Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

How difficult for you. I think one thing to bear in mind though is that if the neighbours were to want to sell their house, this problem would need to be disclosed to potential purchasers (assuming they own it). This would put off most purchasers. It may be that the neighbours find the noise and balls distressing and invasive, and are also in a position where your son's behaviour has made it impossible for them to move.

I love my garden and would be very upset by balls kicked - with force - constantly coming into it and loud screaming. (I obviously don't mind the usual balls coming over every now and then, and the usual noise of children playing and arguing!) It would feel very invasive. And to be trapped there because I couldn't sell my house, because of this very behaviour - well, I'd feel a really important part of my life had just been demolished, my garden and my happiness in my home. Maybe that kind of feeling is what is feeding into your neighbour's response? Perhaps they feel your arrival has had a really negative effect on their lives and taken away their happiness in their home? Particularly if they are older?

(And on the fence, is what is driving their refusal to increase the height perhaps a fear that they will have the noise of balls constantly being kicked against it? If so a net would be better.)

I’m sure they just want some peace and quiet in their garden, which isn’t unreasonable of them. He’s your child, not theirs, so you have to be aware that’s he’s probably extremely irritating to them.

There are always posters on every thread about difficult neighbours who will tie themselves up in knots to convince us that the OP is in the wrong and that the neighbours are justified. This position is summed up with this post:

*You chose to have a child.
*
She didn't choose to have a child with severe autism, did she?

The OP offered to increase the height of her fence, and their response was to tell her they would report her if she did that.

I’d be tempted to post a note through their door saying “the more you complain, the louder we get”.

What a terribly difficult problem. My heart goes out to you. Surely there must be someone who can help, but of course, who is that person.

Oh op,I completely understand, my son is also severely autistic and non verbal,he vocally stims allday everyday and theres no way,absolutely no way of stopping him.it may annoy people but what they must understand is that he cant help it,your son cant help it.there but for the grace of God go I.people dont realise just how hard, how bloody hard it is looking after severely autistic children is,especially when they have learning disabilities too and dont sleep and eat properly and cant follow instructions or understand yes or no.anyone reading this please try remember this before judging OP.

If he attends a special school he will have a care plan and should be given a place at school. Your local council could help you with this. I would ring his special school and point out he has a care plan and as a vulnerable child should be entitled to attend school at least some days. I think this would be my focus. It sounds like he is too much for one person to mannage alone especially as his routine has been changed. Bouncing on trampoline will help to tire him out so he sleeps better. I would not be giving him the balls in garden if he constantly throws them over hedge and they get popped. Instead take them with you when you go for excercise. Parks are still open even if kids can't use swings and climbing frames. He could throw his balls where he wanted in the park without annoying anyone. Everyone is getting frazzled atm with lock down, your neighbours included. It must be annoying for them if everytime they are in their garden your son is shouting and throwing stuff over their fence. Do they understand he is autistic or do they just think he is badly behaved? The government have clearly stated vulnerable children must be allowed to go to school. I would be making complaint to head teacher and pointing out he is in danger of self harm with no school to ocupy him.

How often in a day are the balls going over the fence ?

Hi OP. Haven't read the whole thread but also didn't want to read and run.

I think it's a bit of both in this one. You're definitely not BU and doing the best you can but equally, if you were my neighbour, whilst I would feel for you and your son, it would probably also annoy me a bit. Especially if it meant I couldn't relax in my own garden. If he is only out there shouting a couple of times a day, that is ok.

Balls going over is ok if it's not regular but you say he is obsessed with it - if it is more than twice a day I would say it's unfair on them. Throwing soil over isn't ok as it's not as easy to deal with (just throwing back).

Personally if you were my neighbour I would let you raise the fence, but also see why others wouldn't. They are probably thinking, why should we have to change our garden because of this.

So I would do as others have suggested. Move the trampoline (even if only during lockdown), put something raised up on your side.

Sending 3 adult sons round was wrong of them and very intimidating, which I would vocalise to them if it happens again.

I imagine they are the older sort who just view autistic children as children with no boundaries.

