Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Oh yes and for those who suggested removing toys&balls- OP probably has to choose between allowing her DS to have balls or a 3 hour meltdown. Which is better all 'round? 'Normal' parenting can be counterproductive for our kids.

That's awful OP. I don't agree with the posters on Mumsnet who say it's reasonable for children to be very noisy in gardens with no regard to neighbors. But with a SEN child in lockdown you really don't have any choice. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs, as I have sensory processing issues myself and can understand the impact on your poor DC xx

If you can afford it, put up your own fence on your side of the boundary, the neighbors can't stop you doing this.

Is there anyone who can help you by having a word with your neighbors to explain your DCs issues? I know some of the older generation think sensory issues are not real, or naughtiness. But are more inclined to listen to a professional such as a health visitor or school teacher.

I would check legally about the fence and go ahead. I don't think in my area at least you can erect anything higher than 2m so make sure you are sticking to the law as to not give them ammunition.

You might find this interesting, damaging the balls could be considered criminal damage and sending their sons round could be harassment. www.report-it.org.uk/learning_disability_and_autism

I think they are completely in the wrong. If they are finding it hard listening to him they should be able to empathise with you, and imagine how hard it must be to actually live with him. If they dislike it that much why did they not agree to you making the fence higher? They sound horrible popping his things. I had a noisy neighbour, and in the end I moved house. They were not going to change so it was just the way it was.

I'm so sorry, it must be so difficult to deal with such hateful people. In normal circumstances they would have a little bit of sympathy from me but in this case, not at all.

You've been really reasonable and they've shot you down at every suggestion, I would suggest phoning the council about erecting a net or fence of some kind and the police about the harassment. I would also be keeping a log of their behaviour.

Hopefully a visit or letter from the police would scare them enough to stop harassing you.

I think you need to put up a net regardless of whether they 'allow' you to or not. I know it must be hell for you at the moment, but I suspect that this situation has effectively rendered their garden unusable. Which probably seems very unfair to them.

Can you schedule specific times for your son to be in the garden? I don't know enough about SEN to know if this is possible. But if it is, it might help them to know that there will be times he won't be out.

To those calling them nasty neighbours, please don't. You have no idea what their situation is. They may have a hell of their own to deal with.

I think this is difficult for all and the neighbours sound very unsympathetic but I wonder if this is just a problem during lockdown.

We had a similar issue a few years back, every weekend, every holiday for hours with our neighbours child who had autism/ learning disability. I'm not sure which as the diagnosis changed over the years, neighbour was always a bit vague about this and it wasn't our business but we did try to work with her re living next door to each other.

Her son loved to be in the garden, would be there all seasons as long as it wasn't raining, and would be shouting, screaming, singing, chanting for hours. He also threw all kinds of things into our garden, broke flowers, (DH is a keen gardener) routinely threw mud at our ancient terrier when he was just lying there sun bathing. We tried to agree various ways forward but none worked as he had meltdowns if not let into the garden when he wanted to be there or was asked to come in when he didn't want to.

We put up a higher fence, we could still hear him through it and it got worse in a way as he then started to throw things at the fence and broke it on more than one occasion which we had to pay for as it was our fence. The neighbours on the other side of them had the same issue.

We tried to be patient, kind, understanding, fore bearing but it wore us down and although this sounds harsh, at the end of the day, he wasn't our son and we wanted to enjoy our garden. We moved, had to declare all this as part of the searches, did find buyers, they even witnessed his behaviour when visiting the house. They came twice, once was on a school day, the other he was at home and in full flow in the garden but as it was so full on, they thought it must be a one-off and bought our house, which was lucky for us but I heard from our other neighbours who we kept in touch with that they were very unhappy and a lot less accommodating than we were.

However, we never kept any of the articles thrown over, always returned them so I don't condone the neighbours behaviour in the OP . Mind you, we had such odd things thrown over, we were never sure if they were 'precious' items or not, so used to return them which also, at times, used to upset our neighbour as she thought we were proving a point. We started returning everything as we got told off when we didn't return a pebble as it was special to him because it was painted - it was one of those peoples people paint and leave in places - but when we invited the neighbour in to find it which she did, it was so faded you really couldn't tell it was once apparently painted like a ladybird

Several options here OP, sink the trampoline ( or move it), put netting near fence but on your property, take balls away and use something like shuttlecocks or similar that can't be thrown as far. Clearly something has to be done, the neighbours absolutely shouldn't be popping the balls, however maybe they are at the end of their tether? Does anybody remember the thread about a neighbours child watching the OP over the fence? (I seem to recall them being advised to use water pistols!!) and that child was just watching.........

I can see both sides of the argument here. My neighbours have good and bad days and someday's i just want them to shut the hell up (especially at the moment) when DP is working from home and I am heavily pregnant. Sometimes I find myself thinking...why am I spending this much on a mortgage to listen to someone elses crap constantly.

Have you tried talking to your neighbours & explaining your childs issues? I know you shouldnt have to but if my neighbours came round and explained it to me I would feel differently.

I feel for you I really do...but also your neighbours.

