Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Aw OP, you and your son are entitled to enjoy your garden and 20-30 minutes a day is absolutely not enough! It is your garden.

But I think the netting that everyone is suggesting also reflects the fact that you need to stick to your garden and not encroach on next door.

I think move the trampoline if you can and, as a PP says, see what you can do with nets (a net round the trampoline or above the fence).

You should speak to the specialists and do some research to see what you can do to stop the shouting. For example, is there something indoors which would be distracting enough for him (something on TV/the internet or maybe a special sensory room?)

I'd put up your own fence. It'll cost you a few inches of garden, but as long as you make sure it's not touching their fence then there's nothing they can do about it.

They're completely unreasonable in not even being willing to discuss your offer to raise the fence height.

Are you a lone parent by any chance? Sending their three sons round is disgusting behaviour.

Would a rebounder wall/net be something he would enjoy? What is the sensory need that is being met by throwing? Can you identify it and find a different way of meeting it?

Op...have a look at the citizens advice website about disability hate crime...I'm not saying your neighbours have or haven't done this but the information on the website is very interesting.

I really feel for you but the trouble is, many people don’t know any severely autistic children and, consequently, don’t understand what it means and how it manifests itself.

Has your child’s school offered any support during lockdown? Are you following a sensory diet to help with your child’s sensory needs?

It might help to pop a note through your neighbours’ door. I’m pretty sure that The National Autistic Society has flyers / letters explaining an autistic child’s perspective of life.
Twinkl , I’m sure, also has fact sheets about autism.
Both of those websites will also have sensory diet and sensory break ideas too.

All good wishes to you OP.

Sorry just saw your house was detached so it’s not their wall he’s banging against. Noise in the garden isn’t anti social and them bursting balls is illegal. I’d speak to your local police force, see if there’s anything that can be done about that

Sorry to hear this. I can understand not throwing balls back straight away, but to pop them is cruel! There was another thread recently about throwing balls back, and with current CV, having to wash hands etc after touching it. TBH- I hadn't even thought about balls/frisbees etc and washing hands after!

Were they like this before CV? Maybe they are shielding and worried about 'contaminated' balls and eaten toast coming over their fence? Have you spoken to the neighbour and explained?

• Move the trampoline to the other side of the garden, so he cant throw things over

• Get a huge net thing around the trampoline or bury it in the garden so its flat on the ground

• Could you put a note on balls- 'I'm a special sensory ball ……

• Buy long, garden troughs to put along the fence line on your side and grow bamboo or another fast growing plant. Or put a trellis up on that side and grow beans/veg up it.

• To say you have a detached home doesn't mean the neighbours cant hear noises from inside. Mums neighbours (both large, detached homes) have toddlers and the noise from their side is awful. Screams, running through the house, banging on the walls etc. They likely don't reason the noise travels and the neighbours on both sides of them can hear them quite clearly.

I don't think you are being particularly unreasonable... but then I don't think THEY are either.

You find your child hard to manage and hard to live with, and you chose to have a child.

THEY find your child hard to live next door to... they did not choose that.

You've been aware that your childs behaviour is disrupting them and you haven't taken obvious action to reduce that - ie, you could have installed a higher fence or net your side to prevent balls coming over.

It isn't really their responsibility to stop your childs behaviour irritating them, is it? It is yours.

If you do everything you CAN do... and I would include fighting for some sort of respite care for you/him (appreciate that doesn't arrive easily or quickly!), then I would expect it reasonable that they have to tolerate some of the noise, some of the time. You will find that once you ARE doing everything you can reasonably be expected to do, they can complain to the countil til they are blue in the face, it won't do them any good.

As to whether they are arseholes or not... I suspect they ARE arseholes, but thats really not relevant, they still shouldn't be expected to tolerate tons of stuff coming over, endless noise or to be constantly returning (and therefore temporarily responsible for) expensive items.

I like the idea about pots of fast growing bamboo.

Everyone's tempers are frayed, you don't know what is going on in your neighbours lives right now either. How long is he outside at any one time? A kid bouncing on a trampoline and shrieking for longer than 15 or 20 minutes would irritate me right now, my nerves are pretty shot with everything that is going on in my home and family. Usually I would be much more understanding but right now I'm struggling.

Could you let him out for a period of time, maybe 15 minutes then bring him inside for 45 minutes then back out again? As an example? Does he have a set bedtime so at least they know when it will stop, and a time in the morning he's not allowed out before? Maybe if you let them know times in advance? I can imagine their feelings if they think "right it's quiet, I'll go and sit outside with a cup of tea for 10 minutes" and then the noise starts. If they knew they were going to have a quiet period of time they could work round it, a guaranteed hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon or something?

Or maybe they are just horribly inconsiderate, that's equally possible. I'm mega stressed right now but I still wouldn't pop the balls. Depending on how often they are coming over I might not throw them back every time but at the least I would throw them back each evening.

Either way you've got a hard job on your hands right now, I hope you are managing okay. I'm sorry your neighbours are making it harder.

