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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS should have the master bedroom?

300 replies

NotTheOnlyPomInTheVillage · 06/05/2020 04:48

We are moving into a smaller house because we cannot afford the rent on our current house.

For background, my business was closed down by the government due to COVID-19 and DH's base salary has been reduced by 20% and also his Commission (which was half his salary) is practically nil due there being no work.

So the new house is TINY. It has 3 bedrooms but two of them are only big enough to fit a bed and small wardrobe in. DD is fine, she doesn't mind, but DS is upset about his room. He is 15 years old and has ASD and ADHD (not sure if that is relevant).

DH has bagged the master bedroom for us both, as we are the adults and he works hard to provide for the family. He says he's sacrificed everything for our DC, which is true, but that he feels this entitles him (well, us), to the master bedroom. The Master Bedroom also has a walk-in wardrobe and an en-suite bathroom. It sounds fancy, but it's not, trust me.

Personally, I think we should let DS have it. He spends a lot of time in his room so it should be as nice as possible. He plays XBox, he is weirdly precious about his clothes (part of his ASD) and he has a lot more stuff than us. We only sleep in our room so it doesn't matter what our room is like.

DS is being an arsehole at the moment, which isn't helping matters. I have had a few emails this week from the school about him not engaging in the online zoom lessons. And his homework is a disgrace. He doesn't do it then blames the world and his dog for why he hasn't done it.

So that's it. I would really like to know what other Mumsnetters think. Should we give the Master Bedroom to DS or not? I have enabled voting. Many thanks.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 06/05/2020 08:39

DS gets the smaller room. Two adults need more space than one child, and he doesn’t get to demand to have it otherwise. Your DD will also see you are favouring DS. I wonder why she is so obliging, is she used to having to subordinate her own needs?

Quicklittlenamechange · 06/05/2020 08:40

Surely if the small bedrooms can fit a double bed, presuming you and DH need a double?
Then they cant be that small?
Makes sense that a single in there would be an ok size room for your DS?

ReceptacleForTheRespectable · 06/05/2020 08:41

From a bathrooms perspective, two people sharing each bathroom is definitely fairest. 3 people sharing one bathroom while your DS has is own is just ridiculous.

GrimmsFairytales · 06/05/2020 08:43

I see absolutely no reason why he should have the biggest room, a bathroom and a walk in wardrobe to himself.

  • Shitty attitude towards school work
  • Shows you favour him over your daughter
  • Will result in more Xbox use and shutting himself away
  • No reason to change his behaviour, as he giving him the room shows there are no consequences
CoronaMoaner · 06/05/2020 08:45

If your child was really well behaved, had made a load of sacrifices, was due some acknowledgement or reward, then maybe I’d consider it.
Given you’ve said his school work is shit and he can’t be bothered, then no. You’re teaching him that he gets given a reward for doing nothing.
I’m team DH.

DiscoDown · 06/05/2020 08:45

My DSis got her own way a lot as a teen, because she kicked off. There was no point me throwing a tantrum too because she she could throw a bigger, longer, more explosive one. She used to get the best of everything so she wouldn't go mad. It's done neither of us any favours, it's taken me years to stop putting myself last and she thinks the world owes her a living. And my DPs would have said I didn't mind too, I did, there was just no point expressing it.

museumum · 06/05/2020 08:49

Room size aside It’s really not fair for one child to have their own bathroom while the other has to share with two other adults.

SinkGirl · 06/05/2020 08:49

Some of these comments are so awful.

No a badly behaved kid does not dictate which room he gets

Quite. It is reinforcing and pandering to stroppy, petulant behaviour.

He has both ASD and ADHD. It’s likely not just as simple as him being badly behaved, and the impact of the move on him could be massive.

We’ve had a real problem with our bedrooms - our second bedroom which our twins share is really small, but we knew we could fit two toddler beds and then bunk beds in there with the aim fo move house once they got to 8 or 9.

They are now 3, both have ASD and we need safe enclosed beds in there but they are all at least single bed size and two will not fit. We would move them into our bedroom in a heart beat but we can’t fit our bed in there let alone a wardrobe or the desk DH needs because he works from home.

I couldn’t give a crap that they’re the kids and we are the adults, or that we pay for the house. In my view you assign rooms based on all the factors. If all you’re doing in the room is sleeping there’s no need for a big room.

Would the smaller room be safe for him, are there other factors? I do agree it’s possibly going to be an issue for your DD if you do it and I’d have to work out some other way to balance things for her.

We’ve had social care OT round to try and find us a solution but they’ve been unable to and they think the twins will need a room each in a couple of years due to their needs so they are applying for a disabled facilities grant for a loft conversion for us. We will then be in a situation where one has a much bigger room than the other. Not sure how we will handle it yet.

