked for it, they are well behaved and didn't expect it. It just made sense to me and DP. If they were kicking off there is no way they would get it.

Can you not claim housing benefit and stay where you are?

No, I agree with your DH, there’s 2 of you and 1 DS.

Moving house will be hard for him whatever happens. I have a DS with AS and I understand that you’re trying to make the transition as easy as possible but this is going too far.

The best thing you could do is get the TV and Xbox out of his room, I would never have seen my DS if he’d had them in his room.

If your daughter is neurotypical and easygoing, she may well have put up with being sidelined for his needs a lot. Don’t do it again. And don’t do it to your husband either, it isn’t necessary.

It’s a rubbish situation for all and you have my sympathy.

I agree with you, he spends more time there, you dont

I have a teen DS, he studies, games, and works out in his bedroom. I just go to bed in mine as does DH. We sit in bed together drinking cups of tea and chatting but we don’t need space other than the bed. I think I would feel like you, plus as he has ASD will this affect his behaviours?