So sorry you’ve got these struggles op.

OP - how are you? Did you read any useful advice on this thread?

If he attends a special school he will have a care plan and should be given a place at school.

my DD with complex needs has an echp and is attending special school but currently only children of key workers can attend. I am struggling at home but there is no way school will take her. It's a huge myth that all children with care plans can attend school. Most cannot.

but currently only children of key workers can attend

@dairy you’ve been misinformed here - children who are vulnerable eg with an ehcp can go.

Agreed Dairyfairys, the government soon backtracked on that when they realised just how many pupils that would entail, and that special schools would effectively be unchanged!
However, if you're struggling (even just that you need some respite) school should help. They're not forced to, but they're a bit crap it they don't. I'm an ASD teacher and we are in constant contact with our parents changing things up, helping in as many ways as we can.

Could you get a tent to cover the trampoline? We had one for ours and the kids loved it as it made it into a den as well.

dairy you’ve been misinformed here - children who are vulnerable eg with an ehcp can go.

I will probably know better if my child is allowed into school or not.

It is a special school. All children have EHCPs. You are basically saying that special schools should run at full capacity which is bonkers.

Besides, our school has several members of stuff who are shielding or have children who shield. A lot of staff is not in.

tillyteatowel - The guidance is actually that children with EHCP may need a place if care needs cannot be met at home but the overarching principal is that any child who can be at home should be.

I’m in a similar position with my adult autistic son. He’s loud! Happy loud but loud nonetheless. It’s more of a loud constant humming, it gets right inside your head! He’s thankfully back next week to college where he lives teen time.

I feel for you, it’s incredibly hard. My son has no understanding, functions at an 18 month / 2 year level level. We let him Outside for a few hours but then Lock up the doors and keep him in for the rest of the day.

As he’s an adult we have a deprivation of Liberty document to “allow” us to lock the doors from the Court of Protection! 🙄

Term time

If I was the neighbour I'd be wondering why the OP was giving the child balls in the first place.

I understand he may like them but they probably also like their garden. They shouldn't pop them but I can understand their irritation if they can't use their garden without threat of something hitting them.
They shouldn't have sent their sons around but I can see how they feel. It isn't up to them to avoid objects being thrown, any amount of noise, yes, can't be helped, various "missiles" coming over, not fair.

He needs to play with something though. My autistic son was fascinated with things that went through the air.

Suggest maybe bubbles - giant bubble maker, neighbours can't complain about that (though they might, sounding as if they have complained about everything else). Or helium balloons on kite line your son can play with but which remain tethered in his own garden?

I despair really of the sort of world where neighbours complain about a quite considerably disabled child throwing a small piece of toast over a fence. The birds would have it in a minute in any case.

This lockdown is having profound consequences for families and children - this lad needs his school routine, and should be there. Perhaps the elderly could be a little more forbearing; after all, it is largely for their benefit. When it's all over, they will still have their pensions and homes - many younger people will have lost jobs and possibly their houses, and kids' education will be badly impacted.

Eh - what’s the elderly got to do with an autistic ball throwing boy and the neighbours?

Please just ignore them and do what you need to to get through this time. They have.no idea how hard this is on you. Don’t give him him expensive sensory balls in the garden get some of the cheap ball pit ones which won’t do any damage if thrown over and ignore their reactions. I am I. A similar position with an autistic child and I know how hard it is at the moment for you- others don’t - just ignore them and get through it for yourself and your boy.

My son also has light beanbags in the garden as he is also A thrower. A crash mat was a great buy too for him to throw himself on inside the house.

Oh OP I haven’t read the full thread but just want to give you a hug. I’m a ASN teacher and work with children like your son. You are not alone in this, as part of lockdown we contact parents each week mainly for a chat see how they are doing and quite a few are having problems with their neighbours.

Your neighbours are ignorant, ok they want to enjoy their garden but so does your son. He didn’t choose to be autistic. You’ve done what you can offering to raise the fence, is there even a way you could put a second fence inside your garden? Trying to think of done solutions for you.