PrayingandHoping · 06/05/2020 08:49

If the room is big enough for 2 adults (as in a double bed and enough clothes storage space) it really is not that small at all!!! And plenty big enough for 1 teenager, a single bed and storage space for his things

Noconceptofnormal · 06/05/2020 08:50

This is ridiculous, if course two adults sharing a room should have the master bedroom with an ensuite.

Apart from the fact that I think you are underestimating how much stuff you both have, it would be very unfair on your daughter.

Lots of teens have very small rooms and survive, I did it had no negative effects on me.

Pinkyyy · 06/05/2020 08:54

Surely if the small bedrooms can fit a double bed, presuming you and DH need a double?
Then they cant be that small?

This is a very good point. Or are you planning on sharing a single bed between two adults so that your teenager can sprawl out over a double/king?

thecatsthecats · 06/05/2020 08:54

@DiscoDown

Yes, I was of a slightly different character, but I was much more introverted than my siblings.

Seeing my sister blow up and get her own way - and my mum do the same - though it didn't make me put myself last.

It made me a consummate liar, who was able to bend the truth perfectly because I saw how damaging, noisy and protracted arguments could be when big personalities insisted on shoving their needs in other people's faces.

I chose to quietly get my own way by lying, and as a consequence my parents had no idea about a lot of my goings on (which were, btw, pretty tame to be honest - there was just no way I was going to subjugate myself to the manifestly unfair rules set on the ground of my siblings misbehaviour when I was actually a good kid - great grades, never in trouble).

User67890 · 06/05/2020 08:55

You say he's been an arse recently so you shouldn't be rewarding that behaviour

Chloemol · 06/05/2020 08:56

You are sending the wrong message to everyone if you do this. Your son will think he can have what he wants when he wants it, your daughter will believe she is second best and your husband will think he doesn’t get a say in any decisions. He is still working, you will no doubt go back to work at some point. Adults get the bigger bedroom as they are sharing.

There is no reason why you can’t set up everything in his bedroom still, lots of families have to do this.

Crimsonnightlotus · 06/05/2020 08:57

SinkGirl, but what about the well behaved dd? Her needs can be disregarded just because she understands and don't complain? She maybe like that because she had to grow up faster than she should, and you don't know what she really feels. It's just not fair. All kids suffer from change, especially to the worse situations.

eaglejulesk · 06/05/2020 08:59

@peperethecat - I'm certainly not going to flame you for your post as that is something that I have been wondering about for years, so thank you for asking the questions. However, we don't seem to be any closer to an answer.

I went to a small school, and can think of two or three children (in the whole school) who, looking back, had some sort of behavioural issues which would probably be diagnosed today, but no-one else stands out. It certainly does seem to be much more prevalent today.

Cornishclio · 06/05/2020 09:00

No. You and your DH pay the bills and there are two of you so you get the master bedroom. Your son does not get a bigger room because he is acting up and he has more stuff. Tell him to cull it and tell him if he does not do well at school he will be living with you for decades as he won't be able to afford to move out. Your poor DD as well. What message does that send her? Her brother is behaving like a Pratt, whether he has ASDS or not and gets rewarded. I would not give it to him.

itswonkylampshade · 06/05/2020 09:01

I agree with the majority of posters that you should have the master bedroom. In fact I think rewarding a poor attitude by placing your DS at the top of the tree in terms of allotment of space won’t help him in any way and it’s likely to affect the rest of you negatively in more ways than one, despite your good intentions. Listen to your DH and I think your family will be happier in the end if DS understands where he sits in the family more clearly.

HaveAtEm · 06/05/2020 09:02

Why on Earth are you pandering to your badly behaved child? Regardless of his ADHD he dies not get to behave badly and get special treatment! Good lord!

campion · 06/05/2020 09:08

He has both ASD and ADHD. It’s likely not just as simple as him being badly behaved, and the impact of the move on him could be massive.

I agree. Sounds like he's already struggling and all this change will make things worse probably. You do whatever makes life bearable in the short term. I wonder how many saying it's not fair have lived with a 15yr old DS with ASD and ADHD. You were always going to be told put him in the smaller bedroom but I'd look at the pros and cons carefully. You'll be living with it.

lowlandLucky · 06/05/2020 09:09

Are you serious OP ? Is your son always treated as some sort of Deity ?

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 06/05/2020 09:09

The parents definitely take the master bedroom!

Hannahmates · 06/05/2020 09:09

YABU. You're spoiling your son. He should be grateful that he has a roof over his head. You and your husband should have the master bedroom.

wildcherries · 06/05/2020 09:10

You are sending the wrong message to everyone if you do this. Your son will think he can have what he wants when he wants it, your daughter will believe she is second best and your husband will think he doesn’t get a say in any decisions.

Agree with this. Don't reward bad behaviour. Besides that, adults paying the bills should get the bigger room. I'm surprised that's even up for debate tbh.

unlikelytobe · 06/05/2020 09:11

Is the OP coming back or is she hiding in the en suite?