Neighbours hate my autistic child

[Screechywah]

I have a seven year old severely autistic child with sensory issues and severe developmental delays, he is non verbal and functions on an 18 month old level. Special school is closed as is his respite, sen groups, activities, parks etc.

He's really struggling to cope now after seven weeks at home. He's shouting lots, self harming (head banging), kicking, hitting and struggling to sleep. I take him out in the car regularly for a drive and we go for a couple of walks every day but even on these walks now, he's having meltdowns because the park is shut. He's physically strong and I now struggle to keep him from running when he reaches crisis point.

The one thing he loves is being outdoors but my neighbours on one side are moaning about his loud shouting the last week, bouncing on the trampoline and throwing balls over their fence. They refuse to throw any sensory balls back over and instead pop them which is frustrating as they cost so much. I've offered to raise the height of the boundary (their fence which is only five foot) and they refuse. Today he threw part of his toast over the fence and they went ballistic at me. I was with him m when he did it but he's just so fast that I had no opportunity to prevent him.

I'm really not sure what to do. I watch him constantly but obviously have to go to the loo, answer the door/phone, cook and he unfortunately doesn't grasp the concept of not throwing. I'm on my own with him and his special school are only taking key worker children due to staffing.

Ps to those sympathising with the neighbours, you're talking about the behaviour of two grown adults that should be able to control their actions against that of a child with severe autism and learning difficulties who makes noise to regulate their body etc.

its virtually a hate crime especially sending round the 2 adult sons =I can understand keeping the balls for awhile & throwing them back at the end of the day -maybe - but damaging them - no way.
Life is so difficult at the moment -I wish people had a little more empathy.
Big hugs to you -I don't know how I would manage under the circumstances. However in our area some large private gardens have opened for disabled people to book private times especially important for those with either no garden or very small ones - can you look upon your local carers or asd facebooks or your local town's facebook to see if there are any in your area? (we are in East Anglia) or lookup NAS to see if you can source any help during this time?

Popping balls is mean but you have to stop things being thrown into their garden, that must be horrid for them.

Seriously?!
People really need to get a grip if you think a ball landing in your garden is a "horrid" thing to happen to you

The op said herself her son is hitting the ball so hard that it can go over the length of her house . It's a ball being hit at force . Of course people should have sympathy but I'm not sure many would be happy to get hit on the face full force with a ball that has enough force behind it to go over a house. Of course the neighbours are dicks and if she did actually send three men round to intimidate you then the police should be contacted. Phone up the police each and every time a ball is burst.

I feel sorry for the op but really sorry for the neighbours - they must be at the end of their tether. The noise is one thing - all kids make noise - but the throwing things into their garden is nuisance behaviour. I wouldn't give him the balls until he stops throwing them. We had kids like this next door when I was a child and they were continually throwing balls over hitting us and ruining the garden so we also stopped giving them back and if I were them I wouldn't pop them but I wouldn't throw them back over either. Can't you take him somewhere other than your back garden to release some energy during your daily exercise? You need to either stop him throwing things or as others have suggested construct a net your side of the fence without touching theirs

We all live in a society, and if you choose to live in a property with neighbours you accept you might live next to a loud ASD kid. Or a baby with colic, or a screamy 4 year old.

Only on Mumsnet do people CHOSE to live next to neighbours - like we all have the option to live in splendid detached isolation surrounded by acres of grounds 🙄

Contact social worker again and your sons school should also be able to offer support.
Sadly you will never educate people
who don't want to be educated. If it's intolerable then maybe moving should be an option - didn't you say it was all retired pensioners? Build your own taller fence. You almost need cricket nets. I can imagine how hard it is to change the repetitive behaviour like the ball throwing. Would he tolerate not having the expensive balls outside? Could you give up a room to be an indoor garden space during lockdown? Again, school will have other pupils who live next to unreasonable neighbours and can help. Sorry you're having such a hard time with unforgiving neighbours. I'm an ASD teacher so if your school can't or won't help I can mooch around for other things for you to try.

I feel sorry for the op but really sorry for the neighbours - they must be at the end of their tether

The neighbours have options. Shitty ones that they will not like, and of course they shouldn't have to do, like going indoors, going out for a walk to get away, or even moving. Of course I am not saying that it's not a horrible situation for them, because it is, but OP has to deal with her child 24/7, and has been doing it alone with no respite.

Both are shit situations and deserve sympathy. But the neighbours do sound like arseholes for popping the ball.

Your neighbours sound horrible and you have my utmost sympathy. What you’re dealing with must be far more difficult than anything they have to deal with, so they should really be more understanding. I would suggest removing toys that can be thrown from the garden. I know that would be awful for your son but perhaps you could get him heavier things to play on, such as garden toys that can be put into the ground, swing set, small slide, some heavier toys in general if affordable? Mitigate any annoyance they may feel by not giving him snacks while he’s in the garden - so he doesn’t have anything to throw. I know it’s just one more restriction on you but it may help to keep the peace.

Other than that, keep doing what you’re doing. You are doing an absolutely amazing job.