I know this will be an unpopular opinion but it is six of one and half a dozen of the other . They are completely out of order popping your balls , however autism or not id be pretty cross at random stuff like soil and food being thrown into my garden for a start I wouldn’t want my dog eating random crap . There is nothing to stop you putting a higher fence on your own property inside their fence and also make sure that you have adequately high netting on the trampoline ( can you get a net with a roof?) . As for the noise then that’s tough , children make noise and they will have to get some ear plugs .

They sent three men around to talk to one woman about her child?! Bullying arseholes!

I feel for all sides here in all honesty, how long do you allow him out in the garden for?

I live 6 houses away and across the street from a little boy who is autistic and after a little while it can become really distressing to hear him because it does go on for hours and hours I know the next door neighbours are struggling quite a bit with the noise. If you aren’t used to it the noises can be quite frightening.

That being said they should really try to understand it’s not his fault and he’s clearing struggling with the lack of respite. It must be awful for him and you, do you have any support?

They also should be giving your property back and not damaging it, I would be incredibly cross about that. Could you attach some trellis or put your own fence up inside that side of the boundary? Move the trampoline etc?

In what way did they go ballistic?
A lot of communities have set up street WhatsApp or other groups during CV, does yours have one? If so I would put a brief explanation and plea for understanding to the wider street.

Your neighbours are mean. Do they understand what is going on with your son? If it were me I would try to disarm them by sending a note "from" him to say "hi, I am xxx, I am your neighbour, I have special needs and I am finding lockdown very confusing and bewildering. My mum is very aware that I can be noisy and is trying her very best to keep me busy but all the things that I used to love - my teachers, my school, my trips to the park, my friends- have suddenly been taken away and I don't understand why. Me and my mum are sorry I am noisy sometimes, I don't do it on purpose and we hope you enjoy these sweets / cakes/ flowers fromus to say thank you for being patient and we hope I can go back to school soon, love XXXX"

I know it's a bit schmaltzy but it's the kind of thing only a total bastard would ignore. You can take a photo of it and send to the street WhatsApp if there is one, to show that you are trying. The less affected neighbours will surely see that these guys are heartless wankers to ignore such an olive branch.

I don't think people criticising the neighbours are being fair here.

They're stuck home too and won't be able to relax will all that noise and destruction going on. That's not at all to say it's OP's fault or anything but it can't be easy.

I agree about trying to have some sort of routine. The unpredicatbility would exacerbate matters, If they know the times he is out then they cann arrange to be out for a walk themselves etc at that time. How long is he in the garden each day?

Assuming you already have a net round the trampoline, can you put some sort of cover over the top so he can't throw things out? And that can be his throwing area?

If he is deliberately throwing things over the fence then take his toys away. I imagine that infuriates them, knowing he does it deliberately - and soil and food as well. It really isn't fair.

Let him bounce and yell but give him nothing he can throw over the fence. I thought it was accidental but from what you say it seems deliberate. You have an obligation to stop that happening.

I wouldn't like to sit in my garden thinking things could be flying over at any time.

I just wanted to say I feel for you. I have two children with asd and adhd. My youngest is the same age as your son and has severe autism and is also a thrower. Could you put something in your garden as a high fence? We tried a basket ball net but no surprise she is only interested in throwing toys. It’s very hard isn’t it. Could you speak to his school for suggestions?

I’m sorry, this situation must be adding so much to your stresses. I work with secondary pupils who engage in similar behaviours and I think a lot of them are struggling to cope with the restrictions on the outlets that usually help them to manage their anxieties or sensory needs.

Is there anyway you could erect your own fence on your side of the boundary? That way you can attach a net or build it higher to prevent the balls going over. I know how expensive some of these products can be so I’m sure that’s especially frustrating.

I’m not going to suggest specific strategies to manage the behaviours here because I’m not sure what input you already receive and I’m sure that there’s nothing more frustrating than unsolicited advice about your child’s behaviour. But feel free to PM me if you do want to talk it through.

I feel sorry for you, but I'm glad I don't live next door - it would drive me up the wall to have balls constantly being thrown into the garden after I'd made it clear it was annoying me.

Could you fix the ball on a string in some way? Or just not give him a ball? He must have other toys.

It's not your neighbours' job to keep returning your balls, but I don't believe they're legally allowed to damage them or refuse to return them (in the UK).

You need to prioritise putting an angled net barrier round your garden, inside your boundary. Then nothing can be thrown over. You might be able to get some help/ advice on this from a charity or support organisation.
Even with lockdown, outside work should be doable.

It's very mean of them to burst your sensory balls. Not on. But if your child is in the garden constantly shrieking it must be hard for them.

The garden is only small and my son is fantastic at throwing and kicking (as in our county kids football team coach saw him and would have given him a place had he been able to follow rules). Sadly he can be playing catch with me then just drop kick the ball over in a split second (he's capable of fist hitting a ball the height of my house) so there's little I can do. I always tell him off after and take him in to sit on the naughty step. The balls are part of his sensory diet as is the trampoline which is not near their boundary. I don't want to annoy them but I'm lost as to what to do.

I suggested a net, they refused and sent their sons round. I lost my partner whilst I was pregnant to a brain haemorrhage, I have a new partner of a year but we don't live together. He has offered to go and have a chat.