Gosh what a stressful situation and I bet there are many more just like it around the country.

I totally sympathise with you OP and do have some sympathy for your neighbours too. But my sympathy for them waned when you said they won't let you put anything on top of the fence to make it taller and popping the balls. That is just miserable and twattish.

I have no idea how big your garden is but if your boundary fence is 6ft high, is a massive net covering your whole garden a possibility? I do know a company that sells such nets if you think it would work.. I'll find a link if you'd like it.

Sorry just saw your fence is only 5ft so a whole garden net wouldn't work.

But could she erect some 6ft poles and put the net on that @Telltale? Then it's not breaking council rules about being over 6ft so neighbours can do nothing about it?

They threatened to speak to the council saying it was disgusting that toys came over the fence and sent their three adult sons round to tell me this.

How did the sons seem?

On the face of it this sounds like horrible, bullying behaviour, sending three men around to harangue a single mother. It also makes the neighbours sound cowardly themselves. But I just wondered how they approached it. Were they nasty and aggressive or did the sons seem like potentially reasonable people who were just doing this to appease the parents?

If the latter I wonder whether there is any chance that they might be approachable and could perhaps see your point of view a bit easier than their parents and perhaps be helpful in arranging some sort of compromise.

It sounds like a shockingly difficult situation, I really feel for you.

I really feel for you OP, and can't begin to imagine how tough it is, but I can also see the other POV a bit.

I'm quite noise sensitive and hearing screaming for long periods would either have me sobbing with despair or in a murderous rage. I'm not for a minute excusing the damage to property or sending 3 grown men round to intimidate you, which is bang out of order, but I think it must be tough for them too.

When I first moved here, one of NDN's sons, approx 5 years old, had some issues and he would have horrific, screaming, sobbing meltdowns. It was really distressing to hear and often went on for much of the night. It really wore me down and made me incredibly stressed and jumpy. I was reduced to tears and sobbing myself on more than one occasion. I dreaded going home from work and started drinking quite heavily because it knocked me out and made me sleep. At weekends, I would spend much of my time in the pub because I couldn't bear being at home with the noise.

If they were reasonable people, maybe it would be possible to negotiate times when your DS could stay indoors, but they appear not to be reasonable. I think I'd ask if the local PCSO could call round to talk to you about some threats from your neighbours that could have a hate crime element. Maybe they could then explain to them that it is a
disability matter, and that you can't fix it, so they will need to be tolerant.

We have some fab PCSOs where I live who are great at this kind of thing, but we may be exceptionally lucky in that respect. They really a helped a client of mine who has hyperacusis and ASD and was housed next to a really noisy family in a newbuild with paper-thin walls!

I really sympathise with you OP and was really sympathetic towards the neighbours. Loud noise like that would drive me insane and make me really miserable. However pretty stupid of them not to accept your offer to improve the fence.

Have you considered giving him shuttlecocks instead of balls? They’re so hard to throw no matter what your strength. Also he would still get the joy from seeing them in the air, but hopefully they wouldn’t get as far. I appreciate it’s not perfect and he could still take other objects - obviously you didn’t give him a piece of toast to throw, he just did it! I hope it’s a good idea.

Also would you consider putting up a tennis net or something similar so he can throw things over an object to replace the fence.

Gosh what vile neighbours, how horrible for you. Keep doing what you are doing; your priority is your son and doing what is right for him, not appeasing the neighbours or justifying your actions to anyone else! If they have refused to raise the boundary fence that is their call; you have done what you can.

I have this issue and have never got on with my neighbours for lots of reasons. Also similarly they have had a campaign involving all their friends, other neighbours going against me for years. At first I tried to get on with them. Now I just ignore
Take care of your child, do what he needs and take care of yourself.
Ignore the fuckers

My son has been screaming in the garden, I'm hoping for some sleep tonight

I haven't read the full thread but could the OP instead add a safety net around the trampoline to prevent him throwing balls?

OP, the Family Fund for Disabled Children may be able to help you with a higher fence, more play equipment, or safety netting. If you haven't used them before, they are very good. Although God knows how long you will have to wait to be assessed at the moment, but it may be an option for later on down the line, if you are stuck beside these people for a long time.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread op.

Can you have a 6 good fence built with a tiny gap to make the fence on your land? Pricey but might help. You can then add 3ft trellis on top without planning permission.

I'm really feeling for you op.

Your neighbours are absolutely disgraceful OP and sound like bullies. It's absolutely tragic that grown adults can behave this way towards a child. I'm so sorry that you are being treated this way it's not acceptable at all. I really hope that someone can help you out with this. You are doing an amazing job life is hard with an autistic child. Keep your heads held high! Sending hugs from me and my autistic little man to you and yours.

What heartless people, I cannot believe people could act like that, they can't hear him
through the walls, they can't hear him when you are gone on walks so it sounds like they have lots of opportunities to use their garden in silence. What more do they want, he is a normal human being and we humans make noise in vert different amounts, some louder than others, it's life. I would put a letter through their door saying u do not appreciate their actions, educate them on autism and manners