Anyone here who claims to have zero sympathy for the neighbours has an excessive amount of entitlement and arrogance. Yes, a child with SN is challenging but while you can hope your neighbours and the public will show compassion (and many do!), Special Needs doesn’t grant a licence to make everyone’s lives a misery. I do think the neighbours are being arses for sending their sons around, for bursting the balls and for refusing to put up a fence, and I have a lot of sympathy for the OP, but those who have no understanding of the neighbours frustration are being arses too. Having objects flying over the fence and smacking you in the head isn’t pleasant, particularly when there’s some force behind the object. It’s crap for both the OP and the neighbours, but hopefully the neighbours can be decent and try the fence.

Sorry you are going through this, sounds very tense and your neighbours do not sound compassionate or nice. My friend is actually in a similar situation and a local closed hotel is letting them use their grounds (in Wales) I wondered if there was any community boards you could post on? Popping the balls is outrageous and I do wonder if a visit from police would shame them into acting in a normal manner.

I have offered to raise the fence with trellis or attach a net as has his social worker but they refuse and threaten action if I do so. He isn't usually in the garden that much as he has respite, sensory groups, swimming etc and I take him out most days. However all of these have stopped and are unlikely to reopen for some time

Did you even read the OP mehmeh? . If you had you'd see solutions offered that bloody minded neighbours are refusing.

excessive amount of entitlement and arrogance

Clearly that's not the OP.

Thinly veiled disablist attitudes are all over this thread. Makes for some nasty reading.

27% think YABU seriously??

SHAME ON YOU who voted that. You live in a neurodiverse society - you have sympathy for these neighbors because you also feel entitled to be censored from disability.

OP, you let your boy out for as long as he needs. Don't pander to the petty bullies who can't tolerate children at play next door.

I would throw toast in all the gardens that disagree with me

Put your own fence up, bamboo etc...

Yanbu, it’s hard for both parties however no one is being unreasonable (well neighbours are and if phone the council about them damaging your property) tolerance is something that some UK folk just don’t understand and it’s just ignorance.

So sorry to hear this. Defoe rly make your fence higher.
Try and write them a note to explain how tough it is and the challenges you face.

Only on Mumsnet do people CHOSE to live next to neighbours - like we all have the option to live in splendid detached isolation surrounded by acres of grounds 🙄

The neighbours get to choose where they live. The choices probably don't include acres of grounds, but they have a choice and they chose neighbours. If they don't like these neighbours they can opt to move.

If they react aggressively to some toast and plastic balls in their garden perhaps a hut in the Outer Hebrides might be a good choice?

@DeeCeeCherry to be fair the OP said he can throw a ball over the house, what size fence would actually guarantee they stay in the garden? Would you want one taller than a house and blocking out your light? I do feel for the OP, sounds like she is doing an amazing job and of course it isn't her son's fault, but reading threads on here and the inane things people get annoyed about neighbours doing; I do find it hard to believe that all of those saying they wouldn't mind would be okay with half eaten toast flying over their fence and balls thrown off of a trampoline potentially with some force nearly hitting them whilst we are trapped at home.

Some utter a-holes on this thread. And a lot of assumptions about the neighbours and how they must feel.

Someone in our street has a daughter with severe disabilities who moans loudly all day long and we can all hear it. So I have some idea of how these neighbours feel. And you know what? It is FINE. It is absolutely fine! Why? Because I understand why this noise is happening. Because it is not harming me. Because I am a grown adult and can choose my reaction to situations.

If I can cope in a terrace hearing this sound then I don’t see why OP’s neighbours can’t get the fuck over themselves.

This sounds really difficult. Are they aware about your son's diagnosis? Are the other neighbours aware?

I feel for the neighbours. I wouldn’t be happy with having things thrown into my garden, hitting me or my child, or breaking my plants that I spend a lot of time and money growing. I’d be asking OP to pay for broken plants, pots, greenhouse glass and it isn’t cheap. The neighbours lives are obviously being made a misery by something that’s not their problem. Surely the ball can be attached to a string?

So much hatred for the neighbours here and such a lack of understanding. Has anyone considered that one or both may have mental health issues? That the noise and flying objects is causing unbearable distress? That's what it sounds like to me.

The three sons may be worried out of their minds for their parents' mental health.

Perhaps they should allow the fence to be raised but it could be that the limit allowed by the council is the height it is now. I doubt they popped the first ball that went over the fence. How many went over before they started to pop them? They have been driven to despair.

OP is also in despair and there have been some really helpful suggestions. My niece is autistic so I do know how hard it can be. She used to stim and shriek in the garden which caused distress to the neighbours. It did get to me as well and I love her.

Saying the neighbours just have to put up with it and calling them cunts is not a solution.

I do feel for both of you OP. However your child and his issues are really not their problem. Remember that they have to live with this every day so it's not ok labeling them as arseholes.
It's also about them not being able to be outside their own home without things being thrown or a general racket.
None of this is your fault but it doesnt help or matter to them.
I think you need to focus on what you can do. Their is nothing you can do about the noise. But you can certainly do something about things being thrown.You have been given suggestions of all kinds of nets.
Maybe it's worth it ringing the council with this issue and asking what theh suggest and then present it to the neighbors.

The neighbours have refused to have anything attached to their fence. As I and others have said, it should be possible to put posts and wire netting inside the boundary without touching the neighbour's fence. That would at least stop anything going into their garden. I don't think it would take long to do.
My tiny garden backs onto playing fields and the council has put tall wire fencing along the boundary. Occasionally balls bounce off it, but only once did one come into the garden.

Massive sympathy to you OP it’s hard work taking care of our kids with additional needs right now and it’s worse when the people around you are being dicks.